On My Own
by Kimmydonn
Summary: Renesmee is starting high school on the res with Jacob. Could everything be more perfect? Yes, yes it could. Their relationship is tested by those around them. The meaning of imprint is defined, both what it is & what it isn't. And together they fight on.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N Characters belong to S. Meyer (Like you didn't know that) - well except her new classmates. They're mine.  
_

_Happy Birthday to me  
Happy Birthday to me  
Happy Birthday to Nessie  
Happy Birthday to me_

I woke up singing. My fifth birthday, and my second day of school. That had been a hard fought battle. I was glad I'd had a full nine months to talk my father into it. And that was only the first of the problems.

Carlisle and Esme were the easiest, but that was only because they were moving away. Grandfather had hit the point where he couldn't really pass for the age he claimed anymore. He'd considered taking a year away from the hospital, but just couldn't do it. It was his calling. He and Esme were going east, to New Hampshire. I think he'd hoped to lure Mama along to go to Dartmouth, finally, but she was resisting. She was resisting because I was resisting.

I didn't want to move away yet. I wanted to finish school with Jacob, and he was planning to finish High School on the reservation. Of course, what I wanted wasn't exactly easy to accomplish, but I can be very determined. So, after getting Edward to agree to let me go to school at all, I went to work on Billy and Jacob. I didn't want to go to school in Forks. My family was really pushing their luck being seen there at all anymore. I could have lived with Grandpa, but I wasn't any more excited about being driven to school in the cruiser than Mama had been. Meanwhile, Jacob needed to finish school, and he would be doing that right here in La Push. Of course, there was that little problem of blood. Not my diet, my heritage. Which is why I needed to push Billy over. If he would claim I was some relative, I could, theoretically, get in.

Billy was appalled at the idea. "You want to claim Quileute blood? A half vampire? The Maker save us. Taha Aki forgive me for even listening to this." He put his face into his hand.

I pouted prettily and tried to come up with a good argument. Then, I had it. I took Billy's hand and showed him me in a wedding dress beside Jacob. Me pregnant with Jacob's child. Me holding a tiny black haired baby. His teeth ground the whole time. "Wouldn't it be better if I could teach him about his heritage from experience?" I said as sweetly as I could. Jacob was looking at us in confusion. "You know it will happen. Alice couldn't have told me, but I know. And you know." I held his eyes and spoke with as much fervor and spirit as I could muster. A thirteen year-old's voice of conviction. Better than a five year-old's voice of conviction, I suppose. I'm glad he didn't laugh straight out at me. I tried to think of a way to strengthen my case. "And I don't have to claim Quileute blood. Your wife was Macah, wasn't she? I could be one of her relatives."

Jacob watched his father's face, wondering how much of this he was buying. "Are you seriously considering this, Pop?"

Billy hrmphed, and I knew I'd won. I only just managed to wipe my grin before it had fully formed. I kept my mouth somber, though I was sure my eyes danced. "Could you at least dye your hair or something?"

I started to bounce and then jumped in Billy's lap to hug him, "Thank you thank you thank you. Now I just have one other favor."

"Another one?" Jacob asked before Billy could even start to scowl.

"Much smaller, I think. If I'm going to school here, would it be all right if I stayed here too?" I looked down at my hands. I didn't think this part would be a problem, but I really hated making such big requests.

"Oh," Billy said, instantly more relaxed. "Well sure." I hugged Billy again and showed him me studying very quietly and cooking and cleaning up after myself and generally be as low hassle as possible. He laughed. "What would you cook?"

I backed up, slid my jaw to one side and bit my lip. He had me there. I'd never cooked anything besides some Brazilian birds for Jacob. "Whatever I can learn on the Food Network?" I suggested.

Jacob laughed now. "Make sure to focus on fish. Charlie'll love you too." I chuckled with them.

Hurtle one, down. Hurtle two, down. This was getting easier all the time, right? Wrong. Aunt Rose nearly had fits when I suggested moving in with Billy and Jacob. No one cared for that part really, but Rosalie was the worst.

"You smell like dog half the time as it is, and now you're going to _live_ with one?"

Alice wasn't much better. "At least I can see 'around you' now. If you move there I won't see you at all," she mourned.

Mama was just sad I was moving out at all. "You... you don't want to stay with us?" How was I supposed to answer that?

"Of course I _want _to. I plan to come home every night for a little while. But it will be much easier, and much more plausible if I walk to and from the Black house, don't you think?"

She looked skeptical and totally unconvinced. I tried a new angle.

"You'd have even more time with Edward." Now that they knew I knew and was not bothered by their activities, they lingered in the bedroom longer and longer.

"I have eternity with Edward."

"You have eternity with me, too. This is the only time I'm going to be able to do junior high school. I'm never going to look thirteen again."

"No. You're not," she said a little remorsefully. Certainly that wasn't the hang up. Was it?

"You're worried because you'll miss me? Wouldn't you miss me anyway? I mean, you aren't coming to ninth grade with me, not without some serious makeup." I eyed her sideways.

"No age jokes," she warned. She was so sensitive, just because she was two years older than Edward.

"Almost two years," Edward put in from the piano. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Regardless, if I'm at school eight hours and asleep eight hours, there's only eight left anyway. And you can cut a couple of those in travel time, unless you think I'm going to run to school. That might be a tad conspicuous." I pointed out sarcastically. "So if I come visit for an hour or two after school, you're really only losing my cranky morning hour and the two hours I'll be doing homework, right?" Mama's eyes narrowed. "Please?" I asked, changing tactics. "Please please please?" Now I put my hands together, literally begging. I wrapped them around her hand and showed her my longing to go to school _with_ Jacob.

She groaned. "You're really all right with this?" she asked Edward.

I wasn't the mind reader, but I knew what my father was thinking right now. I'd won him with my earlier argument. He stopped playing to face me now, and I blushed a little and looked away. I started counting down from 100 in Greek. He shook his head and went back to playing.

"What?" Mama asked me. _  
__  
__Sixty-five, sixty-four, _"Nothing, Mama. I'm sure Edward will tell you later," _sixty-three, sixty-two. _Show you more likely. _Sixty-one..._ I heard a missed chord though.

"So, Edward. Are you Okay with this?" she insisted.

"You can stop counting, Ness. Yes. I'm fine with it. As long as she comes to visit. If you don't, I'm storming the Black house."

I had a terrible thought, _you just want to check that I stay in my own room - eek! I didn't mean __it, Dad! I didn't mean it!__  
__  
_He chuckled and I knew I was forgiven. "But you're not entirely wrong," he warned. I knew what he meant, what he didn't want to hear when Jacob and I came to visit.

I thought the same thoughts I had with Billy. Cleaning, cooking, studying. He laughed too. I stuck my tongue out at him again. I was instantly repentant though. "So I can go?"

Mama just shrugged reluctantly, "If that's what you want."

"It is! Oh thank you, Mama! Edward!" I hugged them both.

And so it was done. I had moved my wardrobe into Jacob's sisters' old room and put up pictures of my family on all the walls. I'd brought a case of hair dye with me. That was the one part I hadn't told any of my family about. I loved my hair color, Edward's color. It was unique. It was beautiful. It was mine. And it was gone. I'd cried a little in the shower as I applied it, but the shower drowned it out. I felt stupid crying about it, but I really was saying good-bye to my bronze curls for the next ten months, if not the next four years.

I looked at my new reflection with criticism. Well, it wasn't that bad actually. Without any expertise at all, I'd managed to choose a decent product. My curls were just as glossy as ever, but now there was almost a faint blue hue to them instead of red. It was very strange. Mama was going to kill me, but it was too late. My hair was black for the next three months at least. I pulled on my PJ's and went out to say good night to Jacob and Billy.

I got wolf-whistles, literally. I giggled. "I feel weird." I admitted, pulling a handful over my shoulder.

"Well you look gorgeous," Jacob told me. "'Course, you're still a pale face, but whatever." I smacked him with my towel, still blushing.

I looked to Billy now with raised eyebrows. "Will I pass?"

He smiled. "You'll pass."

I bounced a little and gave them each a hug before climbing into bed.

My first day was awful. The only good thing was Jacob walking me in the door. I was dressed ALL wrong. It was probably perfect for public school, especially in an upper class neighborhood, but this was an Indian reservation. Tailored blouses and designer jeans were a neon sign saying, 'I'm better than you,' to everyone I passed. It hadn't even occurred to me that my clothes wouldn't fit in here. I'd always been dressed by Alice, so I'd always been dressed in the best. I looked amazing. That was the problem. I drew stares from everyone and Jacob was off in another direction before I really had time to notice him go. I almost pulled him back with our bond, but I knew that wouldn't be fair to him. He was having trouble fitting in himself. He was supposed to have finished high school two years ago, not have two to go.

So I sucked it up. Then I ran for the washroom. I grabbed an empty stall and tried to piece myself back together. There wasn't a lot I could do about my clothes now. At least my raincoat was relatively normal. I'd just keep that on all day, buttoned up for the most part. And maybe I'd conveniently lose my boots. I could go barefoot. I'd look odd, but hopefully a better kind of odd. I took a deep breath and opened the stall door. I looked at myself in the grimy mirror and began to question my decision. I didn't look like I belonged here at all. I closed my eyes and pictured Jacob. I thought of him carrying his books in one arm and my hand in the other. His brilliant smile. I could do this for him. I could do this for us. I wanted this.

I opened my eyes again and started. "I didn't hear you come in," I told the girl now standing next to me.

"What are you doing here, paleface." It wasn't a question - it was a demand. Her dark eyes glared at me from her round face.

I'd expected this at least. Comments about my clothes, which would come, I wasn't as prepared for. "I am Vanessa Wolf. My father is Macah. You will not call me 'paleface' again, squaw." I made my eyes as hard as hers.

A smile twitched on her lips. "Well, Okay, then. Did I see you come in with Jacob Black?" she asked as she applied lip gloss.

I sighed with relief and smiled freely leaning on the counter. "Yeah. He's a second cousin, or something. Billy took pity on me when Dad passed. Do you mind?" I asked as she started to put the gloss away.

"You mean you don't have better in that Gucci?"

I snorted. "Cheap imitation," I lied. "You like it? I can get my hands on another."

"Nah, but thanks. I'm Ruby." She held out the gloss to me.

"Thanks." I put a little on and gave it back.

"So, you in the habit of ditching class? I thought I was the only one brass enough to do that first day."

"Crap, class started already?" I responded immediately and knew I'd just blown any points I'd won with Ruby. I closed my eyes and cussed quietly. "Yeah, I wasn't ditching. I was... well hiding, honestly."

She chuckled, "No kidding. Can't imagine why, paleface." She said it teasingly this time and I chuckled, too. "Ah, I can cut tomorrow; let's get to class."

I thought adding Ruby to the accepted camp was a coup. Sadly, she was not exactly popular herself, showing up late with her had even more people whispering behind my back. I couldn't help but feel better for having just one person who didn't think I was a stuck up white kid. She also wasn't the only one to call me on it.

"Hey, white girl," one boy called at lunch. Jacob half rose on the other side of the room, but I shook my head at him very quickly.

"Wolf. Don't cry wolf, you won't like what you get." Ruby snickered beside me.

I got a wolf whistle after that. I burst up to him, just shy of full speed and put a hand to his throat. "I warned you." I threatened. I felt a tingle in my palm. Was I really that mad? I didn't think so.

"Yeah, yeah you did," he quivered slightly. Then he licked his lips. "I won't make the same mistake twice." I pulled my hand away and walked back to Ruby and my rather non-existant lunch. I'd stuck to packaged things that I could reuse as many times as possible. I hated human food. Ooh, my mango. I bit straight through the skin.

"What is that?" Ruby asked.

I slurped juice and wiped my chin with my scarf. "Mango. Delish." I pulled my knife, a tool I was never without anymore, and sliced off a piece. "Try it. I love them, but I don't get to have them often."

Ruby definitely approved of mango.

Classes were even more dull than I had expected, but this was in large part due to first day overviews. We were just being given books for most of them. Science was definitely going to be the worst, I thought as I flipped through it. Closely followed by math. I'd stripped both these topics to shreds in my reading at home. History looked good. I'd studied Vampire history, but very little American history. English could go either way. The reading list was all familiar, but most of them I hadn't read in years. Years! I mean I read them when I was two. Still, discussion was the best part of that, so we'd see how it went. Then there was Lore; that was what they called it. Today it was just a list of essentials. Everyone needed a drum, everyone needed a feather. I was terribly curious what would come in this class.

I decided to ask Jacob as we walked home.

"So, I'm dating a tough chick; that's totally hot."

I shoved him. "I just don't want you in the habit of fighting my fights for me."

"Check. So what happens if I cry wolf?" he teased.

"You get pummeled until you have to turn into one!" I started swatting him.

He laughed, fending me off with a binder. "Did you see Claire? She noticed you."

"Claire?" It was one school on the res, so she would be there, I supposed. "No. I didn't think to look for her. I didn't scare her did I? I mean, being a tough-chick and all." I smiled.

He laughed again. "Maybe a little. Intimidated, not scared."

"Jacob, I need a feather and a drum for Lore. So, I know what the drum is and is for, and I figured you could line me up with one. But what do I need a feather for? Does it need to be a special feather or just any one? They weren't very clear before going into legends." I hoped he wasn't offended at my ignorance.

"Oh, yeah. That's for dancing. Doesn't have to special, no. But it should be. Special to you."

"Dance? We're going to be dancing?" I slowed as I digested that thought. I loved dancing. But I knew this wouldn't be ballroom, or ballet, or any other type of dance _I_ was familiar with.

"I think you should snag a raven tail."

"I think I should. Gonna catch me when I fall?" I taunted.

"Always," he said, kissing me.

That night, I'd gone in search of a raven, and Goodwill. I was very glad Alice couldn't see me now, she'd never let me live it down. But I had some well loved clothing, jeans worn by actual wear, and I felt much more confident heading into my second day.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/n I made up the word WeiHa. I needed a name for the bracelet. It's done, call it what YOU want, I did ;)_

Of course my parents were standing in Billy's kitchen when I came out of my room, buttoning my new - new to me - flannel shirt.

"I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I had to do some shopping." I smoothed my shirt over my ripped jeans. I blushed now, feeling their eyes on me. What were they thinking? Were they mad about my hair? Did they think I didn't plan on coming home tonight, because I did. Did they regret agreeing to this, seeing me as I was? I put my eyes to my bare toes sticking out of the frayed bottoms.

Edward broke the silence, "Happy Birthday, Renesmee."

I looked up with a very small smile. "Thanks, Daddy." I walked over and hugged him and Mama together. "I'm really, really sorry. It was just so late by the time I got a whole new set of clothes, and then I had to track down a raven..."

"Not another bird." Mama snickered.

"Class project," I admitted.

Edward tugged on one of my locks. "All sorts of new things."

I tucked it behind my ear. "Yeah. I'm still learning how to blend in."

Mama looked sympathetic. "I remember how that goes."

I blushed a little, drawing a circle with my toe. "So, am I all that brings you onto treaty grounds?" I teased. Billy chuckled behind me. "Keep laughing, old man. You're the one letting a half-breed live under your roof." I smiled at him. "I'll try to keep the cold ones off your doorstep from now on."

Edward growled lightly. _Only teasing._

"How was your first day?" Edward asked, prying slightly. I gave him the highlights reel. Picking fights, being late for class, nodding off, crying in the bathroom.

"About that well," I replied. Mama looked a little miffed so I took her hand and showed my day to her. "It's OK. I'm sure today will be better. At least no one will tease me."

I looked at the clock behind my parents heads. "Where's Jacob?" I asked Billy over my shoulder. "He's going to be late. I'll be right back," I told my parents, turning to go.

Mama stopped me. "We'll just be another minute, sweetie. Partly we wanted to make sure you were coming to dinner at the house tonight. Carlisle and Esme are making it a goodbye and birthday party in one."

"Of course I will! I really was planning to be at the cottage tonight - "

"You need to finish getting ready," Mama interrupted. "We just wanted to give you one present before you left. It might make misunderstandings like last night easier to avoid. Happy Birthday."

It was the most normal birthday present I'd ever gotten. A cell phone. It rang as soon as I picked it up. "Hello, Alice!" I answered.

"Happy Birthday!" she cheered.

I laughed. "Thanks." I kissed Mama's cheek and gave Edward another hug before turning to wake Jacob. "Can you do me a favor, Alice?"

"What would you like?"

"I'm going to put this on speaker. Help me wake up Jacob, Okay?"

"Oh, sure. Just give me my cue."

I tiptoed up to Jacob's head, pushed the speaker button, and held the phone over his head. "What time is it?" I asked.

"Time to rise and SHINE!" Alice said as brilliantly as only she can. Jacob's head snapped up.

"Bwah? huh? Whasat?" He peered around the room and tried to snag my ankle, but I skipped out of reach, which is to say out of the room, laughing.

My second day went much more smoothly than the first. I still got very few names, though the one I did get surprised me. Joseph came up to introduce himself and apologize for ragging on me. He was skinny, slightly taller than me and had long straight hair which he held back with a braided leather throng.

"I really shouldn't have done that. I mean you wouldn't be here if you weren't supposed to be, right?" He stuck his hands in pockets and rocked on his heels. "And then... I made it worse. So, I wanted to apologize." He tucked his chin and looked up at me from under a long set of lashes.

I pursed my lips, considering making him sweat, but I had far too few friends here. "No sweat. I mean, I look like my mom, so I get that a lot. Just pisses me off."

"She had brown eyes?" He'd noticed my eyes? Well, I guess I had stared him down.

"Yeah." He moved to sit beside Ruby and me. Ruby was diligently ignoring him, slicing small pieces off her apple.

"What happened to her?" he asked, referring to my mother.

"She ditched me." I said coldly. I hated lying. I preferred to make the topic taboo.

"Oh, that's rough. Sorry, I'm being a snoop. My name's Joseph." He offered his hand

"Vanessa, but I prefer Ness." I took his hand. He was a werewolf. Well he wasn't, but he could be. How could I know that by touching him? That didn't make any sense.

"I think your friends are looking for you," I told him, nodding toward his clan and extracting my hand. That was a disconcerting feeling. It made me itch to show him something, and that would not do at all.

He shrugged. "They can see me."

Ruby saved me then. She didn't even look up. "Scram, Joe."

"Yes'm," he said with a grin.

"Thank you," I whispered to her, rolling my eyes.

"Next time, just grab his throat again," she said with a lop-sided smirk. "He'll take the hint."

I laughed out loud with her. "Oh, hey. I see someone I meant to say hi to yesterday, catch you in class?"

She just nodded and continued whittling away at her apple.

I approached the group of girls slowly. I had made a reputation for myself already and I didn't want to frighten them. As it was, half of them backed away wide-eyed. Not the one I was looking for. "Heya Claire!" I put a hand on her back and remembered us playing on Grandmother's porch, in Grandpa Charlie's yard, on the swings off First Beach.

She smiled up at me. "Hi, Ness. I wasn't sure you remembered me."

"Of course, I remember you! How's Quil?" I asked. Her friends tittered.

She scowled at them but not at me. "As well as Jacob."

"I'm really glad to hear that," I stroked her hair a couple of times. I showed her the worst parts of being alone here. How glad I was to have one friend in Ruby. Did I have another in Claire?

She smiled at me, and I knew that was a yes. "Quil is taking me to Port Angeles to see a movie this weekend. Will you and Jake come, too?"

I could just imagine what movie the nine year-old Claire would have chosen and couldn't resist. "Of course we will. Saturday matinee?" I asked. She nodded. "Jacob and I will pick you up in his Rabbit." I promised her.

"Great!" she answered with pride. She liked having older friends. I understood that. I was actually a younger friend, but these girls didn't know that.

When I got back to Ruby, she announced she was ditching Lore. I really wanted to accompany my new friend, but Lore was the one class I really couldn't afford to miss. "Drat, couldn't skip math eh?" I answered truthfully.

"Nah, I need to pass math," she said a little sheepishly. "It's one of the only things I'm actually good at."

"Only things?" I scoffed. "I don't know you, so I can't say, 'Oh comon, Ruby, you know totally rock at singing' or some nonsense like that. But I've never met anyone who is only good at ONE thing."

She spat out an apple seed. "Yeah, well, now you have."

"Well, I'm not skipping Lore. I missed too much of that stuff as it is."

She nodded. "S'ok, Ness. I skipped plenty of classes on my own before I met you." Then she turned and wandered off.

I was painfully curious what she did on her own so much of the time, but I knew better than to pry this soon. I wandered back into the building.

Lore was very interesting. We opened with a friendship circle dance. I pulled off my flannel revealing my black tank underneath. I felt eyes on me immediately. Now what? Too much skin? I pulled out my ponytail shaking my hair over my shoulders to cover some of it. The stares didn't cease. Joseph came to take my right hand. "Hi, again," he said.

"Hi, and thanks. Am I just that much of a freak, or what?" I asked. Another boy took my left hand and Joe nodded to him.

"That's John. Thanks, man."

He shrugged. He was broader than Joe, a little taller again. "Just don't strangle me," he requested.

I laughed out loud. "Nah, I save that move for runts with skinny necks." I cocked my head toward Joseph.

The dance was simple enough to follow. It felt good to get my blood pumping. Joe pulled me aside as people started moving into the building. "Wait a minute. You have a _WeiHa_."

"Umm, I do?"

"That's what everyone was staring at. I've never seen someone our age wear one. Who gave it to you? He's ballsy." He was examining my bracelet. Jacob had continued to replace the first one he gave me on Christmas as I out-grew them. This one was just starting to pinch my skin. "And it's not the first?" He sounded stunned.

I started blushing. Ruby was approaching us. "You harassing her again, Joe?"

"Shut it. She's got a _WeiHa_. Did you know that? It's her fourth one."

"What?" Ruby sounded as shocked and surprised as Joe had.

"Okay, seriously, what's the big deal?" I asked

"He didn't tell you what it was?" Ruby asked, incredulous.

I blushed more furiously. How could I say, no because I was a baby at the time. I opted to not answer at all, hoping they would continue.

"Ness, husbands give these to their wives before they get married." Joseph explained, not letting go of my hand.

A smile swept my face, and I looked down at the braided piece on my wrist. Of course they do, I thought. Then I frowned slightly. Was he trying to claim me too? "So... does this mean I'm not allowed to..." I didn't know how to phrase my question.

Ruby caught on. "No, you can have more than one, but that almost never happens. Usually the girl chases one or the other off first."

I nodded, still very confused. Joseph was pulling on my hand now, "We'll be late for Math. Come on." I tried not to think too hard about my WeiHa. I'd learn about it in Lore at some point, and I could ask Jacob about it later. Who knew, maybe Claire had one, too. I'd never looked.

Thinking about Claire, instead of Jacob and the _WeiHa_, I was all prepared to spring my surprise on the way home. I was sure Claire would have picked some lovely sappy animated flick for the movie. Jacob was going to _hate_ it. I really played it up too. "Guess what guess what guess what!" I said bouncing beside him.

He groaned. "First you wake me with the pixie and now you channel her?"

I laughed out loud and planted my feet. "I booked us a double date for the weekend."

He almost seemed angry. "You what? I mean, not all the guys here know about us. They might think.. I dunno, that I'm some kind of perv or something."

I laughed. Then I stopped and laughed harder. "You're dating a five year-old and think you're not a perv?" I teased. I caught my breath while he glared at me. "Relax. It's with Quil and Claire. You pervs gotta stick together, right?" I laughed harder, and he started to snicker. He grabbed me around the neck and pulled me along with him.

When I got back to Billy's, I changed into some of my old clothes. Which is to say Alice's clothes that I had worn a few times before replacing last night. I looked smart in a pair of green pants and a mustard colored blouse. At the last minute I swapped the top for a red v-neck. The golden color had been perfect with my bronze hair, but with black it made me look a bit sickly. The red gave me a much more sallow color, more like the pictures I'd seen of Mama when she was human. I pinned one side of my hair up and went to find Jacob.

"Hi Billy." I greeted him as I came out of my room. "Sorry I didn't get supper tonight. Tomorrow night, it's spaghetti a la 'nesmee," I promised.

"Can't wait," he said. "Oh, and I have something for you. Jake told me you were looking for one." He held a beaded and feathered drum.

"Wow! Thanks!" I bent to hug him and lift it from his lap. "It's so pretty," I murmured, turning it in my hands to see the different colored beads and follow their pattern around the outside edge.

"Happy Birthday," he said.

I kissed his cheek. "Thanks. Thanks for everything."

Then Jacob came out. He had changed after class too. He wore black jeans and a new white shirt. "Will I pass?" he asked, imitating me the other night.

"Never." I said with a smirk. "You ace every time."

He smiled back at me and took my hand as we headed out. He drove us in the Rabbit. It seemed easier than half-running the whole way. He kissed my cheek before getting out. "They're going to freak." He told me.

My face fell. I'd forgotten that only Mama and Edward knew about my hair change. I bit my lip but stepped out and walked up the porch.

"Happy Birthday!" resounded as we opened the door. I blushed and smiled. There were two gasps as I stepped into the room. I pushed my black curls behind one ear and bit my lip again.

Alice got to me first. "You look like _my_ little sister now! We should cut it!"

Rosalie reined her in. "Absolutely not! Well, at least it's a nice color," she allowed, running a hand through it. I looked at my feet.

Esme came and played with a curl too. "Do _you_ like it?" she finally asked.

"I'm really glad I did it," I admitted. "I stand out far too much as it is." I hoped Edward heard the thought behind the words. I didn't prefer this color, but it was more convenient.

"So, tell us all about school!" Alice urged pulling me into the room. Jacob let go of my hand as I was dragged away. I told them about Ruby. That she was a nice girl, but didn't have many friends aside from me. I didn't tell them she had a tendency to skip class, or that she was a bit of a bully. I told them about my teachers. That wasn't a long tale. I'd only had a couple of classes with each, but they were all quite competent and made class as interesting as they were able.

This didn't appease my aunts though. They wanted to know about the other girls and boys. Did I have any other friends? Who did I eat lunch with? Edward kept trying to steer the conversation away, but they just shushed him and pressed me further. I told them a little about Joseph. That he seemed to be trying to be friends with me. And that I'd met his friend John who seemed nice. There wasn't much more to say about that. It was getting harder and harder to find things to say.

Jasper noticed my increase in anxiety and distress. He tried to pull Jacob into the conversation with Edward's assistance, but my aunts just sort of pushed the men aside. I sent thoughts of thanks to Edward with every try. Soon the pressing just became too much for me.

"So do you think maybe Joseph likes you? Does he have a girlfriend?" Alice was asking.

"Aren't there any girls that you sit next to..."

"Look!" I finally burst out. "I only know three people, Okay? I'm the freak. No one wants to know me." My voice faded toward the end as Jasper started to calm me. I blinked back a couple tears and took a deep breath. "Don't worry about me. Ruby's my friend. I will make more. Just - please - stop asking. Please." I covered my face taking calming breaths. "Thank you, Jasper," I whispered to him.

Edward came and kissed my head. He knew my first responses to each of their annoying questions. He knew that Ruby was ostracized and that meant I was, too. And even if she wasn't, I'd intimidated most of the school that first day. I was still shocked Joseph had approached me at all.

I continued to work on my resolve. I would make friends. I wanted to go to school. I was _not_ giving up.

Mama came to me next. "You can come home."

I know she meant well, but my heart broke when she said it. I wanted to go home so badly. It would make her happier. It would make me happier. But it wasn't what I should do. It wasn't what I was going to do. _Help me, Daddy? Jacob? _I pulled him to me. He put an arm around my shoulders helping to build my strength.

"Presents!" Edward announced.

Alice jumped up, clapping, and Rosalie joined her in bringing packages from the other side of the room.

"Thank you," I whispered to Edward and Jacob, still standing over me.

"As long as you're resolved," my father told me. "I want you home, too, but I also want you to be able to make your own decisions and follow through on them." He kissed my forehead.

"So do I," I rasped, my throat still tight.

Jacob squeezed. "Why didn't you tell me it was that bad?" he asked. I just shook my head and plastered on a smile. The gifts were coming.

Alice and Jasper gave me a beautiful new chain for my locket. I quickly swapped it over and hugged them both.

Emmett and Rosalie gave me a laptop bag complete with computer inside. I gushed and thanked them even though I knew it would never leave the Black's house.

Esme and Carlisle gave me a CD library. Scans of all the books in the office. I looked wide-eyed through the labels on the disks. It would have taken him a while to compile it. "Thank you," I said, a little awed.

"Well, I'll be taking many of them with me," Grandfather admitted. "And I'd hate for you to fall behind in your other studies."

I smiled warmly and hugged them both. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"We'll miss you too, Nessie," Esme promised me.

"Well, Mama and Edward gave me my phone this morning, so... did I see someone baked me a cake?" I asked. My joy had finally returned.

"One more." It was Jacob who spoke and he moved to kneel before me.


	3. Chapter 3

Jacob knelt to present his gift. "I saw this was getting a little tight," he said, smiling and lifting my right wrist. He pushed back my sleeve.

I froze. My _WeiHa_. He had a new one. He slipped a blade carefully against my skin and sliced the cord. While he held my hand, I started sending him questions. Did this mark me as his? Was he naming me 'little wife'? Did he think that was what I was? He pulled the new band from his pocket. I didn't know if I wanted that. I was pretty sure I didn't.

Jacob paused, trembling slightly. Edward took pity on us and our exchange. "Let's give them a little privacy," he announced, herding my family out of the room.

Jacob's eyes teared, and he clutched my wrist more tightly. The shuddering became more convulsive. "You - You don't want - " I couldn't answer. I wanted him; I didn't want to be owned by him.

"Jacob, you have to tell her. She doesn't understand. You have to explain - "

"Shut up, bloodsucker!" Jacob turned to shout at Edward.

"You can't expect her to - "

"I said shut up!" His shaking grew more violent. What was going on here? I tried to send a calming image. Water flowing quietly in the river, bubbling. He took a deep breath and shook a little less. I loved Jacob; I just wanted a choice. There wasn't anything wrong with that, was there? I looked to Edward.

"It would mean he was dead."

"Shut up!" Edward flew at me then, knocking me out of Jacob's reach as he phased uncontrollably.

"To remove it, and not replace it, would be the same as him dying. You wishing he was." Edward whispered very quickly to me as we crashed into the wall.

The impact of that hit me as hard as we hit the wall. Wished he was dead? I needed Jacob. I needed him like I needed oxygen. I couldn't imagine a world without him. That wasn't true. I'd spent three weeks in a world without him. Even if I hadn't been held hostage and molested, they would have been the worst weeks of my life. Just because they were without Jacob. It was the worst feeling of all those I had endured then. The anger, the helplessness, the shame, the fear. None of it was anything compared to emptiness left by him.

I had to fix this as best I could, as quickly as I could. Glassware crashed around us as the house shook. I ran out of Edward's arms toward the _WeiHa_, now lying on the floor in Jacob's paw. My family flashed around the corner and froze. I snatched it before Jacob could back away. I could see the pain in his eyes.

"You phase back right now and put this on me," I demanded, my voice icy.

He whined and backed up, ducking his head. I grabbed his ear and squeezed it hard. He yelped. "Now! Or you WILL wish you were dead," I threatened. My voice was now hot and fiery.

"That won't work, Nessie. He already does," Edward informed me.

We both growled at him. "Now, Jacob."

There were several seconds where no one moved, no one breathed. We were all frozen. I stared into his wolf eyes and through my hand set the images I had given Billy months ago. Me in the dress, me with the baby. I showed him how much I wanted these things. Then the pictures started to burn. If he didn't do this, they would be gone. I still wanted them. I wanted to choose them. I wanted him to want them. I pictured him tying the knot.

He whimpered and then snapped at me angrily. I dropped his ear and backed up, leaving my hand outstretched, the _WeiHa_ in my palm. He phased, but remained on all fours. I stepped closer, thrusting it under his nose. "Do it." I commanded.

He slumped back on his ankles. He was weeping as he followed my orders. The knot was much sloppier than any of the ones before. When it was done I hugged him, very tightly. The hug lasted only a few seconds. Then I stood back up and slugged him in the jaw. Edward winced. "I should NOT have had to go to your school or my father to learn this," I spat and then stomped into the kitchen.

"Mama," I said coldly as I passed her. "Jacob needs you."

I waited for the others to follow me and then threw myself at Jasper. I sent him images of me encased in ice. I couldn't feel this, not now.

"Nessie, sweetie, you're going to have to feel it at some point," he said, stroking my head.

"I need to think first. I need to know what I'm feeling and what I'm simply reacting. Help me. Please." I begged, the last a whisper.

"What happened?" It was Esme who dared to ask.

"Apparently," I sniffled. "I just told Jacob I wished he was dead." I collapsed sobbing in Jasper's arms. He made me cry a good minute before he finally took pity on me and complied. I felt very sleepy. I fought the lethargy just enough to work my brain. I spoke slowly, a little slurred. "My friends told me husbands give wives the _WeiHa_. I thought Jacob was claiming me. I thought he was putting a tag on me with his name. I didn't know it's just the opposite. He tied his heart on my arm, and-" I started to sniffle again. Even Jasper's gift wasn't enough. I couldn't speak. I could only weep.

Jasper lifted me in his arms and passed me to Edward, who had come in. "Shhhh, Nessie. You didn't know."

Jasper's lethargy had faded when he stopped touching me and now my anger flared white hot. I flung myself from my father and landed on my feet on the other side of the kitchen. "I KNOW!" I screamed loudly enough to shake the windows. "That's the problem! How could he not tell me! How could he do something so vital and not explain it!" I grabbed for something to crush. Something no one would miss. I spied a vase on the other side of the room and ran to it. First it shattered and then I crushed the shards to dust. My tears were still streaming down my face. "Why would he let me do that?" Everything in the room was suddenly red. "Why would he let me ruin everything this way!" My eyes filled with the images. My wedding dress was now covered in blood and half burned. My baby was a corpse.

My family gasped. And I froze. Somehow that simple sound shattered my anger. What had happened? Why did they gasp? Half of them were choking now, tearless sobs. My aunts and uncles clung to each other. Carlisle had a hand stretched toward me while Esme clutched his waist. Mama appeared and squeezed me tightly enough to hurt.

"It's not over, Nessie. We can make it better. There has to be a way to make it better. Your dreams aren't gone. They aren't..."

"You saw that?" I looked around the room. "You all saw..." They were nodding slowly. Maybe bloodlust was the key all along. Maybe there was a reason for me to fuel my fury. I sank and let my weight fall in my mother's arms. My brain was reeling again. "Where's Jacob?" I asked her now.

"Gone. He phased again and took off." I nodded, putting a hand to my head. I was suddenly very very tired.

"Dad? Will you drive me back to Billy's?" I blinked very slowly. Everything seem to slide sideways. "I have school in the morning, and I don't think - " Everything went suddenly black.

I smelled something awful. It was piercing, like a scream, only it was a scent. I blinked and saw my grandfather's face. "Just a faint I guess." I scrunched up my face against the lights, the pain in my head. I put a hand up to shield my eyes.

"That was weird," I muttered. "Thank you, Grandfather." I accepted his hand to lift me to standing. Everyone was very worried. "I'm all right, I think. It feels like part of my brain just exploded."

Edward laughed. "That's what it sounded like!"

I smiled at him. "How did I do that? Was it like Zafrina's illusions?"

"No, not opaque." Rosalie answered. "It was the same as the other times you send them, only..."

Only I wasn't touching any of them. "Huh. I think I won't try that again." I put a hand to my head again, then grabbed grandfather's free one and put it there instead. The cool was perfect. I sighed. "I'm really going to miss you." I told him with a smile.

"I think we might stick around a couple more days."

"Oh, don't. Not for me. I'm fine, really. School sucks, but didn't you all tell me that already?" There were a few heartless chuckles. "And Jacob and I will work things out. I mean, we still need each other. That hasn't changed. We just... I just need to apologize."

Edward put his hand in Carlisle's place. "Let me drive you back, now. You need to sleep."

"Thanks, Daddy." I leaned on him as he led me out. Mama kissed my cheek and held my hand until we were out of her reach. Before she let go, I sent her a happy picture of my wedding day. I would fix this.

I fell asleep in the car. Edward carried me into the house against my protests. "What's the matter?" Billy asked when he brought me in.

I jumped down, but Edward didn't release his hold completely; one arm snaked around my waist, holding me upright and close. "Is Jacob home?" I asked Billy urgently.

"No, not yet. He isn't with you?"

I needed Edward's arm now as I bent over it, my body limp. Tears formed and fell without me even noticing. "I killed him," I whispered.

Edward snapped me up, holding my shoulders and shook me. "STOP IT!" I heard my head rattle. "This is not your fault. He didn't tell you. It's his fault."

"Tell her what?" Billy asked, very concerned now.

"She wasn't sure she wanted her new _WeiHa_ because she didn't know what it meant."

Billy groaned and put his head in his hand. "He didn't tell her?" he moaned.

"I'm going to bed. Tell Jacob I'm sorry... if he comes home." I stumbled to my room half-blind. I only pulled off my shoes before collapsing on my bed. Even though I was exhausted, I didn't sleep at first. I listened to Billy and Edward discuss who was at fault, where Jacob was, how best to reach him. I drifted to sleep before he left, and before Jacob came home.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N So my totally awesome editor, Sharebear, led me to a Quileute language site. '_Was ho'_ means 'No way'. There ya go._

I woke before dawn. I hurt everywhere, but most especially in my chest. My head was a very close second. I'd never drank alcohol, but I was pretty sure this was what a hangover felt like. My first thought was Jacob. I tiptoed to his room, hoping to find him sleeping. His bed was empty. I sat on the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. I sat there until light started to fill the room. Then I got up and changed for the day. I didn't have any desire to go to school, but I couldn't stay here either.

I was lucky. I found Ruby just inside the school grounds. "Hey, Ruby. How badly did you want to go to History today?" I knew she was probably going to ditch it anyway.

She looked at me and made a face. "Yeah, let's get outta here." She led me off into the woods. As soon as we were out of sight of the school, she lit up a cigarette. "You want one?" she offered. I shook my head. "So what happened?"

"Got a new _WeiHa_." I thrust my fist into the air, exposing it. "Had to almost break his arm to get it though."

"What?" Her eyes bulged and her nose scrunched up. "That's not how it works. That doesn't make any sense, Ness."

"Yeah, well, I kinda tried to stop him when he gave it to me." She gasped and put a hand over her mouth. "Yeah, see, no one told me what it meant. I thought he was tying a leash on me. A 'property of' tag."

"That's not how it - " she started to protest.

"Yeah. I get that now." I waited for her to finish her drag and then took one myself. I coughed and spluttered, but the nicotine did perk me up a bit. "I crushed him. Idiot should have told me what the stupid thing was." I pulled down my sleeve to cover the band. Then I wiped my cheeks, stupid angry tears.

"You never told me who - "

"Jacob Black."

Her jaw fell open. "_Was ho._"

"Yeah. He gave me the first one when I was way too little to have a clue."

"But... He's not that much older than us."

Ooops. Hmmm, how to swing this. "Yeah. It doesn't make sense, but trust me when I tell you, he knew what he was doing. I didn't though." I banged my head against the tree I was leaning on. It creaked and a shower of needles and cones rained down. I was making all kinds of mistakes today. Well, while I was getting things off my chest... I snorted. "And I really thought my last birthday was gonna take the cake for a while. I mean, how much worse can you get than walking in on your parents having sex and then being trapped on a plane with them for ten hours?"

Ruby was looking very confused. She took a slow drag on her cigarette and shook her head. "But aren't your parents..?"

"Shit. I trust you, Ruby, so don't ask too many questions, and don't spread this around, but - " I really didn't want to lie to her at all, if I could help it. I should be able to string just enough truth, if she didn't ask the _wrong_ questions. "I really want to be able to tell you anything. I mean, you're the only friend I have in this godforsaken place," I muttered. I kicked a rock toward the boulder she was sitting on. She took another drag and flipped the cigarette to me. I took a smaller puff. I didn't choke as badly this time. "My dad isn't dead, and he isn't Macah either. Billy's just humoring a stupid paleface who has a thing for his son."

She grabbed my wrist as I tried to hand the cigarette back. "Shut your trap, squaw. And apparently his son has more than 'a thing' for you."

I chuckled. "Yeah, and I destroyed him. He didn't come home last night."

"What did you tell him?" she asked finishing the butt.

"Straight? I told him he was making me his 'little wife' like the creep who tried to rape me last year. No wonder he won't face me again." I kicked the tree now and it didn't straighten completely.

"Shit."

"Yeah. The one Jacob saved me from, half killing himself in the process. How much more of a stupid bitch could I be?"

"Holy shit." Her eyes were reeling, looking at the ground, then the tree over my head, then the school, then my eyes. She laughed. "No wonder I like you so much."

I wondered if she was still sane. She laughed again. "You must be the only person here with as crappy a life as I have."

I snickered. "So tell me your story. Make me feel better," I teased, sticking my hands in my jacket pockets.

"My Dad beats the crap outta my mom on a daily basis. Pretty sure he's raping her, too. Doesn't seem as bad to me now. I mean, he's not beating or raping me..."

"Nah, I get it. You blame yourself because you can't stop him. You can't make him be a man and you can't make her leave. At least I don't have to go back to that monster day after day. You got a raw deal, Ruby."

She looked at me with questioning eyes. "How?"

"Trick I learned from my Dad. He's practically a mind reader." I chuckled.

She shook her head. "So now you know why I always skip Lore. I don't want anything to do with him and his 'culture'" She made air quotes as she said it. "I don't want to be a filthy Indian."

"You know he's not typical, right? There are really good men here on the res. Your Dad could use some lessons from Billy Black. He knows how to treat people with respect. Fear sometimes, too, but respect. That's why I won't skip Lore. I want to learn everything I can about how to be Quileute. So let's make a deal. You teach me everything you know about how to be a filthy Indian, and I'll teach you everything I know about why they aren't filthy." I smiled at her.

She snorted. "Deal." She slapped my outstretched hand.

Jacob wasn't at lunch either. I left Ruby to go find Claire again. I really needed to talk to another imprint. "Claire, can I talk to you alone?" I asked, looking at her friends.

"Sure. I'll see you guys later." She waved to her friends and walked with me to an empty patch of grass. "What's the matter, Nessie?"

Did I look that bad today? Classmates who hadn't introduced themselves had asked if I was all right. "I... I hurt Jacob, last night. Bad. I didn't mean to. I didn't know what I was doing. Claire, do you have one of these?" I asked pushing back my sleeve.

She nodded. "Oh, sure. Quil gave me a _WeiHa_ when I turned five." She pulled back her sleeve to show me.

"Yeah, and you knew what it meant, right?"

"That he would never leave me." Her eyes went dreamy. I remembered feeling that way.

"Yeah. I didn't know that was what it meant. I thought it was like a wedding ring. Like a sign to everyone else saying, 'this girl belongs to me.'" She looked at me like I was nuts. "So, I told Jacob I wasn't sure I wanted a new one."

She put her hands over her mouth and tears came to her eyes. "You didn't!"

I tried not to get angry. "I didn't know, Claire. No one told me." I put my face in my hands. "I haven't seen Jacob since last night. I don't know if he's all right. If he's mad at me. If he thinks I'm still mad at him." I felt tears on my face and bit my lip, scrubbing them away.

On the other side of the space I heard boys. "Jake! What happened to you bro? Pick a fight?"

I turned to see him, walking toward his friends. I instinctively pulled him. He staggered a step and I stopped. I didn't want to _make_ him come to me. He didn't look in my direction. I felt tears in my eyes again.

"He's Okay," Claire told me happily. "Everything is good now. I'll see you Saturday," she half sang as she went to rejoin her friends.

I walked up to his table. I wouldn't make him come to me, but I was going to him. I tried to put a smile on my face as I approached, but I kept my eyes safely down. When I got nearer their group, I made it look like I was going to drift by. I let my hand brush his shoulder. I sent an old image, one that Edward hated, one of he and I - older. His head snapped up, but I was already walking away, my hands jammed back in my pockets. I'd apologize more later.

Lore today was story time - Quileute origin myths. They were mesmerizing. Of course, the sweet grass definitely contributed to that effect. Ruby ditched, of course, but it was better now that I knew why. Joseph took her absence as an opportunity to sit next to me. I tried to seem happier than I had earlier in the day, but it was still difficult. He put a hand on my shoulder at one point and let me lean on him. It was nice. It was almost like Jacob. He flinched and shifted my weight a little against his chest. I straightened.

"Jacob Black?" he asked me. I closed my eyes and cursed quietly. I nodded and turned my attention back to the story. I'd tell him more later.

"So, that was weird." I told him, hoping to diffuse things.

"Yeah. Are we telepathic or something?" he snickered.

I laughed, too. "Maybe." If he stuck with that, I might be in the clear.

"So he's the one who - " He touched my right arm.

"Yeah. I got a new one last night." I showed it to him.

"I don't understand. How could he give you five already?"

"I keep gaining weight?" I suggested flippantly.

He snorted. "Yeah, right."

"How do you know how many?" I asked.

He picked up my wrist and pushed back my sleeve and pointed into the braid. "This is one." He pointed to one strand that was red. "This is two." He pointed to a blue one. "This is three." It was pink. "This is four." A green one. "And this is five." It was golden yellow.

"So what are all the other colors for?" I asked stepping closer so I could see the _WeiHa_ as he pointed.

"This is the Earth. This is blood. This is breath." He pointed to different strands in the weave as he spoke. "Together they give life. Which is what he gives you." He dropped my hand and looked a little angry. "You asked if you could have more than one. What would you do if more than one man gave you his life?"

I froze. Mama. She had had that choice. She had had to make it. "I don't know. I would have to split myself in two, so I could give one to each of them." I thought longer, harder. "Or I would love one of them so much that it made enough love for the second." He couldn't know what I was referring to, but I felt a warm glow spread through me. "Thank you, Joseph. Thank you so much." I hugged him and kissed his cheek. "Do you know where the senior class is now?"

"Umm, the woods probably." He had his hands at my waist.

I hugged him again. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I ran into the woods and found the seniors beginning a dance. It must be their Lore class. Rather than interrupt, I climbed a tree to watch. Jacob looked pitiful. I'd left an awful bruise on his jawline. His mouth was uncharacteristically turned down. He tromped through his steps, but it was obvious his heart wasn't in it.

"I love you, Jacob Black." I whispered. Then I sang for him. All of it was quiet enough that his class wouldn't hear. Well, there were one or two from Sam's pack in his class who did, but they were discreet. I sang my love, wordless and haunting. I crooned in time to the beating drum, encouraging him to dance for me. He closed his eyes finally and stopped shuffling. He started to stomp. He started to smile. He started to laugh. He lingered as his class left.

"Come down, silly raven," he teased.

I jumped into his arms. "I choose you. That's all I ever wanted. The chance to choose." I kissed him. As I did I showed him all my beautiful dreams in full color, bright and dazzling. Our baby was smiling at us, my father walked me down the aisle with pride.

He broke the kiss with a sigh. "You have no idea how much I want that."

"I have an idea. Because it's probably just about as much as I do. I also want this." I kissed him again and lingered on thoughts that would make Edward growl. I imagined him holding me, kissing me differently than now. Taking me into his bed. He growled when he broke the kiss this time.

"Careful, Nessie. You aren't grown up enough for that, but I am," he warned and kissed me more violently. My eyes flew open as his tongue pried apart my lips. I gasped.

"No more teasing," he taunted.

"Yes, 'cubby."

He laughed. "You finally pick a nickname for me?"

"Yep. Jacob, cub, cubby. Kinda like hubby too." I smiled broadly. I'd always wanted a name for Jacob, like I had for Mama. Mama meant 'one who held me'. Now Cubby meant 'one I pulled'.

"I like it," he said.

"Well, I don't think I'll use it as freely as Mama, but more than I call Edward, Dad, Okay?"

"That sounds fine," he said with a broad smile and rubbed my nose with his.

"I'm sorry I punched you," I said, needing to get it out.

"No you aren't." He laughed.

I laughed, too. "You're right, I'm not. I am sorry I bruised you though. Why hasn't that healed yet anyway?"

"Nessie, you broke my jaw. It is healing."

My eyes went wide. "I AM sorry!"

He laughed. "Don't be. I deserved it. Next time I give you a present, I'll make sure you know what it means. I'm just glad you didn't break your hand."

I laughed remembering Mama punching Jacob when she was still human. "Me, too." I kissed him again. He started to carry me away, back to Billy's house, home.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke early on Saturday. Knowing that Cubby and I were right again made my sleep and dreams peaceful. Now I crept down the hall and peeked in his room. He was still passed out, sprawled over the entire bed. He looked so beautiful, the sun just starting to poke through his curtains lighting his dark skin. I watched him sleep a few minutes and left a note. I was heading to the cottage and he was welcome to join me there. Otherwise, I'd be back around ten to pick up Quil and Claire. I gave him a quick kiss and a little dream thought. Triplets! That should give him nightmares. I chuckled as I tiptoed back out.

I dug through my 'Alice' wardrobe for something that would be good for the cinema and the cottage. I found a deep burgundy T-shirt dress and paired it with golden belt and scarf. I walked into the kitchen to find Billy pulling out his tackle box. "Oh, good. I didn't poison you last night," I joked. It was only my second full meal; these Blacks were trusting souls.

He laughed. "I told you it was good, didn't I? I'd have had a second helping if someone hadn't wolfed it all down." I'd made sausage and biscuits last night. I was sure the biscuits were too dry, but apparently no one had minded. I'd skipped the whole thing, opting to hunt instead. Plus, it gave me an extra hour at the cottage.

"Yeah. So fish tonight? You heading out with Grandpa?" I asked. Just then the door opened. I turned to see my Grandpa and ran to hug him.

"Ooof, easy, Nessie," he grunted. "Whoa, nice hair," he commented, pulling a lock over my shoulder.

I backed up a little. "Yeah, I needed to blend in. Do you like it?" I asked. I really needed to stop being so insecure about this.

"Yeah, it's nice. How's school?" He quickly changed the topic.

"S'okay. Got a couple of friends. One's a troublemaker. It's great." I smiled thinking that Grandpa probably wouldn't be happy to hear I was cutting class and smoking.

"Troublemaker, eh. I better not get any calls about you, Nessie. You're a good kid."

I stopped him. "Not that kind of trouble. I'm off to see Mama and Edward though. Hope the fish are biting." I gave Grandpa another hug and waved goodbye to Billy.

I made it to the cottage in a record twenty minutes. I huffed a little as I knocked on the door. There was no answer, so I let myself in. I heard familiar sounds. "I'm HOME!" I yelled. Edward was obviously too distracted to hear my thoughts. I also knew they'd be eager to see me.

Not even two seconds later Mama was hugging me, dressed in a robe. "I didn't think you'd visit today. After all, you were just here last night."

"Please, what else would I be doing this morning? I miss you guys." I hugged Edward now, he was actually dressed. He kissed my cheek.

Alice popped in soon after. "I'd guessed what might have interrupted your morning 'plans' and thought I'd stop in."

I filled Alice in on the Jacob situation. I hadn't talked to her since the party. "I broke Jacob's jaw," I told her, wincing slightly.

"You did? That was a mean right hook. Good job!" she congratulated me.

I laughed. "You're as bad as Emmett."

"Oh not nearly. He's going to plan a party once he finds out." Her nose wrinkled. "Ugh. I might have to stop him, though. Kung Fu movies?"

I laughed again. "Anyways, he doesn't seem to hold it against me, the whole breaking his bones thing."

"And you're sure you don't hold it against him? Not telling you?" she asked. A good question.

"No. I mean, I was furious that he didn't tell me, but now I know. Done is done." I shrugged. "All that anger really shattered along with my brain."

"Have you tried again?" Alice eyes glittered, she was eager now.

"No!" Was she crazy? I had fainted. I had had the equivalent of a hang over. Why would I try that again?

"Oh. I thought maybe it might be easier a second time." I took her hand and showed her my headache. She just nodded, understanding.

I hung around a little longer, playing piano with Edward, but soon it was time for me to run. "I'm planning to hunt tomorrow. Would you like to come with me?" I asked my parents. "I could meet you here, same time?" Why was I feeling shy with my parents? Did I honestly think they wouldn't want to spend time with me anymore?

Edward rolled my eyes, answering my questions. "Of course we would. We'll see you then." He turned back to the keys, and I gave Mama a hug and kiss on my way out.

Cubby was just scraping the last of the cereal from his bowl when I came in. "Nice visit?" he asked. He slurped his milk.

I smiled. "Yeah. I really miss them, y'know. It's weird not seeing them all the time anymore. At least I still have you, Cubby." I hugged his neck.

He grinned. "So what are we seeing today anyway?"

"Dunno, whatever Claire picked," I admitted, waiting to see his expression.

It was everything I'd hoped. Shock, followed quickly by distaste, then dread. "Great," he muttered.

Quil was waiting with Claire at her house when we arrived. He high-fived me. "Awesome punch, Ness."

Jacob took a swing at him, which he dodged, but the two were still circling each other as I pulled Claire to the car. "Maybe they'll be quicker about it if they don't have an audience," I whispered, folding forward the passenger seat for her. She giggled and hopped in. "So, double date," I said, belting myself in beside her. She blushed furiously. It was very cute. I took off my belt again a minute later to lean over the seat and hit the horn.

The movie was just what I'd hoped. A princess tale. Quil was having fun because Claire was having fun. Cubby was being tormented. I took pity on him after the first fifteen minutes. I took his hand and replaced the prince with his face and the princess with mine. He snickered and kissed my temple. Then I added some blood and gore. First the princess slugged the prince. Then the evil sorcerer pulled out an Uzi instead of a wand. I pulled my hand away and covered his mouth when he started laughing too loudly. "Shhh. The kids are enjoying it," I whispered.

We all agreed that the double date had been a great idea and planned to do it again in a couple of weeks. I suggested we do something different from a movie though, to Cubby's relief.

School improved greatly in the next weeks. Joseph introduced me to his circle and invited me to join them for lunch. "The girls are Lydia and Sarah." They were both slender with hollow cheeks. I thought they might be cousins. "You know John," he nodded to me. "The others are Simon, James and Abraham."

"Hi," I said shyly. I looked over my shoulder with a _help me_ expression for Ruby. She shook her head. I turned back to the crowd, wide-eyed. I sat next to Joe and opened my lunch quietly. I peered back at Ruby, pleadingly.

She sighed and rose. "Hey," was all she said and sat beside me.

I leaned to her and whispered, "Thank you."

She shrugged.

We were definitely the quietest pair in the group, but it helped to have Ruby beside me. She gave me courage. She also reminded me that I didn't have to keep up with the banter. It was decidedly odd, though - included yet also apart. Joseph seemed thrilled just have me in the group though.

Classes started to improve, too. Most were still dull. English never met my aspirations so I took Ruby's tactic and stayed quiet there rather than standing out by prodding discussions that were not going to happen. Some came outside class as I helped my new friends with their studies. Lydia and I had a great debate on Brutus and Caesar. Should Caesar have seen it coming? I helped James and Joseph with science while Ruby gave John some tips on math. Everyone was willing to answer my Lore questions. I had eight years of catching up to do. Cubby had taught me some of it, but my ignorance was embarrassing in some areas.

Ruby was helping me with that part when we cut classes. Her lessons were never as satisfying as Lore, though. Her comments always snide, her tone condescending. I still appreciated anything I could learn. It was time for me to hold up on my end of the bargain.

"Billy," I asked, waiting until after he was fed. My shepherd's pie had been a hit. "I have a girlfriend at school that I'd like to invite over. Do you think it would be all right if she came over Saturday for the night?"

"Saturday..." he murmured. "Sure, shouldn't be any trouble. I'm going over to Charlie's that night for dinner."

"Oh." I tried not to let my disappointment show. How could I give Ruby an example of a good man if my good man wasn't home. Easy answer, show her two good men. "Well, maybe I'll can turn that plan over, too. Invite Grandpa and Sue here for dinner? I can cook for everyone!" I was suddenly more excited. This was a great idea. Cubby was looking at me questioningly. "What?"

"You _want _Ruby to meet Charlie? Or Charlie to meet Ruby?" he asked.

Billy didn't seem to understand much better than I. "Well... I kinda told Ruby I wasn't Macah. She doesn't know who my parents are, just that they're both alive and well and letting me stay here with Billy. So... she won't be surprised that Charlie is a relative. Oh, Charlie and Ruby..." Ruby didn't get into serious trouble, the kind that brought Chief Swan out, but he probably wasn't going to be thrilled with my choice in friends. "I don't care. He can be angry with me if he wants. I want to do this."

Billy shook his head. "You told her?"

"Yeah." I hung my head and blushed. "Only her, and she doesn't talk to anyone but me, so it's not like she's going to spread it around. I just didn't feel right lying to my only friend. I also kinda screwed up and made a comment about my parents. As in that I have two." I bit my lip.

"Hmmm. Well, I don't see a problem with the plan. You get on the horn with your Grandpa and if he's game, we'll eat here," Billy agreed.

"Thanks Billy," I hugged him.

"So what's for dinner," Cubby asked, obviously hoping to intimidate me with that part. He succeeded a little.

"Um... Potatoes and Yams. Coleslaw." I'd made all of those once before. "And Elk roast," I said with a satisfied smile.

"I thought we were out of Elk," Billy muttered.

"We were," I replied.

I made sure to wear the worst of my clothes on my hunt the next day. I carried the carcass home to carve and freeze, after I'd eaten some choice parts of course. Cubby whistled when he came upon me in the yard, cleaver in my hand. "What?"

"That's a great gore shot. You look like you just massacred the poor animal."

"Well I killed it. I wouldn't say massacre though; it was pretty clean before I started chopping."

"Not so much anymore," he teased wiping splatter from my cheek.

I flicked my dirty fingers at him. "So be helpful and wrap those pieces." I nodded to the tub of cut meat and brown paper roll. I kept out my roast for the weekend and ground burger out of what was left.

On Friday, Ruby walked home from school with us. She was going to stay Friday and Saturday night. Ruby read over Jacob's shoulder while he did his math homework and even corrected him once when he made a mistake. I pulled my laptop out and read from Carlisle's collection while they did. Ruby was admiring my computer. "Gift from my aunt and uncle," I told her, passing it to her.

"What are you reading?" she asked.

"Ummm. Pathology textbook? I'm a little ahead of the curve in science, as you know. I'm studying medicine on the side." I chuckled. "Not that I'm going to med school for years and years, but I'll be all set when I do."

"Wow," she said. "Where'd you get it from?" She was looking through my directories, my bookmarks.

"My grandfather's a doctor."

Jacob sat up and turned to face us. He looked concerned. "Just how much does she know?" Cubby asked.

"That I'm not Macah. That my family is still around." I left it vague hoping he took the hint.

"Oh. You probably shouldn't have told her that," he complained.

Ruby defended herself. "I'm not going to tell anyone, Jacob," she said. "But I can't understand why she's here if she's got a family with funds."

He snorted, "You and me both."

"I'm here for you," I told Cubby. "And I'm staying for you." I told Ruby. "I want to be your friend, and I'm pretty sure if I left the res I wouldn't see you again."

"You're bizarre, Ness," Ruby told me, handing my computer back.

"Totally nutso," Cubby agreed.

"Whatever," I moaned and got up to make burgers for supper. Billy joined us when the meal was ready.

"Ruby, pleasure to meet you," he shook Ruby's hand. He complemented me on the burgers. "Nice, fresh Elk. Good thing it's hunting season, eh Nessie?" he teased me. I almost kicked him under the table.

"You hunt?" Ruby asked me.

I swallowed my mouthful of salad before answering. "Yep. Butchered it yesterday. Made quite the mess, but the freezer is stocked again. You want any of it?" I asked grabbing a hard boiled egg.

"Sure. I'll take some. My Mom would appreciate that. You're sure it's Okay with you, Billy?"

"It's Nessie's kill. She can give it to whoever she wants," he said with a shrug. "Especially if she keeps cooking part of it for me." He eagerly grabbed the last burger before Cubby could. I laughed.

I asked Billy some of the questions I had from today's Lore class and he was happy to answer them. I noticed Ruby shifting in her seat and thought to change the subject. "So what was council up to today?"

"Approved that new heater for the school, so you'll not freeze next month. Planning the Solstice festival. More'n a month away, but we like to start early. So, we mostly gabbed about it." he smiled broadly. I chuckled.

Ruby relaxed again. I suggested a walk. Billy opted to join us, so we stuck to the best paths. He seemed a little surprised when she lit a cigarette. "You know those aren't good for you," he checked.

"Yeah, that's what the box says." She chuckled.

He snorted but didn't say any more. He watched closely as she carefully extinguished the butt on a rock and put it in her pocket. He nodded to himself.

When we shared my bed that night I asked Ruby if she'd had a good time so far.

"Yeah. Jacob's cool and Billy's nicer than I expected. You got it good here."

"Yeah, I'm a lucky girl. Remind me why you like me again?"

She laughed and pulled my hair.

Ruby was happy to help me in the kitchen on Saturday. We went for a walk once the roast was in the oven. She pulled out her cigarettes again, offering me one. I shook my head. "I prefer sharing yours. Like a mini peace pipe," I told her, snagging it from her fingers. She laughed at that. I wouldn't think of smoking except with Ruby. It was just part of what we did together. Like cutting class. It only made sense when associated with her. "So, now that you've seen my place, any chance I might see yours?" I knew this was shaky territory.

"You wouldn't want to," she told me honestly. She was looking up in the trees, avoiding my eyes.

"Wrong. I want to make it easier for you to be there. I think me being there would do that." I put an arm around her shoulders and took another drag from our cigarette.

She snorted. "I doubt my Dad will care. Pick your day."

"Next Friday," I declared.

We headed back to the house, and I finished getting supper on. Grandpa pulled me aside. "This is the troublemaker, isn't it?"

"Yes, Grandpa. She smokes. Don't arrest her for it." I teased. "And she doesn't know you're my Grandpa, so I'm going to call you Charlie tonight, all right?"

He hrmphed. "Go sit." I told him. "Supper will be done soon."

Sue helped me with the final items. She mashed potatoes while I made gravy and Jacob carved the roast. It was quite the spread. I was proud of myself. Apparently it tasted good, too; there was very little left over.

"You cook as good as Bella," Grandpa told me. "That was delicious."

"But not as good as me," Sue hinted to him and I laughed.

"Of course not," he said, kissing her on the cheek.

Charlie and Sue stayed to visit a little while after dinner. Then we ate the pie Sue had thoughtfully brought along. Well, Cubby ate it. The rest of us were stuffed.

"So, how do you know Charlie?" Ruby asked me as we shared my bed a second night.

"He's an old friend of Billy's, and he married Sue a couple of years ago." I hoped she wouldn't ask too many questions about him.

"He's not your Dad, right?" Phew, near miss on that one.

"No. But he is related to my Mom. We all have the same eyes."

"I knew it!" she said, triumphant.

I giggled. "Keep it down!" Cubby knocked on the wall anyway. "Oh give it a rest, Cubby. You'd sleep through an earthquake," I yelled at him. I giggled a little more with Ruby before going to sleep.

In Lore that week, we performed a group dance. Most of the other students seemed to know it, but I was able to pick it up pretty quickly. I only stepped on Joe's toe once. It wasn't the first time I'd had to pick up a dance on the fly. Elder Enoch was usually close by me when we did dances, so he could help me when I couldn't see the next sequence. Now he asked me to come back at the end of the day. He had a special project for me.

"Would you be interested in dancing at the Solstice festival?"

I blinked a few times. "Really? Umm, well, sure!"

"It'll be a new dance. Not one we've studied, but you're a quick learner. You'll have to practice on your own for the most part. It's a solo dance," he informed me.

"I'll practice at home. Show me!" I was eager now.

He smiled and picked up his drum. He beat slowly as he walked me through the steps. Then he put it down and we went through it again with the arm movements. "Only, it'll be much faster." He started the beat. I did my best to keep up, but didn't miss more than a few steps. I noticed Cubby watching from the other side of the courtyard. Ruby was harder to spot; she was half-hidden in the trees. "I knew I'd picked well. Meet me again next week and I'll teach you the song."

I skipped up to Cubby, hugging him. "How was that?"

"You are amazing." he kissed me.

"Ruby?" I called in her direction. Cubby flinched. She stepped out of the trees. "What did you think?"

She shrugged. "I think it's a waste of time. But he's right, you dance well."

"Do you know it? Can you help me if I practice at your place this weekend?"

"Ummm," she murmured uncomfortably.

"You could drum for me," I suggested.

"Yeah, sure," she said noncommittally

"Another sleep over?" Cubby asked.

"Yep. I better keep next weekend open though. My family is going to get miffed if I steal all of their time."

Ruby smiled, "Any chance I'll get to meet that family?"

Eeep. "I don't think so. They're kinda... recluse." Her face fell. "But, maybe, some day." I added, hoping to brighten her a little bit.

"No worries," she turned and wandered off.

"How's that foot taste?" Cubby asked me.

"Shut up."

I walked home with Ruby Friday. Her Mom was already at the stove. "You must be Nessie! Ruby has told me about you." I looked to Ruby wondering what she'd said. "I'm Ruth," she said extending her hand. Her smile was broad, but I could see dark circles under her eyes and a few scars along her hairline. Her long dark hair didn't shine as much as Ruby's and there were a few gray threads among it. She was very thin and her clothes were baggy.

I took her hand carefully and shook it. "Thank you for having me."

"Ruby, take this to your father and introduce Ness to him as well." She gave Ruby a glass filled with brown liquid. I thought it was cold tea.

"Do I gotta?" she complained.

Ruth closed her eyes. "Yes, please. Then come back and help me finish supper."

"Okay, Mom." Ruby snatched the glass, a little sloshing on her hand. I could smell the alcohol when it evaporated.

I followed Ruby into the next room where a man lounged in a recliner in front of a small television.

"Here." Ruby said, plopping the glass on the table beside him.

He snapped the recliner shut and stood. He was tall. Not as tall as Jacob, but taller than my father. His hair was long, greasy and clumped. His face was deeply lined and those lines all pulled down. If he had been handsome, it was a long time ago. He had a paunch. "So, you're Ruby's friend." He grabbed the glass and took a long swallow.

"Ness," I said, not smiling.

"Hmm, well, guess you squaws should be in the kitchen," he said, heading to another room.

Ruby groaned and walked to the kitchen. I followed her. "How can I help?" I asked when I got there.

"Set the table? Plates are up there." Ruth pointed.

The meal was a quiet affair. I offered to wash, but Ruth encouraged us to go enjoy ourselves. Ruby's father, whose name I still hadn't gotten, returned to his television and alcohol.

"Well. That was... not as bad as I thought it would be. Terrible though." I admitted freely when we were outside.

She laughed. "Yeah, it was a little better when Ray was home, but he moved out as soon as he finished school. Who could blame him?"

"Want to think about something else?" She looked up, hopeful. "Imagine how much of a fool I'm going to make of myself on the Solstice."

"You're going to be great, Ness. Gimme that drum," she pulled it from behind me.

She started the beat and I began to move. Moving felt good. Something in the steps pumped my blood more freely, my breathing fell into the rhythm. I started to hum as I danced. I thought I heard the wind pick up, birds sang in the distance. I spun again. I felt warmth, I smelled green grass even though the plants around us were withering. I was caught in the magic I was weaving.

"What are you doing, white girl!" I heard an angry voice behind me. Then felt a hand yanking my arm, interrupting my step.

It was just the way Joham had grabbed me the day he captured me. Through his hand, I sent an image of a head flying onto flames. He let go of me instantly. I tugged down my shirt. Ruby was at my side. "What are YOU doing?" she demanded of him.

He rubbed his eyes, probably wondering where the image had come from. My eyes were still shooting daggers at him. He met them now, but my anger was hotter. He turned and went back into the house.

"I'm so sorry, Ness."

"You have nothing to apologize for." I took a deep breath, forcing my anger away. "Well, how was the dance? Up until we were so rudely interrupted, anyway."

"It was amazing, Ness. Really. You're going to do great," she hugged me. I felt her breath, ragged.

"It's really Okay, Ruby. He didn't hurt me. I wouldn't let him if he'd tried," I promised her with a little laugh.

She chuckled too. "Right. You'd kick his ass."

"Damn straight."

I slept on Ruby's floor. I'd brought a bag along; she'd told me her bed was too small. Once everyone was asleep I tiptoed into her parents' room. Perhaps some subliminal messages were in order. First, I laid a hand gently on her mother's cheek. I showed her Ruby. I showed how strong her daughter was, how much she needed her mother, not to stay here, but to go with her. Then I laid a hand on her father's forehead. To him I sent images of me before the council, his wife and daughter laughing at him as they ran away. Himself, locked in a dirty house, sitting in a dirty chair, drinking from a dirty cup. I could only hope it helped everyone a little. Neither shifted throughout my ministrations, and I tiptoed out.

Ruby stood with her arms folded across her chest in the next room. I bowed my head in shame. "What were you doing?" she asked.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me," she said angrily.

"I was trying to help, show them themselves. Make them see who they are and what they're doing."

"How could you do that?" She didn't sound angry just confused.

"Subliminal message?" I said with a bit of a smirk.

She laughed out loud. "I never thought to try that. Maybe I should go in and whisper in his ear too."

I snickered. "I think I've done enough for one night."

"Peace pipe?" she asked, pulling a cigarette from Ruth's pack. "Oh!" she turned to the kitchen with the lit cigarette and came back with two small glasses, each holding a dollop of alcohol. "Fire water!" she joked.

She passed me the cigarette, and I took a small puff wondering what I should do next. I'd never had alcohol. Jacob had, but he said it didn't do anything for him. I took a longer drag and then passed it back to her. I picked up the glass and held it in front of me. She followed my lead and we both tossed back the mouthful. It burned in my throat. I stuck out my tongue involuntarily.

Ruby laughed at me. "Never had whiskey before?"

I shook my head, still trying to figure out what, if anything, that had tasted like. I looked up at Ruby. When my eyes met hers, I felt a familiar sensation in my head. My eyes widened and I ran to the door.

"Ness?" she called after me. I kept running to the trees and climbed the first one, hoping when she didn't see me in the yard she'd stop looking. Meanwhile, I was projecting images. Images of trees. I kept my thoughts on the trees, the owls. Werewolves. No! Regular wolves. Water, waterfalls, rivers. My parents jumping the river. No! Was she looking for me? I wasn't sure I should break my concentration to check. Ruby's face filled my mind. "Ness?" she asked again from the bottom of the tree. "How'd you get up there?"

The burn was starting to fade and I was tired like before. I jumped down from my perch. "I climbed. You must have missed seeing it."

"Are you all right?" she asked me, touching my head. "You're very warm."

I snorted. "I'm always warm. You hadn't noticed?"

"No, did you see any wolves out here... I thought..." I held my breath. "Never mind, I must have been daydreaming or something. Let's get back inside."

"Yeah, I'm past ready for bed." My post-broadcast headache was just getting started. Real hangover, here I come.


	6. Chapter 6

Elder Enoch sat me down after school to teach me the song that accompanied my dance. I didn't understand much of it, my Quileute being so rudimentary. I recognized 'life' 'birth' 'death' and 'fruit', but the rest was just a jumble. I made a point to ask Cubby, Billy and Ruby to help me unscramble it. After Enoch sang it once I accompanied him the second time. He asked me to sing it once more on my own. "Next week, costume," he informed me. "You need to become accustomed to it; it can be distracting the first time you put it on." He smiled at me. I was terminally curious now.

Joseph was waiting when I had gathered my things. "Hey. Were you listening?" I asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"Yeah." He blushed and looked away. "It was good," he sounded a little breathless.

"Oh, good. I'm starting to wonder if I can really do this. Do you know that song? the words?"

"I don't _know_ it, but I've heard it, yes."

"I only recognized a few words. Sun, birth, death, life. I don't really understand it." I admitted a little embarrassed. I nudged him with my shoulder, encouraging him to walk with me.

"Yeah, it's a tribute to the dawn. That's why it's for the solstice. To bring the sun back after the longest night of the year."

I swallowed hard. "I thought I was just dancing. I didn't know it was such an important part of the festival." I started playing with the strap of my bag, walking through all the steps and words in my mind again. "I need to get this right if it's so important."

"You will." He kissed my cheek quickly. I stopped and blushed. When I looked at him, though, he had a shocked look on his face.

"What?" I asked, worried now.

"Are you feeling all right, Nessie?" he asked, putting a hand to his lips.

I smiled and looked down. "Yeah. I'm always warm." We walked a little further. I didn't know where he lived but he seemed fine with walking me home. "So, were you just lingering to listen to me sing?"

He laughed. "I hadn't expected that treat. Though if I'd known, I would have stayed for it. No. There's a party after the festival, on the beach. I wanted to know if you'd..." He hesitated. "If you'd like to..." It was very difficult not to finish his sentence for him. I hoped he'd manage it soon. "If you'd be my date," he took my hands now and then dropped them quickly. "Y'know, if you're going."

I chuckled very quietly. "I didn't know about it, so I hadn't planned to go. Can I get back to you? I want to talk to Ruby. If she's going and has a date, great. If she's not planning to go at all, that works too. But I don't want her going alone while I have a date."

"You mean you're not waiting to ask Jacob?"

My forehead creased. "Why would I need to ask Jacob? If he wanted to take me, he would have asked. I'm guessing he's not going."

"Oh. Well, talk to Ruby. I might talk to some of my friends, see if we can line us up a double," he seemed less eager now, but I was nodding and smiling.

"That would be great. Thanks for walking me home, by the way. I'll see you tomorrow."

I sang while I cooked, spaghetti tonight. Billy was at the table. He seemed to frown slightly. "Did I get the words wrong?" I asked stirring the sauce.

"No, the words are right." He still looked troubled.

"Can you tell me more of what it means? A classmate, Joseph, translated a few more words for me, but I still don't really understand all of it." I started to grate cheese.

"'Sun, dawn new sun, night to bed. Birth of a new sun, bring new life. Bring life to land, life to the loin, life to people. Night to bed, death to night.' You get the idea. It's just strange to have a half vampire sing for the sun."

I chuckled, straining the spaghetti. "I see your point. I hope I can do a good job of it."

"You're dancing at the festival?" Billy asked, surprised.

I nodded, dishing up for him and Cubby. "Elder Enoch started teaching me last week."

"Huh," he breathed as Cubby came to the table.

"Enjoy, gentlemen. I'm off to see my family." I kissed each of their cheeks as I left.

Edward was very interested in my new song. He asked if I thought I could dance and sing together. I led him and Mama to the secret garden to show them and to practice. The magic was even stronger this time. I felt the sun on my face even though it was night. My breasts felt heavier, my hips wider. I smelled green growth again and once more was surprised when I finished to find everything as it had been.

Mama started applauding immediately, but Edward was still frozen with his eyes on me. Mama seemed to sense his tension. "Are you all right, love?" she asked.

I came up to them. "You saw it, too," I told him. He nodded. "I don't understand it either. Quileute magic, I guess."

Mama was curious now, and I took her hand to show her what I had seen, what I had felt. "Amazing," she whispered.

"I should get running, though. I have class in the morning. Hunt with you this weekend?" I asked kissing Edward's cheek and then hugging Mama.

"Of course," they answered.

We split up on our hunt. My parents were a little ways off in the trees, but I smelled something good over here. I stalked quietly. The odd garbling came again and I lunged. It was a turkey! There were wild turkeys? It tasted good. I hadn't finished when I heard a rustling in the trees.

"I'm telling you, Ruby, the tracks went this way." Joseph was saying. I climbed a tree, moving out of sight.

"Oh my," Ruby breathed upon finding my kill. I started swinging to other trees to get a bit further away. A bit closer to Edward. _Dad, if you can hear me, I'm going to try to get them out of here. See you later!_

I swung down, dropping on their back trail. "Hey, what are you two doing out here?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Looking for you," Joseph said without shame.

"And _why_ are you looking for me?" I asked, folding my arms.

"Because we want your help with science," Ruby lied.

"Yeah, that might be why _he__'s _here, but not you." She looked down. "So? What's the deal?"

"Well, we were a little worried when you and Jacob weren't home," Ruby admitted. "I thought maybe he..."

"What? Took me off into the woods?" I was confused.

"Well, that's what we thought at first, but then his tracks disappeared -" Joseph started to explain.

I closed my eyes against my growing headache. "Well, I came out on my own. He must have followed in the same direction. I'm sure he'll be home soon." I took Ruby's hand guiding her back to the Black house. Joseph stayed close beside me. "So what was the real reason?" I asked again once we were well away from my parents.

"Joseph wants to ask you something," Ruby teased him.

Joe grumbled. "I found a date for Ruby," he admitted sullenly.

"Apparently, he conned John into asking me." she said with a meaningful look at Joe. "When I asked John why he'd asked me, he said it was the only way Joe could get you to come."

"I didn't _con_ him. I just pointed out that if Simon and Jim are taking Sarah and Lydia, he or Abe should invite Ruby." He shrugged.

"Uh-huh, and no violence was implied at all," I said with skepticism. Ruby snorted.

"No," but his blush gave him away. "I might have offered to do his math homework, though." We both laughed loudly.

"Okay, so you had news, why did you come all the way out here?" I said. We were nearly back on the cleared grounds of the reservation's housing.

"I found him on your step when I came over to tell you the news," Ruby told me. "He headed after your tracks as soon as he saw me. He seemed to think I would be angry with him. I can't imagine what gave him that impression," she made a fist as she said this, then stretched it out, examining her nails.

"I hope you weren't looking to me for protection," I mocked, punching Joseph in the shoulder.

He blushed again. "No. I came to ask you if you'd go to the party with me."

"Sure. You know that I have someone," I said, lifting my arm to show the _WeiHa_, "but if you still want to take me, I'm game."

"Great! I'm gonna look like a stud after you dance." His voice was thick with anticipation.

Ruby punched him the gut. "You're such a fool," she muttered.

Cubby was home when we got there. I ran to hug him and sent him my memory of the close call and them following his tracks. He stiffened a little and then straightened from leaning for my hug. "Nice walk?" he asked me.

"Yeah, apparently they came looking for me." I turned back to my friends.

Joseph was looking very uncomfortable, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Um, Jake. I was wondering - "

Ruby was already snickering at him, offering no help whatsoever. I had a broad smile, too. Poor Joseph.

"I mean, she already said yes, but - " He took a deep breath. Jacob's brow was creased. "Can I take your girl to the solstice party?" He spoke quickly, his words slurring together.

I felt Cubby tense. His eyes were hard. I sent him an image of my classmates and then stuck his large frame in the midst of them. He knew he couldn't take me himself, right? He softened, seeing reason. He sniffed. "Yeah, I suppose. Just don't kiss her; I'll break your jaw."

I swatted his arm, "Be nice," I chided, but Cubby was already laughing.

"Sorry, just remembering something," he said with a sigh. Then he tensed again. "I'm serious, Joe. Don't try any of that with her." Jacob's voice and face were serious again.

Joe paled slightly. "I wasn't thinking of trying anything, except some dancing?" He made it a question, seeking Jacob's approval.

Jacob didn't answer. I smacked Cubby again. "Yeah, that's fine. Whatever." He shook his head trying to lighten things again. "You guys staying for lunch?"

Elder Enoch presented me with my costume at the beginning of December. It was leather, beaded and feathered. The beads were set in a semi-circular design. A radiating sun. There were several loops of bells and a headdress. The headdress also resembled the rising sun. "You'll be able to dance barefoot, right?"

I nodded. "I've been practicing that way half the time." I ran my hand over the beadwork on the bodice. I fingered the eagle feathers. "You're sure you want me to do this?" I asked him. "Aren't some people going to be upset such a pale girl is dancing?"

"Maybe. But once you start moving they won't see your skin anymore. Oh, and you'll have to braid your hair." He pulled my hair away from my face into several knots at the back of my neck. "Something like that. I'm sure Billy or Jacob can help you with that part. You are pale. I never notice anymore."

I blushed and he laughed. "There, that's all you needed. Now you're red-skinned."

I chuckled but didn't look up.

"You should try it on, make sure it fits." He pointed to an empty room.

I smelled the leather as I pulled the dress on. I realized that many girls had worn this garment before me. They had each danced as I was about to. It gave the dress more weight. Wearing leather felt odd, almost like a second skin. I pulled the laces at the back, tightening the dress to my form, and knotted it. I tied the bells to my wrists and ankles. That was what they seemed to be sized for. I emerged having no idea what I looked like. I jingled as I walked. Beaded throngs clicked against one another at the bottom of my skirt.

"Oh good, it does fit. You're younger than the dancers we usually choose, I was a little concerned." He set the headdress on me and used the combs to secure it in my hair. "It will hold better when it's braided," he assured me. "Too heavy?"

I shook my head and the piece wobbled. I smiled and giggled a little. He straightened it. "You definitely look the part. Let me take the headdress off so you can try dancing in it."

I took my raven wing and found a central spot in the courtyard. He raised his drum. This time, I sang while I danced. I was glad he had planned this practice. The weight on my wrists was slight but the bells were distracting. The beads on my skirt lashed my legs from time to time. Despite these small distractions I saw the sun rising behind my eyes again. The flowers were lifting heads and opening. The grass developed fat heads of seed. Birds and insects swirled around me. Elder Enoch stopped drumming just before the end and I was broken from my trance. He put a hand to his head.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

"Yes. That was perfect, Ness. You are going to do a great job at the festival." I smiled at his compliment and then went to change back into my own clothes.

The next day, I asked Ruby if she would come and help me get ready the day of the festival. She seemed hesitant but agreed at last. "I wasn't going to go, actually," she admitted finally when we were sharing a cigarette.

"Why not?" I asked blowing out smoke.

"Well, it's an Indian thing, isn't it?" As though this explained everything.

"I suppose it is, but it's also a _me_ thing. Be there for me? It will make me feel better knowing someone is watching who won't hate me when I fall on my face." I nudged her with my shoulder.

"You aren't going to fall on your face," she said, not looking up.

"Things aren't any better at home, are they."

"No, worse actually. Mom seems to think she should stand up to him. He hurt her really badly last night. I think her cheek bone is broken." Ruby took another drag.

"Has she seen the nurse? Gone to the hospital?"

"No, she doesn't want to get my _father_ in trouble. Ludicrous."

"Well, I'll come home with you tonight, take a look. At the least I should be able to tell if any bones are broken," I offered.

Ruby smiled, but still didn't look up. She was nodding and sniffed loudly. "I was hoping you'd say that." She met my eyes now and I saw the remnants of her tears.

"Come on," I said, pulling her to her feet.

Her mother was only bruised, as it turned out. Possibly a hairline fracture. But the bruise was very deep, it wouldn't fade soon. "You need to get away from him, Ruth," I told her as I wiped her cheek again after my examination. "He didn't break anything this time, but what about next time?" I dug some ice out of the freezer and filled the cloth, touching it lightly to the bruise. "I shouldn't just offer up Billy's place, but I know he'd want me to. If the problem is somewhere to stay, come and stay with us." I looked pleadingly into her dark eyes.

They misted over. "I can't," she whispered.

"You can. We'll protect you from him. We'll have the council censure him. You are not helpless, unless you choose to refuse help." I put her hand on the ice pack and backed away. In the end, as always, the decision was up to her. I knew she wouldn't make it today.

Ruby started sleeping over at Billy's more and more often. Billy welcomed her warmly each time and made a point of mentioning that she was welcome to stay whenever she liked. It was nice having someone share my bed. I was used to sleeping with Cubby and making do with him as my mattress or no bed at all. Ruby didn't hog nearly as much of the bed. She also helped me make dinners, which made cooking twice as fun. I still didn't enjoy eating what I cooked, and I had to eat it more often as Ruby joined us. The process was fun though, blending all the separate ingredients into one new creation. Her visits also meant less time with my family. They claimed they didn't mind when I called, but I was sure they missed me. Ruby's curiosity about my family didn't abate either. She was eager to meet Mama and Edward. I had finally given her the names of the people in the pictures in my room. This didn't seem to be enough for her.

"They're all so beautiful," she moaned. "I keep thinking those are just pictures you clipped from a magazine. And your hair was really this color?" She was holding one of the only pictures with me in it. I looked about ten and even then my parents looked far too young.

"Yes." I tipped my head down. "See?" I was due to renew my dye this weekend.

"Why would you cover that up?" she asked.

I laughed out loud. "Because I'd blend right in if I wore my own hair color."

"Yeah, Okay." She rolled her eyes. "Good thing Joe doesn't know, he'd be even more nuts for you. He has a thing for red-heads."

I blushed a little. "Joe is sweet, but I have Jacob. I don't want to lead him on."

She hugged my shoulders, "You aren't. He's just crushing bad, that's all. So, let's touch up those roots and then I'll practice braiding your hair for the festival."

The morning of the festival, I woke beside Ruby. My phone was buzzing.


	7. Chapter 7

Alice was texting me.

_Important news. Come to house. ASAP._

I jumped out of bed and flung on jeans and a hoodie. "Big day," Billy greeted me.

"Gotta run, Alice has news," was all I got out before I was running at full speed.

I burst through the door. Everyone was already gathered in the main room. "What? What is it?"

"They're coming back," Alice said coldly.

I looked around the room. "So, how many this time? They aren't bringing everyone again, are they?" It was the Volturi. It had to be. Nothing else would have them all spooked like this.

Jacob came in then, dressed only in his shorts. "Billy just told me Alice had a vision, what's up?"

"The Volturi are coming back," I told him. "Now you know all I know." I looked to Alice and Edward for answers.

"They aren't on their way here, yet. They're in Brazil now. They're trying to find the ones who killed Joham," Alice informed me.

"They _would _finally take an interest in him now," I complained.

"Edeli is going to tell him about your involvement in his demise." She looked pointedly at both Cubby and me. "They're looking for the Amazons now, but Zafrina is keeping them from finding her. They will walk right past her and not see her." Alice snickered.

"But when they tire of that search," Edward interrupted, taking over the tale, "they're going to come here. To question you." He looked at me with troubled eyes. "We need to be ready when they come."

"How many?" I asked again. "They aren't foolish enough to bring the whole guard again. And definitely no witnesses. After all I'm not on trial. Am I?" I asked as his eyes twitched to Alice.

"Well, they seem to think, perhaps, that you should not have destroyed Joham. That as non-vampires you are interfering with our kind." Alice's voice was thin.

I growled. "They will twist anything. They're still after the same things though, right? You, Edward, Mama?" Alice nodded. "Then get out of here. I'll stay with the pack and they will have no reason to do anything. I'll give them their answers, and they'll go back to Italy."

Alice's eyes lost focus. "I can't see that. Probably because of the pack. Some will go home; that's odd. I can't see what happens to you or the wolves in that instance, of course."

Edward growled now. "We can't risk it."

"No, we can't. We aren't leaving." Mama agreed.

"Be reasonable. If any of you stay, it should be Rose and Emmett. The Volturi don't have any interest in them. But I think I have a good idea here. My scent is weak. I hardly visit the house anymore. If all your scents disappear together, they will believe you have gone." Edward was following my logic as I laid it out. I looked for counter moves along my path, just as I would in chess, but I was sure this was a mate scenario. "If what Aro seeks isn't here, he won't come to La Push. I'm sure the information is not enough for him to risk exposure on the reservation. Also, he will likely believe I'm still with you."

"The pack won't be enough," Emmett flexed, he planned to stay.

"I think it would be best if you all went. Otherwise, when they do catch my scent in the area, they'll think Mama and Edward are somewhere nearby. Best if you go far. Maybe overseas, maybe New Hampshire. After all, someone should go and be with Carlisle and Esme."

"We've already talked to Carlisle. He's on his way back." Edward spoke as though this were obvious.

"Well, stop him. His scent is long gone from here. That's good. How long until they come, Alice?" I asked again.

Mama was shaking her head with every argument I gave. I didn't think about that. I knew the one I needed to convince was Edward. If he thought my plan would work, he could convince Mama. Jasper came to Alice and stood behind her. He was going wherever she did, no surprise there. Rosalie and Emmett looked like they were rooted to the ground. I'd have to dig them up somehow.

"Spring. The leaves are just flushing out." Alice blinked focusing in the room again. "And there will be over twenty of them. They remember the newborn attack and know the wolves will protect us."

"Right. Well, that's plenty of time for all of you to move on. I won't come back here after today." A new thought occurred to me. "When Demetri learns you've left, will they break off entirely, try to track each one of you?"

Alice lost focus again. "After they deal with you, yes." Edward was growling watching her vision. He obviously thought they dealt harshly with me.

"Well, then we'll just have to interrupt that plan." Jacob spoke from behind me.

"Cubby, no." I looked to him with fear in my eyes. "You can't fight them. You'll be killed. These aren't newborns, they're trained killers."

"So we'll thin their numbers a bit." He was still filled with bravado.

"I still don't see anything in this plan that means we have to leave," Emmett commented.

"You will go," I told him. "You will all go." I looked into each pair of golden eyes in turn. "You will go because it is what is best for me."

"Who will they go for first, Alice? After?" Edward asked. He had accepted my plan.

She shook her head. "It's too shaky, too uncertain. It looks like they go back to Italy after."

Edward put a hand to his eyes. "All right. Ness is right. Her plan is solid. Bella, you and I will go to New Hampshire and stay with Carlisle and Esme. Jas, Alice, Rose and Emmett, you four go to Denali. If they come after you we'll meet you there, with friends. If they come after us, we'll lead them to Denali. It's the best place for a stand off after here."

Alice nodded her agreement, she could already see this plan in her vision. "I still don't see them coming after us, at least not clearly, but Alaska is a good field for it."

"We'll meet you there," Cubby insisted.

"No, you won't," Alice said very pointedly. "In none of these scenarios do I see Alaska disappear. You will stay here."

Cubby growled, and I stroked his arm to calm him. "There's a reason, Cubby. It just means I don't go either," I kept my voice soothing, and he relaxed a little.

"We aren't going to Denali," Emmett said with determination.

"Yes you are." I walked up to Emmett and showed him Rosalie in the middle of a brawl. Felix holding one arm while Demetri held the other and went for her neck. I took my hand away. "If you are here, we won't avoid a fight."

"I can't tell you she's right," Alice admitted. "I can't see for the wolves, but I know she is. You never could pass up the opportunity to throw the first punch."

Emmett growled.

"Please?" I asked him, hugging him now. "Wait in Denali? For me?"

I felt his head on my shoulder as he admitted defeat. "Fine." He backed up.

I noticed a clock. "Damn! I gotta go! I have the festival today. Wish me luck!" I asked the group.

"Good luck." They all offered as I turned to the door.

"And start packing!" I called over my shoulder.

Ruby was up and dressed when we returned. "Where'd you go?" she asked.

"Family emergency."

She raised an eyebrow but I didn't elaborate. I sat in the chair she had just vacated and pulled my hair over its back.

I tried desperately to put all thoughts of the Volturi out of my head. This was not the time to think about them. I had an important job to do today, and I was going to make Billy and Jacob proud of me. Ruby braided my hair and I changed into my costume, carrying the wrist and ankle bands for now. The headdress was waiting for me at the sacred ground. Cubby pushed Billy, so we kept to the path. "You look great, by the way," he told me.

"Thanks." I blushed a little. I was once again glad for my metabolism. The day was not warm and my skirt was not long. I had shoes on now, but the ground would be icy when I danced. I rubbed one bare arm, the first butterflies of stage fright fluttering in my belly.

Elder Enoch greeted me warmly and painted my face while the ceremony opened. "Don't worry, you're not missing anything yet," he promised when my eyes kept flicking back to the circle where the musicians were performing. I sighed and tried to stay calm. I could really use Uncle Jasper now. I watched several other groups of dancers. Listened to the legends of Thunderbird and Raven. Then Elder Enoch secured the headdress on me and pulled me to my feet. I quickly slipped on the ankle and wrist bands. I tried not to shake as I walked to the center of the ring. The sun was just setting and everything was hazy dusk. I took up my raven wing and stood poised to begin. I found Cubby in the ring and he smiled to me. I gave a small smile in reply and held my breath.

Thud thud thud. The drum began. As it had each time before, the beat carried me with it. I was swept into the trance once more. It was more vibrant than ever. I sang with the joy of it. The sun wasn't against the ocean any longer, it was rising in the east again. It was like watching time lapse footage, spring was coming. The trees flushed out with leaves, bears emerged from their caves. Young animals ran everywhere. Flowers and then berries formed and dripped from bushes. Strangest of all, my breasts filled with milk; my belly filled, heavy with child. Then the child was on the ground before me. He grew and stood. He continued to grow and faced me. He was the sun. He was beauty incarnate. His skin was russet brown and his eyes bright and shining - his hair glossy and thick. He shone. He smiled, and it blinded me. I felt my skin burn from his heat. He put one hand to my forehead and the dance was over.

I was standing still in the center of the circle, gasping for air. There was silence around me. I stumbled as I moved to leave. My movement seemed to have awakened the crowd. There was instant ululating and cheering.

Elder Enoch came forward and let me lean on his arm. He helped me to the edge of the ring and took the headdress off. "Are you all right, Nessie?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah, just a little woozy." I held my head and my hand felt cold.

"You feel like you're burning up. Let me find you a blanket." He left me sitting with my head on my knees. It still felt too warm, like the touch had actually burned me.

Cubby came and put an arm around me. He shook very gently, "How did you do that? When did you learn to do that?"

"Do what?" I asked feebly. Couldn't he see how exhausted I was?

"I saw it. They all saw it. The boy, the sun. How did you do it?"

I put one hand to either side of my head trying to comprehend. "What? I've only done that once, with my family. And I was mad as hell to pull it off. How?" I had no answers. Oddly, this time, my head didn't hurt. I was just exhausted.

Cubby shook his head. "Well, everyone is chalking it up to a good ceremony, so other than us wolves, no one is thinking it was _you_."

I shook now, feeling cold and hot at the same time. "It happened another time. I had a drink with Ruby. I couldn't control it then either."

He snorted. "You need to find more conventional friends."

I hip-checked him as Enoch handed Jacob the blanket. He wrapped it around me. It helped. Billy found me next. "I've never been to a better festival, Nessie. That was amazing."

"Thanks," I said, blushing.

Enoch agreed with him. "I've been teaching that dance for years and I've never seen it evoke such a response. The winter nights will be warmer thanks to you." He laughed. "I think we might ask you back next year, if you're willing."

I didn't answer, hoping I might find a way out this.

Joseph rescued me. "That was great, Nessie! It was trippy, but really good! It was like I could see the legend and you at the same time." Cubby met my downcast eyes and nudged me. "Are you ready for the party? Do you need to change first?"

Right, there was still a party tonight. "Yeah. I need to change. I think I need a couple more minutes as well. Do you mind waiting?"

"Of course not." I barely noticed other people congratulating me, complimenting me, as they passed. My eyes drooped and I rested on Cubby for some minutes. Joseph took my hand and the temperature difference woke me up a bit. "Don't worry. I'll make it. Just needed a snooze." I kissed Jacob's cheek and straightened. I squeezed Joe's hand, getting to my feet. I felt steady. I felt like Renesmee again; no longer that strange mother of myth. "I'll be back in a minute." I found my bag and a private spot to change.

Cubby was gone when I came back. Joe laughed. "Very urban." He wiped a finger over my cheek and showed me face paint.

I laughed, too. "Do I make a statement?" I dug through my bag for a scarf and wiped off as much as I could. "Better?"

He took the scarf from me and rubbed my nose again. Then my chin. I blushed a little as he studied my face so intently. "Better," he said. A wolf howled and Joseph jumped. _Cubby..._

Joe took my hand and led me to the bonfires on the beach. I could hear the music already. I started skipping before we left the forest. He laughed when I twirled around him. I grabbed my braids and yanked out the bottom. I raked them free while I continued to bob and sway. Once they were all free, I spun hard sending my locks whipping. I smacked Joe with them and stopped whirling to laugh. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Joe."

He was laughing, too. "I'll try not to stand so close."

"Aw. I'll keep my wild hair from strangling you, promise," I teased, taking his hand.

There was a large gathering on the beach. No less than six fires were burning along the shore. Most of our class was toward the south end of the beach and Joe led me that way. I started dancing and singing along again.

"Wow, you are the master of the catnap, aren't you?" he teased.

I laughed. "I just can't resist music." I dropped his hand to twirl again, moving my hips in time to the rhythm.

Ruby was sitting on a piece of driftwood, John beside her. She waved as I approached. "Why are you sitting?" I asked pulling her up. I held her hands and moved her arms along with me.

She bobbed jerkily in response. "Oh, let it go, Ness. I can't dance."

I pouted at her. "Well, can I steal John once in a while then?" I smiled brightly.

She laughed, "Good luck with that. He tells me he has three left feet."

"Will no one dance with me?" I complained. Joe seized me from behind and spun me around. I squealed.

"Isn't that what I'm here for?" he asked when he put me down. "Look there's Lydia and Simon." He pulled me toward the other dancing couples. I waved to Ruby and John before being dragged away.

The music wasn't really geared to couples, and we all just bounced together for the most part. I put my back to Sarah's at one point, picking up on her repeated steps and copied her in mirror. We got a lot of hoots and hollers for that one. She high-fived me before sliding back to James' side. Joseph led me a little further from the fires again and I spied Ruby, this time next to a thermos. "Punch," she declared, passing me her cup.

I looked at it skeptically, but there were plenty of people drinking it; it couldn't be spiked. I downed it quickly and refilled the cup for Joe. Ruby passed me her cigarette once my hands were free. I took a quick but deep drag. "Thanks. You're having fun?"

"Yeah, watching you all make fools of yourselves is a riot," she said with a chuckle.

I punched her shoulder. "Come on, I love this song," Joe complained, pulling me back into the fray. I waved to her again and got swept up into the music. Joseph took advantage of the dance to push any limits Cubby might have put on him. He kissed my cheek at the end of one, grabbed my butt on more than one occasion, and often had his hands around my waist. He led me away again. This time I didn't spy Ruby when he refilled our glass with punch.

I took two glasses this time, gulping eagerly. Joe took the glass and set it aside. He pushed the hair away from my face and put both hands on my cheeks. My eyes went wide, but I didn't have time for more of a reaction before he kissed me. He didn't linger, breaking it quickly. "There. Jacob can break my jaw if he wants; it was worth it." I heard a hoot of "Go Joe!" over my shoulder; someone had been watching us.

I blushed furiously. Then I decided to throw caution to the wind and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him again. I was giddy. I was having such a great time, and almost all of that was thanks to Joseph. It was in the middle of the kiss that I recognized the feeling associated with this giddiness. It had come upon me much more quickly that time, so I only felt the fire in my blood not the lightness in my head. The punch _was_ spiked. I was projecting to Joe right now. I settled back on my heels "I'm sorry." I said in a rush and turned to run.

He grabbed my hand, but it slipped from his grip. I tried to think of safe things, things that would seem normal in the trees I had now entered. Owls, breezes, the moon. I pulled Cubby. Joe was following, I could hear him. I remembered his kiss, quick but lovely. I shook my head.

"Ness?" he called to me.

I climbed a tree, hoping he would continue under the assumption he was still on my trail. I tried again to think only of the night. The shadows, the rustling of the wind. I kept my breathing even trying to focus. I pulled Cubby again. I needed his help.

"Jacob?" Joe called now. Dammit! Focus, Nessie. Owls, the moon, wolves. I heard Joe startle, looking for the predators that weren't there. "I know you're here, Nessie. I don't know what's wrong, but please, come out."

"I can't," I whispered. I pulled Cubby again, harder this time. I heard the wolf crashing over the undergrowth. Joe was right between him and me. I jumped from the tree onto the path, "Move Joe!" I yelled. Jacob was running straight for him. Joe lunged into the bushes, and I grabbed Cubby's neck, swinging myself onto his back. I pictured the Black house and he took off in that direction. I remembered Joe's kiss one more time as Cubby ran. He growled and I tugged his ear. I remembered all of his kisses then. Starting with the ones he'd placed on my infant lips and head. His tongue lolled, much happier with these thoughts. "I need to get home; they spiked the punch." He growled again.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke with a headache, again. Cubby was unsympathetic. "What is it with you and alcohol?" he asked.

"I didn't know the punch was spiked. Everyone was drinking it, so I figured it wasn't. God, what is Joe thinking now? Does he know I'm a freak?" I asked, throwing myself back on my bed.

"He won't be thinking at all when I'm done with him," Cubby threatened.

"Oh, get over it. It was a quick peck. My kiss was worse." I squeezed my eyes shut, realizing Jacob didn't know about that part.

"Your kiss?" he asked.

I took his hand and showed it to him. He groaned. "I'm sure it was the booze. Made me tipsy. Then it made me dangerous. What am I going to do?"

"Get Ruby to sound him out, find out if he thinks anything of it," he suggested, pulling hair off my face. I was nibbling on a nail.

"Yeah. I could do that. I also meant about me and alcohol. Obviously I don't go looking for the stuff. How can I be sure it doesn't find me?"

"Use your nose. Sniff before you drink," he teased, flicking the tip of my nose. I scrunched it.

"Right, ugh." I threw my arm over my eyes. "Are you awful mad at me?" I asked.

"For what? The kiss? Nah. It wasn't like... a Nahuel kiss or anything. I'd have to kill him then." I laughed and threw a pillow at him. That lead to a pillow fight and Billy yelling for us not to break the house.

I called Ruby to ask her to feel Joseph out about last night. "I mean, I ran off after he kissed me. I don't want him to think that I'm mad or I hate him or anything like that. It feels so, so girlie asking you to do this, but I want to make sure things are Okay, y'know?"

"Sure, Ness. It's way too girlie, but for you, I'll do it," she agreed grudgingly.

"Thanks. Next pack of smokes is on me." Even though my total consumption was probably still not an entire pack, I felt bad that I was always taking from her.

"Deal."

I headed to the cottage to check that things were progressing properly on the family front. "Hello? Anyone still here?" I asked opening the door.

Mama peeped around a corner. "Hey, Nessie. We're almost done." She hefted a box which probably held the contents of the now empty bookshelf. "I'm glad you caught us, though. It would be terrible to not get to say goodbye." She came and hugged me.

"So when did Edward finally convince you?"

"Oh, he still hasn't convinced me. But he threatened withholding marital privileges, and I prefer not to call his bluff. I'm pretty sure it's a bluff..." Her eyes narrowed in the direction of their bedroom and I laughed.

"I'm sure it is. He couldn't resist you for more than, what an hour?" She looked at me appalled. "You're right. Five minutes tops." She smiled.

Edward swept Mama up just then. "Less." He kissed her soundly before putting her back on her feet.

"How about the others? Are they still at the house?"

Edward shook his head. "Nope, off to Denali. Alice left you this. Said it detailed the timing as best she could for you." he handed me an envelope.

"Thanks," I said, taking it gingerly.

"Don't question the plan now," he warned me. "You sold me on it. You find fault now and we're all in trouble."

I smiled a little, "No, just thinking about how much I'm going to miss all of you. And how much I don't want to face this on my own." I tapped the envelope on my palm. "But I can and will. They don't want me. I'm not worth anything to them, except as a pawn. Once Aro sees my memories of Joham, he'll see how terrible a pawn I make. I'm too ready to kill myself first."

Mama flinched a second after Edward. He heard the thought before it escaped my lips. "Forget I said that. The point is, I'm no good as a hostage. He won't take me. He'll wind up coming after you next though, assuming I can keep the wolves from getting themselves killed." I sighed. "I better go have a tactics session with Cubby and Sam, make them see reason. Like you can reason with a wolf," I muttered. Edward laughed.

"Oh," Mama said laying a hug, a kiss, another hug, and another kiss on me. "Those are from Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice. In that order."

I smiled at her and then frowned. "I wish I'd gotten to say a proper goodbye. Oh well, I'm sure I'll see all of you again in a few months." I brightened again.

"How was the dance?" Edward prompted. He saw the whole thing in brief.

"The dancing part was good," I began. Mama noticed his jaw clench though. "You want the verbal version or the non-verbal?" I asked her with a smirk.

"Non-verbal, I guess." I took her hand and walked her through my night. Starting with the dance and projecting on the entire audience, through kissing Joseph and calling Jacob to whisk me away.

"Not my best night ever," I summed it up.

"He kissed you?" Mama asked.

"Yeah. It was really sweet," I said, blushing. "I just wish I hadn't been half-drunk." I sighed loudly. "Ruby's calling him today. Hopefully he just chalks most of it up to the night and the punch. Otherwise I'm going to have some more dancing to do." Around the truth in this case.

Mama hugged me again. "You'll manage. You're great at managing."

"Thanks, Mama." I hugged her back. "What about you?" I asked Edward. "You as miffed about him kissing me as Cubby?"

"Oddly, no. I think I'll leave the jaw breaking to Jacob for a while," he said with one of his crooked smiles.

"Thanks," I said completely without gratitude. "Here," I said, giving Mama two more squeezes. "Those are for Carlisle and Esme," I told her with a smile. "And thank them again for my birthday present. I've gone through about four discs so far."

"We will. Be careful, Nessie. Stay close to Jacob," she advised me.

"Always."

Ruby was at the Blacks' when I got home. We sat in the yard. "So?" I asked her. "Does he hate me? Think I'm a freak?"

"Oh he knows you're a freak," she teased, not knowing how true it was. "But he doesn't hate you. He was really worried about you, actually. Glad to know I'd heard from you today. He said he saw an enormous wolf in the woods."

"Huh," I said. "Did he say anything else?"

She seemed surprised I didn't react to the wolf sighting but continued anyway. "Just asked me to tell you that he's sorry if he hurt your feelings. I told him that was way too girlie for me to pass on, but he promised to do my History homework for next week if I did it, so I did it." She hmphed and lit a smoke. "What's going on, Nessie? Why am I relaying for you two?" She passed me the cigarette.

I took a puff, trying to formulate an answer. "The punch was spiked, wasn't it?"

"Was it?" she asked taking the smoke back. "I didn't notice."

"I did. That's why I ran. I was a bit tipsy and didn't trust a thing I was doing. I really don't handle liquor well. I'm going to avoid it as much as I can."

"Good policy," she commented, taking another drag. "So why is he being twitchy?"

I cocked an eyebrow. "Have you noticed my 6'7" boyfriend? I'd be twitchy too."

She laughed. "Yeah, Okay. I get that. So are you going to call him now?"

"Not now. I'll talk to him in class on Monday. Everything should be fine."

And it was. Well, except that Joseph had grown four inches over the weekend. "Hey Joe! Where's the flood?" John asked when he came into history.

"Har har. My mom's taking me to Port Angeles on the weekend. Until then I'm stuck with what I got."

"Does it hurt?" I asked. He looked at me questioningly. "Growing that fast. Does it hurt?" It had never hurt me, but I wasn't exactly on the charts anywhere.

"Not really, no. Just awkward. Like all the doorways got smaller." He looked down again. "Thanks."

"For what?" I asked, opening my notebook.

"For not acting weird with me."

I laughed out loud. "Well, you are turning into a freaky tall man, but you might have noticed I go for that type."

He smiled broadly and tugged one of my locks.

The next weekend, Cubby and I headed for Sam and Emily's. It was time to inform the other pack of the coming danger. I brought Alice's letter with me. Claire was there, too. "Heya, Nessie! You were unbelievable at the Solstice! I could see the sun! Did you do that?" she asked, suddenly wary.

"Yeah, I think I did."

Emily smiled at me. "It was great, Nessie. You made magic." She put a plate of pancakes on the table, which was quickly divided among the wolves assembled.

"Thanks. I wish I was here for a social visit. I haven't had enough of those, I'm sorry. But this is why I came." I stepped up to the table and laid Alice's letter in front of Sam. "There's trouble coming."

He looked it over quickly. Alice had listed all of the Volturi she recognized in the vision and any powers she knew of. She expected them to reach the house in March, probably the second week. Just before noon on the day the trees open their leaf buds.

"I plan to leave a message for them. To meet me in the same clearing as before. I will give them what they want and they will leave." I spoke sure and strong.

"You really think they'll just go?" Sam asked incredulously. Cubby growled, showing his opinion of my plan.

"I really do. I think what they really want isn't here. They do want the information on Joham. Aro will probably want every memory in my head. But once he has that, he'll be satisfied. Until he gets another opportunity. Splitting Alice and Mama up will help too. Demetri can't just go after both of them together. And as badly as they want them, they aren't willing to tarnish their reputation to get them. So he'll take everything I know, about Joham, about myself, and he'll leave."

"And if something does go wrong?" Jared asked this time.

"I think there might be some friends of mine that would take that badly." I heard laughing and cheers around me. Emily didn't smile. Claire looked worried too. They knew their men were on the line in this plan. Mine was too. "But it won't go wrong. I'll give Aro what he wants and he will leave. Clean, simple."

"How do you plan to lead them to the clearing?" Quil asked. He knew about the attack through Jacob, but most of the planning was still on the table.

"I'm going to visit the house, then the clearing, then Jacob will take me home. My scent will lead them. We'll just wait for them there. Assuming Demetri doesn't lead them straight to the clearing first. I'm guessing not. They'll want to check the house for the others."

"And they're all gone?" Paul verified. "Every last bloodsucker."

"Everyone but me. Mama and Edward left last week." I kept looking around the room. Not everyone was here, but half the pack tensed, starting to anticipate.

"Jacob," Sam said rising. "I think we need to discuss something." He stepped outside and Cubby followed. I looked to Emily with a question in my eyes. She shook her head; she didn't have any idea either.

I took Sam's empty seat and read Alice's list again, even though I had it memorized. The two names under Aro's troubled me the most. Alec and Jane. Either one would be bad. Both was disastrous. I could not afford a misstep. I had to be sure the wolves were back up. Out of sight for the most part. Just Cubby and maybe Sam with me in the clearing. All the others simply on alert. As always, I could not allow this to turn into a fight. We would lose too many, they would lose too few. I tried to place the names as pieces on a chessboard. Most of them were pawns, like Felix. Tough but not much beyond their strength and endurance. Even Demetri was only troublesome in bringing them, not on the field itself. Aro, was the king, obviously. If he were taken out, the whole game would end. Most of these would not fight without their master. Ranata was a rook. Ready to castle, always covering the king. Alec was the queen. He could cover the entire board, threaten every other piece. Jane was a knight. Tricky, but not good beyond attack.

I shook my head looking to see if Jacob and Sam were finished yet. I chastised myself. What was the point in planning an attack I would never allow? I rose and walked over to Claire, stroking her hair and showing her pictures of our last picnic on the beach. It had been chilly and misty, but our wolves kept us warm. Well her, I never got cold either. She hugged me. "I'm scared," she admitted.

"I am, too. At least they aren't coming for you," I reminded her.

"But you'll be there when they come. I wouldn't even know if..." She choked on the thought.

"You would Claire. I know you would, because I had Jacob taken from me for a time. You feel it. It's a terrible feeling, like you left a piece of you somewhere and can't find it again. You keep looking, sure it's just around the corner. But you never find it." I sniffed suddenly. I didn't even realize I'd started crying. "I won't let that happen, Claire. Emily." I said looking to her and seeing the same expression on her face as on mine and on Claire's. It would be on Kim's if she were here, too, and Rachel's. The boys still looked like they were just eager for a fight. I sent Claire another image of her and Quil. In this one she was older, the same age Quil was now. She smiled. "I'll make sure you get there, together," I promised.

Sam and Jacob came back now. Sam was grinning but Jacob looked uneasy. "Well, boys. It was past time we stopped being two packs," Sam began. There was much stomping and thudding. So that's what they were doing. "I don't want us to go into battle divided again. The rightful Alpha has finally accepted his place." Emily came and hugged Sam. He looked like a weight had been lifted from him.

And it had settled on Jacob. I had been told why he resisted stepping up as Alpha. How he was intimidated by the responsibility, how he bowed to Sam's experience. But surely he realized none of that was applicable anymore? He had grown in five years. He was past ready for this. He wasn't a new wolf any longer. I smiled at him, hoping he would feel my encouragement.

"Jacob?" I asked him as we walked home.

"Yeah, Nessie?"

"Why is Joseph growth spurting? I mean. My family is gone. What would be triggering him?" I probably knew almost as much about the wolf phenomenon as he did at this point, but maybe he would think of something I hadn't.

"Yeah. But he's been hanging pretty closely with a half-vampire. More closely than I would like." I nudged him with my shoulder.

"So, will he still phase? Or is this just, I don't know, some possibility that will never arise. I mean, you would have been tall anyway, just not as big as you are, right?" I really didn't want to think I was ruining Joe's life. I knew most of the wolves didn't see it that way anymore, but it wasn't something that could be undone. If I could keep it from happening to Joe, I would try.

"I don't know, Ness. It's too early to say. Maybe you should just stop kissing him," he teased. "Raging hormones - you'll pop the poor boy's mind for sure."

I made to slug him and he dodged. I chuckled. "I just don't want to add any more risk to this situation. A new wolf..." I shuddered.

"Yeah. Well, that's what the Alpha's for, right? Look out for new kids." I saw Cubby's jaw clench.

"Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for taking this on. I know, in the end, it was really only for me. If it was Emily the Volturi were coming for, Sam would be Alpha now." I looked at my feet.

"Maybe. Maybe not. It was mine all along, I just never pressed it. Everything's been quiet, there wasn't any need for either of us to bend. There was a reason now. I think I can handle it. Still scary though."

"The whole thing is scary! I mean. I'm going to have to let that creep into my head. I haven't had to do that yet. I avoided it last time. I knew it would be bad. But this time... I don't know. I hate thinking that he's going to have a part of everything you are to me."

"Look on the bright side," he reminded me. "He also gets to be molested." He grinned widely.

I did punch him and he grunted. "Jerk. So, should I avoid Joseph?"

"Nah, whatever comes, comes. He's gonna follow you around anyway. Like a puppy wolf," he lolled his tongue out and I smacked him again. Then I put my arm through his and rested my head on his arm. I tried to let my fear and anxiety ebb into Jacob.

When we got home, we had house guests. I ran to hug Ruth. "I'm so glad." I picked up one of her bags and carried it into the house. "Billy?" I called. "I think we have some extended company."

He turned and smiled to Ruth. "Welcome! You must be Ruby's mother. I am so glad to meet you."

Ruby followed with her bag and carried it straight into my room.

"Hmm," Jacob mused following me in. "If the mom takes my room, where am I going to sleep?"

"Lots of room on the couch, Jake," Billy teased.

I hadn't thought through that problem. I frowned and looked to Cubby. "It's Okay, Ness. I'm probably going to be out a lot of nights anyway," he reminded me.

Ruby looked at him oddly when she emerged from my room, "Why? You won't be home at all?"

Oops again. "Yeah, I've got a pack that likes to steal me for all nighter keg parties," Jacob answered "You coming to the next one, Ness?"

"Very funny, Cubby."


	9. Chapter 9

With my family so far away, I spent more time with my laptop, writing and answering e-mail. Mama had made it just in time to sneak into a few night classes for January. She was auditing, not officially enrolled in Dartmouth, but enjoying her psychology class anyway. Mama was taking psychology? Why, I wondered. Her brain was the impossible nut to crack, everyone else was easy by comparison. I received letters from Alice and Carmen, telling me how well things were going there. Alice hadn't seen any changes to the time table yet.

Most of the letters were completely Ruby-safe, and I let her read those with me. Her curiosity in my family had never waned. She seemed surprised that Mama would be enrolling at Dartmouth. "Doesn't she feel a little out of place there? I know there are adult students but..."

"Nah, she blends in better than I do," I assured Ruby.

As spring neared my family wrote and called more and more often. "It was easier to accept this plan when I could hear it straight from your head," Edward admitted one night. "Now I'm wondering if we made a mistake."

"No!" I argued vehemently. "No, Daddy. This is going to work. I'm scared as hell, but it _is _the best plan. You and Mama need to stay with Carlisle and Esme. The wolves have my back. I'll be fine."

Mama's voice was even more strained when she took the phone. "You know we'd be back in hours if you needed us, right?"

"I know, Mama. But I'm fine, really. This is going to work. I'm going to send the Volturi back to Italy and you'll all be able to come home. Able to, I sort of hope _you_ don't. I'm terribly jealous that you're attending Dartmouth, even if it is only auditing. It's going to be a few more years till I can get in there."

"I'd take you over this any day," she said truthfully.

Alice started calling, too. "I still don't see any changes, but Nessie, I don't see you either. I hate not being able to tell what's going to happen to you."

"I know it's hard, Alice. I hate not knowing if the wolves are going to blow this up." She couldn't see that either. She only knew the wolves were involved enough that she couldn't see anything.

"And your success is shaky, Nessie. In some cases the entire guard return to Italy. In some only a handful. Sometimes they come after Edward and I, and in others they simply return to Volterra. I don't like not knowing."

"I know it's hard for you Alice, especially trying to see around the wolves and I. I know how difficult that is for you." Alice was always a little distressed when things disappeared. More so when they stayed black. "But I really appreciate all the efforts you've made on my behalf. Let me know if anything else changes."

"Of course I will," she replied testily. "Let me know if anything there changes."

"I will. I love you, Alice."

Now that I wasn't visiting my family on the weekends, I took advantage of the time to visit Emily and Sam more often. It was a great opportunity to get to know the younger wolves better. I hadn't been much more than introduced to them up until now. Jacob was glad to make his presence felt in that circle as well. These minds were new to him. He took all the newest wolves out to patrol on the Cullen land. It was a pretense to check the state of our scents in the area, but he used the time to get to know the new pack members. While he did, I sat with Sam and Emily.

"You're sure you're Okay with all this?" I asked Sam. "I mean, giving up being Alpha?"

He laughed out loud. "I'm about ready to give up the wolf, Ness. I'm thrilled to not be the Alpha anymore."

I hadn't thought about this, but it was true. Emily was aging, she was nearing thirty but Sam still appeared to be in his mid-twenties. Sam had run for six years as a wolf. He'd gone from being alone in his strange new world to having the largest pack the Quileutes had any memory of. He'd run off nomads, newborns and the Volturi once already. He was no doubt very satisfied with his accomplishments.

Emily kissed him, and I sighed. It wasn't as satisfying as Mama kissing Edward, but it was a similar feeling. I was glad they had each other. I was glad Cubby was Alpha. Sam would be able to age happily with Emily instead of waiting for his pack. Jacob wouldn't be giving up his wolf for a long, long time.

Other weekends were spent doubling with Claire and Quil. We went to another movie - a mild action flick that Claire's Mom didn't object to. We went out for lunch often in Forks. We had picnics together on the beach. Ruby tagged along on one of those.

"Claire... and Quil?" she whispered incredulously. "He's not..." She didn't seem to know how to finish her thought.

"No, they're really really good friends. It's like Jacob and I. It'll probably go there one day, but for now, we just enjoy each others company."

She seemed to accept this answer, which is good. Imprinting was difficult to explain even when it was acceptable to do so. As she got to know her, Ruby liked Claire, too, and now understood why I sometimes ditched our group at lunch to sit with Claire instead. I noticed Quil and Claire practicing careful non-contact. I made a point not to invite Ruby to one of these dates again. We'd do a girls' night or something. I didn't want Claire to feel she had to be anything but herself with Cubby and I.

Our first sleep-over was a riot. Thankfully, Cubby was out. It was far, far too girlie for him. Claire braided my hair and talked endlessly about Quil and some boy in her class named Joshua. We smiled and told her about Joe, John, and the others. She raided my 'Alice' wardrobe. Almost none of it fit her, but she loved pulling on the silkier items. I gave her one of my nightgowns to wear to bed.

"Alice is gone now, isn't she?" Claire asked, looking down at the blue satin.

"Yes," I said sadly. "She, Jasper, Emmett and Rose are all in Alaska. Mama, Edward, Carlisle and Esme are in New Hampshire. I miss them."

Claire hugged me. "At least you still have Cubby." She had picked up my nickname for Jacob, though she never called him that.

Cubby was dealing well with his eviction. It still bothered me a lot that he had been rousted from his house. He stashed his things in Billy's room and built a semi-permanent nest on the couch. I sometimes sneaked out of my room at night to curl up with him. It seemed the only way to offer condolence.

"How do you sleep like that?" Ruby asked when she found us one morning, utterly entangled. "Isn't he heavy?" I had most of Cubby's lower half covering my chest by morning.

I laughed. "Only when he won't wake up..." I heaved one huge thigh off me onto the floor. He woke with a start.

"Hmm? Morning all ready?" he muttered, rolling to let me escape.

"How do you sleep like that?" Ruby asked again while helping me make eggs for breakfast. Mmmm eggs. I left mine as runny as possible.

I shrugged. "We've always tossed like that. I got used to it pretty quick. We're also both ridiculously deep sleepers." I flipped Ruth's and Billy's eggs and scrambled Ruby's.

"You don't toss that much when we share the bed."

How could I answer that? _Because I make sure to sleep on my hands when I sleep with you?_ That wouldn't make any sense. "Maybe he's the tosser and I'm just moving to keep comfy," I mused. That might actually be true. Even when I had a bed entirely to myself I didn't toss as much as I did when sleeping with Cubby.

"You sleep with him often?" she asked. She was trying to ask casually, but I caught her thought; why were we sleeping together at all?

I shrugged again, setting Billy's plate on the table. "Not all the time. I just want to make it easier for him while he's out of a bed. We always sleep together when we camp with my family. Kinda like he's camping in the living room." I smiled broadly at that thought.

Ruby laughed, "Yeah, I guess. You know you two are a little strange, right?" she blushed as she asked; she didn't want to offend.

"Morning, Billy." I greeted him as he rolled up to the table.

"Morning, Ness, Ruby. Coffee on?"

"Yep!" I brought him a cup.

"That lump on the couch planning on moving today?"

A pillow flew out of the living room to hit Billy in the back of the head. He tossed it back over his shoulder without really looking at it.

"Billy, Ruby thinks Cubby and I are a little strange. Can you imagine? I mean what could be more normal than a twenty year-old hanging around with a teeny-bopper? We're the epitome of normalcy, aren't we?" My sarcasm was thick and abusive.

Billy laughed hard enough to splutter. "Normal, yeah, good one."

Ruby laughed, too, now. I hoped she didn't feel at all awkward about her question. It was strange, but it was normal for us.

The best part about having Ruby and Ruth stay with us? Ruby stopped ditching class. It was nice to have her beside me in Lore. And we didn't smoke much at all anymore. The pack of cigarettes I bought for her would likely be our last.

Joseph continued to grow. His shirts were suddenly stretched very tightly across his chest. It was terribly attractive. I wasn't the only girl who had to be careful not to gawk. He spurned all of their attentions, preferring to stay close to me. He asked me to accompany him on the beach one evening. Curious, I agreed.

"Ness, I know we haven't really talked about the Solstice since, but... did you ride off on a giant wolf?" He shook his head as he said it, as though he couldn't believe the words himself.

I bit my lip. I knew I couldn't tell him until he was a wolf himself. What could I say? "That punch was something else, eh?" I tried, hoping he'd think it was just a drunken hallucination.

I wasn't that lucky. "Yeah, but I saw that wolf more than once. And I got the strange impression that he was Jacob Black." He picked up a flat stone and skipped it. It caught in the third swell out. "And I saw me kissing you again, even though I was in the woods and really worried about you. I wasn't thinking about kissing you anymore at all."

I looked down, using my hair for a shield. I was in such deep dung here. "That sounds like an alcohol response to me. And that dance made legends come alive, or so I've been told. Maybe that's why you started seeing wolf-men." I had the feeling he wasn't going to buy that, but it was the best I could offer. I hated lying to Joe almost as much as lying to Ruby.

He shrugged, and I knew he hadn't bought my cover story. "Joe. I can't tell you the truth. I'm not allowed to." I jumped up and hugged him tightly; he stood stiff in my arms. "I want to. I hate not being able to share with you." I put my face into his shoulder and felt the stinging of tears. Stupid hormones. "It won't make you feel better, but I can't tell Ruby either. It makes everything so hard." I sniffled a little.

He softened finally and pushed me back by the shoulders. He brushed my hair away from my face and traced his thumbs over my cheeks, sweeping away my tears. "It's Ok, Nessie. I can't say I understand, because I don't, but I don't want you to be upset by it. I won't ask again, all right?" He cupped my chin to keep me from looking down again.

I took a ragged breath and nodded as much as his grip allowed. I licked my lips. "I'm really sorry, Joseph." My voice broke on his name and I felt my lips tremble again.

He leaned in to kiss me and stopped. "It wasn't my kiss that scared you off that night, right?" he checked.

"No," I whispered and rose on my toes to meet his lips. A few more tears had leaked out and shimmered when I back away again.

Again he brushed them away. "No more tears," he whispered and kissed me again. I would have to keep this one from Cubby. It made my heart race and my blood boil. I broke it with a gasp.

Joseph hugged me. "I won't ask again." Then he groaned. "This isn't right. It's not good for either of us." He took his hands from around me and plopped down on a nearby boulder, handing his head. "Jacob loves you. And it's obvious you love him." He sighed deeply. "I just can't seem to help loving you, too."

I moved to sit beside him and put my head on his shoulder. "I know, but I don't want you to stop loving me. Is that wrong?" I looked up at him. "The way you feel makes me feel good." I took his hand and played with his long fingers. My hand was so pale compared to his. Then I noticed it wasn't as cool as it used to be. Joseph was getting closer to the change. I swallowed hard. "I don't know what to do." I said honestly, looking up into his eyes.

He closed his and there was pain on his face. Then he smirked a little, "Promise to protect me from Jacob?" he asked.

I giggled. "You look like you can protect yourself these days," I commented, trying to wrap a hand around one of his biceps.

"Hmm," he muttered. He took his arm from my grip and put it around my waist, pulling me into his chest. "Oh Nessie, Nessie, Nessie," his voice trailed off as he stroked my hip. We watched the sun sink slowly into the ocean.


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up and saw Ruby lying next to me. She was still asleep. My phone buzzed. That would be my morning 'are you still alive' call from Mama. I rolled off my side of the bed and picked it up. It wasn't Mama. It was a text from Alice. _**The leaves are opening**_ was all it said. She knew Ruby often saw my phone and my messages, so she tended to censor. I deleted this one right away. There was no way I was going to explain that. I pulled on cargos and a T-shirt and stepped out to wake Cubby.

He's been out part of the night with the wolves, scoping the clearing. We knew the time was coming. I couldn't quite believe it was today. We had a few things to do before noon. I hoped no one missed me at school. I wrote a quick note for Ruby and Billy.

_Family emergency  
Be home tonight_

Billy would know where we were. I shook Cubby vigorously. "Cubby. It's time. Wake up."

"Hmm?" He ran a hand through his short hair and then over his eyes. "Time for school?"

"No," I said coldly, and he pulled his hand down from his face.

"Oh, right." He got up and followed me outside.

He phased and carried me a little way from the Black house. Then he sent up the Alpha summons and took me to the Cullen house.

I opened the door for the first time in weeks. It smelled different; empty, musty. I walked through the house to the back door. Cubby had already gone around and was headed for the clearing; the wolves were meeting him there.

I turned and walked back to the staircase. I climbed the stairs slowly, my eyes on the object on the landing. There was grandfather's cross. I stood, examining it. I had never embraced Christianity, but there was part of me today that hoped there was a benevolent creator watching over me. Someone who would be with me when I walked alone into the devil's embrace.

Please, I prayed, watch over me. Help me keep my friends safe. Help me keep my family safe. Help me do what is right.

I stood for another minute in silent reflection and then made my way to the clearing.

The wolves were gathered in the middle of clearing when I arrived. "Well, today's the day. I'm sure those of us cutting class are bemoaning the fact that it had to be a Thursday." There were barks of laughter. "Thank you all, again. I wish you didn't have to be here, but... well, I need you. I need you to cover my back, otherwise my big bad bloodsucking family would be a little pissed off." More barks and a few yips that I was sure implied they could handle my family. "Remember, keep downwind. I don't want them to know you're here. If they don't break off and leave, take 'em out." I said. It was weird to know they were all talking to each other but I couldn't hear any of it. "Sam, would you and two others wait with me in the clearing? That sound good, Cubby?"

He huffed, which I took as a yes, and I started walking upwind. I wanted my scent to be clear as noonday. Cubby phased then and hugged me. "I'll be right behind you. I'll have your back, literally, Okay?"

I nodded and kissed him. "I know you do. I love you." I sent him images of him guarding me.

"Right." He backed up and phased again, heading into the trees.

Sam, or Cubby, had chosen Jared and Paul to flank me with him. I bit my lip and tried to calm the butterflies in my stomach. I knew I could do this. I knew this would work. I started repeating that in a mantra. I felt my pockets. Flint and knife for real fire, and liquid fire in the other. I still didn't understand what had possessed me to kidnap Billy's flask, but it was in my right pocket now, filled with rum. I considered a swig for courage, but that was a decidedly bad idea.

I heard a low whine behind me and Paul rubbed his nose with a paw. They were here. I hoped the wolves were still undetected. Black cloaks emerged from the trees. They moved in concert, as always before. First five, then ten, then twenty. Fortunately there weren't many more than that.

When they came within fifty yards of me I addressed them. "You wished to speak with me?" I asked in a loud clear voice. It was steadier than I expected. They stopped as one. They knew now they'd find none but me here. No other scents were left in the house. Demetri knew they were no longer in the area.

I tried not to shake. I tried to remember the plan. I had to be brave for my family. I had to be brave for my friends. If I showed fear now, the Volturi would strike and my friends would attack. We stood regarding one another. There was a slight shifting and a pair of dark cloaks moved forward, Aro and Renata. I felt decidedly under-dressed in cargo pants and cotton, but I wasn't here to make an impression.

Aro pulled back his hood. "Renesmee?" he asked. "Is that you?" He used his overly friendly tone. I stepped away from my wolf friends and toward the ancient vampire. I held my hand in front of me, hoping to prevent any ill reactions. I stopped twenty feet from him, hoping he would come a little further toward me. I did not relish being surrounded by the guard.

I was in luck. Aro stepped forward to take my hand. Renata did not follow as closely. Before he could take my hand, I lifted it to his forehead, just as I had when I was little. I remembered the last meeting, when I was only months old, and showed it to him.

"It _is_ Renesmee," he declared. "Tell me, child, what happened in Brazil?" I felt his icy hands above and below mine as he took it. As had happened on occasion before, I felt something I should not be able to feel. I should not be able to feel Mama's shield when it covered me, and I should not be able to see the memories Aro took from me now. I was remembering Joham's demise. I was remembering burning the notebook. I was remembering Jacob, lunging at him while I was still blinded by Zafrina's illusion. I was remembering in reverse. I was remembering Nahuel's kiss, the forest, the river, asking the circle why Edward was upset. I tried to project over that memory. I tried to turn it into asking only Senna. The boring didn't stop, it didn't slow. I had no idea if my projection had had any effect. Tefe and Pedro, the circle's memories of physical love. I wrote that over as well, making all the memories Senna's now. I still didn't know if it worked, but I would try to protect the circle. Back and back it went, my dream of being older with Jacob, my fight with Edward. None of these mattered now, I wouldn't risk upsetting Aro by changing any of them.

So all my memories of my early years with my family flowed from me to him. I only interrupted again when he reached the memories of their last arrival. Now he could see why I had avoided him taking my hand then. But that knowledge was meaningless now. Mama's careful preparation for my escape, Mama's shield. I didn't need to hide any of these any longer. My first time spent with the Amazons was much harder. I turned most of these into memories of Senna, sharing her thoughts alone, and I tried to make their explanations of the circle dream-like, voices muffled, as though I were drifting off to sleep. I kept my eyes locked on Aro's looking for any indication he'd noticed my projections. I wasn't altering my memories, just projecting a false image over it. It was entirely possible he was seeing both and I was calling attention to things I'd rather he ignored. His eyes gave no sign.

Now we returned to Joham's demise and worked forward. He saw my private moments with Cubby, my first day of school, my plan to send my family away. I considered writing over that as well, but I wanted him to know I did not want a fight. Hopefully he didn't either. He knew now where my family was, that Edward and Mama were separate from Alice. That they would unite if he went after them again. He knew the wolves were circled around us now, out of sight.

The boring eased. That was when I realized how little time had passed. In essence my life had flashed before my eyes. I grasped his hand now and sent him images. Him standing with my family. Him standing to one side of my wolf friends. I trusted him with their lives. I'd honored his wish, now I asked him to honor mine. I wanted him to trust me. Especially now that he knew he was surrounded by wolves. The last image as I started to pull my hand away was of me kissing his cheeks. A sign of friendship, of peace. "May I?" I asked. My throat was dry and my voice cracked slightly.

"Of course, sweet Renesmee." He opened his arms and I stepped into them. I put my hands on either side of his icy, marble neck. I kissed first his left cheek.

Then, a thought he had dredged returned to me. The chess set. Aro the king. Mate in one, I thought, putting the fingers of my left hand into the hair on the back of his neck. I gripped it very gently and moved to kiss his right cheek. I pulled Cubby as my lips missed his cheek and my jaws opened.

I sliced my teeth through the marble and pulled him by the hair, twisting against the grip of my right hand on his left shoulder. His head tore free and I followed through, twisting, turning on my toe. Everything began to happen very quickly and simultaneously. I released Aro's head and it flew ahead of me. Jacob was leaping over Sam and the others straight for me. Renata, the only one close enough, began to grab for me. The head brushed Jacob's forepaws and dropped onto Sam. Sam used his nose to lob it back into the air and in the direction of the trees I was now facing. I took my first long stride and felt my hair pull free of Renata's grip. I started sprinting for the trees. Even before my second stride I heard the growl of all the wolves descending from every side. I had pulled them when I had pulled Cubby.

Hell was breaking in the clearing, and I was the one who had released it. I knew many of my friends would perish today, but to rid the world of Aro, and likely a good number of these others, it might be a fair trade. My third stride. It could never be a fair trade. What had I done? My fourth stride. How many had I led to their deaths? My fifth stride. How many had I made safe?

I reached the trees and kicked Aro's head a little further into the brush, out of sight of the clearing. We would deal with burning much later. I climbed the spruce and turned for the first time to survey the damage I had wrought. It was a battle field. It was tumultuous. It was chaotic. Then it became clear to me. I could see the wolves not as individuals. They were working in concert, as was their tactic. Cubby was trying to attack Renata, but her shield kept him at bay. She was eying the other wolves fearfully. No doubt wondering how many she could shield against at once. Her eyes also stopped more than once on Aro's headless form. That frightened her more.

_Leave her, Cubby,_ I thought, _she is going to run._ He seemed to sense this and moved to attack another of the many pawns, as I saw the brutish vampires with no offensive powers. Jane drew my attention. She was dropping individual wolves as they tried to attack her, but was also moving and looking toward my position. She wanted me.

That was when the wind shifted. I picked up two scents I recognized and was filled with dread. Joseph and Ruby. Why did they have to follow me today? Today of all days!

I couldn't look to them now, instead I locked my eyes on Alec. He was not currently a target, but he was beginning to unleash his power. I pulled the flask from pocket, now understanding why I had brought it. I took a long swig of Billy's rum and gasped. The fire hit my blood faster than I expected. Even as the wolves lost sight and sound, I was able to return it to them, projecting the field from my vantage point. I concentrated very intently on the battle beneath me. Lighting areas of concern. Most notable, the one who had stolen their sight.

I wondered how Alec prevented his forces from being blinded as well. It hardly mattered though, as my projection was sent to the Volturi as well as the wolves. Many of them became disoriented by the double image. Almost all of them turned their backs on me, trying to orient their sight with mine. The wolves were used to seeing through one another's eyes. They took full advantage of the moment of hesitation to tear many pawns to shreds. Sam led Jared and Paul toward Alec, intending to neutralize his influence. The moment passed and the remaining Volturi returned to attacking my friends. All but one.

Jane was walking toward me now, sure-footed. She knew exactly where I was perched. I could hear Joe and Ruby now and cursed. They were too close, but I couldn't take the time to warm them. Sam's attack had broken Alec's concentration and without his usual guard to protect him, he ran. As soon as I saw the slight distortion his power created, I jumped from the tree. "Ruby! Joe!" I yelled without turning, "Go back! You can't come this way!" I prayed they'd obey me. I could give them no more help, no more warning. I was seized by searing pain. I screamed with it.

I heard a growl behind me and saw a pale gray wolf jump over me into Jane's sight. Everything was slightly blurred by my tears, but the pain was gone and I saw her shift her focus to the wolf.

I shifted mine to her. "Take some of your own, Bitch." I projected all the pain she had just laid on me. I heard a change in the sounds on the battle field, but I ignored these, all my intention on Jane. "And a little of mine, too." I added the longest and most painful of Joham's probes to the mix. The feeling of helplessness. I was within reach of Jane now; Joseph was whimpering on the ground, still held by her power.

She noticed my movement and brought her gaze back to me. But I was too close now. Even as I started to scream, I grabbed her arm and fed her pain back to her. This time I added the horrible wrenching I had felt upon breaking Jacob's heart, the fury of my ignorance. The sounds from the clearing shifted again. This time I heard howls more than screams.

The pain was abruptly gone and a new scream rose, Ruby's. I saw Jane move, but was too slow to stop her. Instead I crashed into Ruby, attempting to knock her from Jane's grasp. I only succeeded because Joseph lunged for her throat at the same time. I covered Ruby's body with my own, shielding her until Jane was dealt with. I pinned her wrists to the ground. She continued to scream and began to writhe beneath me.

"I'm burning!" she shrieked.

I looked over my shoulder to see Joe writhing once more under Jane's gaze. I pulled for Cubby. I projected Joe's need for help. There was a howl and Seth and Quil were on either side of Jane. Joe rose and the three pulled her apart in seconds.

I looked down at Ruby again. She was still screaming and the bite at her neck was obvious. Was it too late? I wondered. There was only one way to know. I put my mouth to the wound and sucked deeply. Venom burned my tongue and I spat it out. I bent to draw more. As I drank, I realized it was likely I would kill her even if I was able to draw out all the venom. Should I stop? Should I let her change into a vampire? I thought of Rosalie and knew I still had to try. I spat and realized she had stopped screaming and her eyes were closed. It was done. Either I had succeeded or she was dead. Now I needed to end the rest of this so I could get her help if she still lived.


	11. Chapter 11

I moved to Jane's remains and pulled the flint from my pocket. I struck sparks onto the pieces of her robe and watched them catch. I felt my pulse lurch. Was something wrong with me? I ignored it, projecting the fire to the wolves so they might begin to haul their opponents in my direction. I loped to where Aro's head lie. I staggered once along the way. I put a hand to my chest and felt how sluggish my heart had become. Its pace was barely 100 beats per minute. It was normally over 200. I grabbed the head and turned to make my way to the fire. I stumbled and fell, the head rolling away. I clutched my chest again. My pulse had slowed to one beat a second now. Normal for humans, but it was killing me.

I had swallowed some of the venom. My heart was stopping. I dropped to the ground and turned to my back. What would I become? Would I become anything? Would I simply die? I heard more howls as I thought this. I was still projecting. I hoped they wouldn't cease the fight for me. They could do so much good. Eliminate all of them you can, I thought, seeing black cloaks falling in my projection. My heart lurched one last time and stopped completely.

Then an odd thing happened. And for me, that's really saying something. I found myself looking down at my own body. A russet wolf and a pale gray wolf were on either side of me now. I looked to the battle field and was relieved to see the fighting, although lightening, had not halted completely. Several wolves had ceased attacking and were solely hauling pieces to the pyre. The purple smoke obscured the fallen bodies from me, but not completely. I saw fallen men; not vampires, Quileutes. I also saw immobile wolves. Those could not be dead yet, but many would be dead soon.

What had I done? Had I really thought this could be a fair trade? How could I have been so terminally stupid?

Jacob was human again and leaned over me. He kissed my lips. "No, Nessie," he whispered. "No, No, NO!" the last became a howl, such as I had heard only once before. I longed to comfort him.

Joseph also phased back to human. "Nessie?" He didn't seem to believe I wasn't answering. I could. I was dead, apparently. "You knew. You knew all along." He placed his lips to mine and I was tugged back into my body. My heart thrummed at its usual pace. I gasped for air. Joseph's kiss had somehow been able to restart my system.

My blood was filled with fire. "Cubby?" I said urgently but crackily. Joseph looked hurt, but I didn't have time to concern myself with that right now. "Take two with you and bring any supplies you find in Carlisle's office." He was still looking at me with shock. Joseph was agog. "Hurry!" I shouted, sitting up. "Otherwise we'll lose more!" I yelled when he still wasn't phasing.

I pulled my flask from my pocket once more. Cubby was in charge and should be giving the instructions, but I didn't want to waste time with a go between right now. I projected myself tying Ruby to Sam's back. Sam met me at Ruby's side. "She needs the hospital. Blood. Now." I pulled off my shirt and tore it in strips. I called for Jared and Paul to run with Sam. "No one goes alone. Some of the Volturi are still out there." Jared barked as he came to Sam's side and the three of them dashed into the trees, headed for Forks.

I ran to the first body I found. It was Quil. Jane had grazed him too. The bite wasn't deep and couldn't be old. I put my lips to his shoulder and drew deeply spitting the venom. Joseph finally moved. "Are you insane? That stuff killed you!"

I drew again, quickly reaching clean blood. Quil opened his eyes. "Phase back," I ordered and then turned on Joseph. "No, I didn't die. My heart stopped. If it does that again... do you know CPR? Get it started, looks like I'll be fine." As I spoke I ran my hands over Quil's limbs, checking for breaks. Only one, in his ankle. "Ready?" I asked him and he clenched his teeth nodding. I set the bone and put his hands on either side of the break. "Hold it steady and don't move. If you feel faint, shout. Should heal in an hour or two."

The least injured wolves continued to race through the clearing, hauling pieces of vampires to the pyre. "Joe," I asked him, not entirely calmly, "help them. We must burn every piece." I sent him an image of a vampire reassembling himself while I walked away. Joe headed in another direction. My heart lurched, but I paid it no mind.

Embry was lying in wolf form too. "Phase back," I whispered to him. He screamed as he did. He was in bad shape. Broken ribs and legs. I grabbed a cloak and wound it to put between his teeth. Then I set his legs. "Don't move. I can't do more until supplies arrive." He nodded and laid back.

I continued to move among the injured and the dead. Only three dead, thank god. I drew venom from two more before my heart stopped again. Once more, I was floating over my body as Joseph came to give me compressions. After twenty my heart picked itself up again. I fluttered my eyes. "Thank you," I whispered. "Where the hell is Jacob?" I moaned.

One of the wolves hauling came and phased for me. It was Brady. "He's sent Noah and Amos back on their own. Collin and Tim are headed to the house now."

I grunted. "Two isn't safe. How close are the supplies?" I sat up more slowly. My heart was still sluggish. I found another wolf that had been bitten. I bent to draw from another wound.

"Can't I do that?" Joseph asked. I quickly showed him that venom would kill him. It didn't seem to be quite as permanent in my case. He sighed and went back to hauling pieces.

I didn't like the look of this wolf's condition. Eli, I thought his name was. Especially in wolf form, it was hard for me to identify the new boys. He had been bitten too long ago. I drew four times before reaching clean blood. I'd left his blood supply desperately short. He lost consciousness and phased back. I grabbed a relatively clean cloak and tore it in pieces as well. My heart was lurching again. I might have done this one too many times today. I couldn't care. Three wolves came at my summons and I tied him to the back of the largest. "Straight to Forks. He needs a transfusion," I commanded. They took off as soon as Eli was secure.

Finally, the supplies had arrived. "Brady!" I called as I dug through the bag in Tim's jaws. I found what I needed, Adrenalin shot. "Next time my heart stops." I handed him the syringe and pictured him plunging it deep into my chest. "Right here. I pointed and the spot was easy to identify now that I wore only my bra. I found a vial and an empty syringe and filled it with Morphine. I returned to Embry and thrust the needle into his thigh. Then I sent images of the type of wood I would need for a splint while I taped up his chest. My heart stopped again before I had finished.

This time I didn't hover over my body. I felt like I was in a deep sleep and unable to move. I felt a pinch in my chest and then my blood raced once more. When I opened my eyes, Cubby was there. He was human again and his face drawn. He helped me sit up. "You shouldn't be doing that. What if we can't bring you around?" he complained.

"It would be no less than I deserve. I started this. I went for the mate and pieces were sacrificed in the exchange. I may be one of them. And that would be fine. I can't ask them to pay a price I'm not willing to pay myself." Even as I spoke I started splinting Embry's legs. "At least," I took a deep breath. "At least there aren't anymore bitten wolves. I don't think there are anyway. And with the possible exception of Eli, we won't lose any of those not already lost." I tried not to think about that. Remembering Caititi, the girl I had fed on in the Amazon, I knew I would have to tell their families that I had killed them. Assuming I survived myself.

Jacob moved with me now, handing me items as I needed, helping me lift friends that were too badly injured to rise themselves. We finally got the area cleared of all but the dead. Everyone was either at home and healthy, at home and healing, or at Emily and Sam's recuperating enough to be able to go home. Leaving only Eli and Ruby at the hospital in Forks.

I nearly collapsed when Cubby brought me into the house. Ruth was hovering over me instantly. "Nessie? What's wrong Nessie? Are you all right? Where's Ruby? She went to find you. Your phone wouldn't stop ringing."

"My phone!" I looked to Cubby. "Is it still here? Did she take it with her?"

"She took it with her. Didn't she find you?" Ruth was worried now.

"She found me, and a whole heap of trouble where I was. We ran into a cougar," I made up on the fly, "mauled a friend of ours really badly."

"Joseph?" Ruth asked.

I looked to Cubby for help. I was too exhausted to thread this whole thing on my own. "No, Eli. A friend of mine. He got torn up, but Ruby got swiped as well. She lost quite a bit of blood. They took her to the hospital in Forks. You should go to her." He was speaking quickly, hoping to drive Ruth out of the house I was sure.

"Ruby," she gasped and ran for the door.

"Here," Jacob called and tossed the keys to the Rabbit. "Let us know how she is."

I closed my eyes and noticed it was a lot darker when I opened them again. Cubby was snoring beside me. I put my head in his lap and tried to think clearly. Was I all right? Was my heart beating properly? I wasn't sure. The door to the house flew open banging into the wall behind it. Alice looked like a thunderhead.

"What?" Jacob started awake nearly spilling me to the floor.

"Why didn't you answer my calls!" Alice shrieked at me.

"Because I didn't have my phone," I moaned. My head felt like it had been run over and her voice was not helping - far too high. "Stupid rum," I moaned again. Cubby leaned my head into his chest and I sighed.

"Rest, Nessie. I'll answer her questions," he said soothingly to me. "She left her phone here so it wouldn't be ringing in the middle of the showdown. Thanks to you, her friend got worried and followed us out there." Cubby's voice was acidic.

"I couldn't see!" Alice shrieked. "I saw Alec and Renata and a few others back in Volterra. Where are the rest? What are they doing? Why can't I see them?"

I couldn't help it, I laughed. I laughed until I coughed. I laughed until my chest ached. My heart was definitely in bad shape, thanks to the venom. "They're dead!" I roared. "We killed them." I coughed again, much more violently and Alice came to my side. That's when I saw Emmett behind her.

"What is wrong, Nessie?" she asked concerned now.

"She's been sucking vampire venom, that's what's wrong." Jacob spat.

Alice's jaw dropped. "I had to. Jane bit Ruby. When I didn't die, I had to help as many wolves as I could..."

"You did die, Ness. Why don't you believe us when we tell you that?" Cubby argued.

"I didn't die. My heart stopped. And... then it restarted." I didn't want Cubby thinking about what had made it restart.

"She's died three times in the last four hours," Cubby informed them. "And she seems to think there's nothing wrong with that."

"Bella's girl all right," Alice muttered. Emmett was lifting me into his arms now. I struggled feebly.

"Put me down, Emmett," I moaned. "Where are you going to take me that's better than here?"

"To Carlisle," he said as though this were obvious.

"Are they here too?" I asked, hopeful. He might be able to help Ruby and Eli.

"They will be," Alice informed me. "They're on a plane right now. They'll be here in another hour. We only beat them because Emmett was willing to burn out the engine of the M3. Rosalie will forgive him though. It was a good cause."

"Good. I imagine the doctors in the ER are wondering why Eli is running a temperature when he doesn't show any infection."

"He's not coming for some stupid dog, Nessie," Emmett growled. Jacob growled too. "He's coming for you."

"He didn't know anything was wrong with me. Did he, Alice?" I looked at her now.

"No, but, he knew it was likely something had gone wrong."

"Well it did. And it was all my fault." I started to weep and my chest burned again. "Emmett, can I please sit on the couch again?"

He placed me next to Cubby and I leaned on him again. "I am so tired," I whined. "Here." I offered my hand to them. "See, and stop asking." Alice took my hand first and I rapidly replayed everything from the moment I bit Aro. Then I repeated it for Emmett while she stood shock still. "I'm going to sleep now. Wake me after Carlisle goes to the Forks hospital. Ask him to check on Ruby for me, will you, Cubby?"

"Of course I will." He carried me to my room and laid me on my bed. I was asleep again in no time.


	12. Chapter 12

Mama was standing beside my bed when I woke. She knelt over me as I moved; I hugged her tightly. "I'm so glad to see you," I said in all honesty.

"I'm very glad to see you too, Nessie. We were all very worried," her voice was soft. I noticed now the light coming through the window.

"Is Edward here? Cubby? Carlisle?" I asked in the order I wanted to see them.

"I'm here," Edward answered coming into the room. "Jacob," he said with emphasis, and I could tell he thought my name for him was silly. "Is with Eli's family." I nodded. I wondered if that meant Eli was back at home now, or if I had killed him too. "And Carlisle is at the hospital. Your friend Ruby seems to be doing well, but she will take longer to heal than Eli. She still hasn't woken." I could hear concern in his voice. I was concerned too; the longer she went without waking the less likely it was that she would.

"Did I take too much?" I asked instinctively, knowing Edward would be able to answer these questions.

"You didn't leave any venom, so it was enough." He was trying to calm me, and evading the question. "It was a lot, yes," he answered upon hearing my thought. "Other than lack of consciousness, she seems to be recovering. Carlisle tells us not to worry."

I sighed in relief. I felt a chest pain. I reacted with no more than a long blink. "And is Eli still in the hospital?" I asked now.

"No, he was released just a little while ago, thanks to Carlisle." Perfect. I knew the doctors in Forks would need Carlisle to reassure them that Eli was not infected and finally let him go home. That was the real reason I wanted Carlisle here. "He's here to see you, too," Edward answered my thought again.

I shrugged. "I figured he'd look me over. What did he say?" I was a little scared of the answer. Had I killed myself in truth?

"That you should be fine. There is still some venom polluting your system, but he expects that will pass by the end of the week. He thinks you will never be as strong or as fast as you once were. You did real damage to yourself, Nessie," he chided me. "But your life shouldn't be impaired by it."

I nodded happily. Being mortal was not a huge price to pay. Edward grabbed my hand. "Nessie, you don't have to pay any price."

I replayed myself taking Aro's head. "Yes, I do. I was the one arguing for peace, diplomacy, no hostility. I did this. Any hurt any of the wolves took was my fault. They were all following my plan flawlessly." I hung my head, thinking of the dead. Had Cubby already visited them?

"He is going there today," Edward answered me again.

"Then I need to get dressed." I rose and started pulling off my cargo pants. I had never put on a new shirt.

"You get back in that bed, young lady." My mother had her hands on her hips.

"No, Mama. I have to be there. It's my fault their sons are dead. I have to be the one to tell them." I found a black skirt and deep burgundy blouse from my 'Alice' collection. I started to brush my hair. Mama took the brush from me.

"We're very proud of you," she told me, taking long slow strokes.

"Thank you, Mama."

I got directions from Billy and went to Eli's house. Cubby was just coming out. "Hey, they're on their way to the hospital to pick him up. He's going to be fine. How are you?" He put an arm around me as though to support my weight. Did I look frail?

"That's good," I said with obvious relief. "I'll be fine. We should get this over with, before their mothers lose any more sleep." I took his hand and squeezed.

"You don't have to do this," he assured me. "I'm the Alpha; they were my responsibility." I could hear the weight in his voice. It sounded like mine.

"But you didn't decide to pick this fight. That was my choice." I stopped him, making him look at me. "I put their lives on the line, not you," I argued.

"Fine, come with me," he relented.

I sat hard on the steps of Zach's house. This was third visit. It wasn't even noon yet. I put my head in my hands and sniffled. Cubby sat beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. "I know," was all he said. His voice was quiet and I could hear unshed tears in it.

We sat for five minutes, sharing our grief. Three boys, not even men, the oldest was only nineteen, had given their lives to protect me. What could I give them in return? A world with less Volturi influence. I didn't think that would count for much with werewolves.

Cubby had the answer. "Hey, remember, they died doing what they love. Killing stinking bloodsuckers." His smile was only slightly forced now.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Can I take one of the bikes and go to the hospital? I want to see Ruby for myself."

"You ridden one by yourself yet? Why don't I drive you in the Rabbit?" he offered. "Oh, assuming Ruth is back... You can ride with me on one of the bikes," he suggested next.

"Whatever," I answered hollowly. I didn't care how I got there.

Ruth was back when we got to the house. I could hear her crying inside. I didn't make it past the first step. "I can't go in there, Cubby. I can't face her right now. I can't do this again so soon."

"Yeah, hop in the car, I'll go get the keys."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Cubby asked as he pulled into the hospital's visitor parking.

"No. I don't know how long I'll be. You should get back to Sam's; check on the boys. Get Daddy to take a look at anyone who isn't on his feet yet. Embry for certain. I don't know how well I taped those ribs."

"Yes, Nurse 'Nesmee," he said in a snide tone, then kissed my forehead. "Call Edward when you need a pick up."

"I will, thanks." I kissed his lips now. It wasn't as white as I remembered. My grief must have been clouding it. He seemed to understand and put a hand to my neck, pulling me in closer. I crushed my lips to his now, tears leaking from my eyes again. I clung to his neck, my sobs breaking the kiss. I hadn't let myself really go like this. The guilt had stayed so cerebral. My chest lurched with the pain of my heart and it's beat slugged.

Cubby heard that. "Shhh. Take it easy, Nessie. I don't have to go. I'm always here for you." He held my cheeks between his hands now.

"I know you are, Cubby. I need you to be there for them now. I love you so very much." I turned my head to kiss his wrist and then twisted to open the door.

In Ruby's room, I sat at her bedside. I listened to the monitors beep. I listened to the IV drip. She looked so pale. I _had_ taken too much blood. But it was either that or let her become what my parents were. If there was a chance she could live as she had, I had to give it to her. I squeezed her free hand and pulled a book from my bag. It was one we were reading for english class, Great Expectations. Not exactly light-hearted, but I started at the beginning, reading aloud.

I'd gotten to chapter four when I heard the door open. I looked up to see Joseph carrying a vase of flowers. I dropped the book and ran to hug him. I slammed him into the door he had just closed. He shuffled with me still in his arms toward a table where he could set the vase down. Then he hugged me back. "I'm so glad you're all right, Nessie," he whispered into my hair.

I backed up a little. "And you? Are you all right? Have you talked to the pack?" I had so many questions. I didn't hold them in this time. I started flooding them through his arm. The pale gray wolf, almost ghostly. The growth spurts. Jacob's wolf. Vampires. Their cold hard skin. The burning pyre. He stiffened and I stopped projecting.

"That is sooo strange," he muttered.

"Yeah, I'm a freak. What can I say?" I half-chuckled.

"How do you do that?" he asked.

I tried to show him how I shone myself through part of my brain. "I don't really know _how_ I do it. It's something I've always been able to do. My father can read minds and my mother has a shield that stops him from doing so. Jane, the one who hurt me, could do that. How do any of us do what we do?"

He nodded, comprehending. "No offense, but, _what_ are you? I'm sorry. It's ridiculous. I barely know what I am..."

"No, it's a good question." I pulled out my locket. "These are my parents. Edward and Bella Cullen."

He looked at the tiny photo. Even in this it was obvious, now that he had seen vampires, what they were. "How?" he asked.

"Mama was human when she had me. She nearly died. Edward changed her into one of his kind, but she had chosen that for herself before I came along. Ruby didn't get to make that choice. I couldn't let her become one of them, not if I could stop it. I wish I could have stopped you becoming what you are. I think, maybe, if you and she hadn't come, you wouldn't have." I looked up at him through my lashes, apologetic.

"What I am," he said quietly. My chest lurched, and I clutched at it. Joe moved me back to the chair. "Still not better?" he frowned.

"Better, just not one hundred percent yet. Grandfather figures the last of the venom should pass from my system this week."

"Your grandfather is..."

I nodded. "Also a vampire. The oldest in my family. He is also a doctor. He worked here in Forks for several years before leaving this past fall."

"How? How could he-?"

"Centuries of practice. He doesn't react to human blood anymore. He's been teaching me Medicine. That's how I was able to help so many yesterday." I smiled, thinking about Carlisle.

"It's going to take me a while to get used to all this," he said shaking his head and squatting to meet my eyes.

"Doesn't seem so strange to me, but I was born into it." I fingered my locket again, looking at the picture again.

"So, you and Jacob. Is that..." he couldn't quite form his question.

"That's a wolf thing. Imprinting," I took his hand again and showed him the first moment I looked into Jacob's eyes. I showed him the feeling of pulling I experienced inside Bella's womb.

His brow creased and he started to pull away. I didn't let go of his hand but stopped projecting. "I'm sorry."

"I should probably be used to it. Did you know, before the growth spurts?" he asked.

"I don't know how, but yes, I did. I felt something the first time I touched you." I stroked his throat, remembering with a giggle. "But it wasn't until I shook your hand the next day that I knew what it was. Even then, I couldn't understand it. The shape-shifting, it's a genetic thing. I could have looked at a blood sample and known you could become a werewolf, but how could I know from touching you?"

"And imprinting," he asked, leaning closer. "That only works after I start changing right. I couldn't imprint on you before."

I put a hand to his chest to stop him coming nearer, but he kissed me anyway. It was gentle and then grew deeper. His hand left mine and cupped my cheek, the other combing through my hair. "I love you, Nessie," he whispered between kisses.

"I love you too, Joseph." And it was true. It was different from how I loved Jacob, but no less strong. "But you said it before, this is wrong." He backed away slightly, hurt. "I'm sorry. I belong to Jacob. I didn't choose him at first, but I have now. As much as I love you, I belong with him."

I threw my head back and thumped the wall. "Now I know how Mama felt."

He cocked an eyebrow. I took his hand again and replayed a conversation from the start of term. Having two men offer me their lives. "That's what happened to Mama. She loved Jacob too. She told me it was like ripping herself apart to make that choice." I felt my tears.

"Don't cry, Nessie. We can work something out."

I shook my head. "I don't think we can."

I heard a change in the monitors and pushed Joseph away to stand up. Ruby's eyes were fluttering. "Oh thank god," I murmured. "Ruby, can you hear me?" I put a hand to her head. Her skin was clammy.

"Nessie?" She squinted. "What happened to me?"

"You were hurt. You were attacked by an animal, but we got you to the hospital in time." I took Joseph's hand and fed him the cover story.

"Who?" She looked over me to Joe. He didn't move.

"Joseph. He was lucky. He and I weren't caught in the attack."

"Where's Mom?" she asked.

"Back at the house with Billy. She was here a while ago. Let me call and let her know you're awake." I stepped around Joe who still hadn't taken his eyes off Ruby. I paused and squeezed his hand, sending the image of Jacob staring so intently at me. He started with a gasp. I went into the hall to make my call.

"Edward? Is Jacob with you?"


	13. Chapter 13

After having a nice conversation on the phone with Cubby, reiterating just how much he meant to me, I asked him to come pick me up. Then I called Billy and asked for Ruth.

"Ruth? Great news! Ruby just woke up. She seems fine."

"I'm on my way," was all she said.

Emmett drove her in the crippled M3. It was terrible to smell the oil burning as it pulled up. Rosalie's poor pretty car. I gave Ruth a quick hug as she passed me. Emmett sat with me on the hood. "Jake's coming to get you?" he confirmed.

"Yep. You going to face the music soon?" I asked looking back at the car.

He chuckled. "Not for as long as I can help it."

"I love you, Uncle Em." I hugged him. "Thanks for coming."

"Anytime, Nessie. Jas and Rose are on their way now. At a 'normal' speed." He made airquotes.

"So that's, what, 120 miles an hour?" I smiled.

"Yeah, 'bout that," he chuckled. "You know I'm totally pissed at you, right?" His voice was still jocular and I was confused. "You took out the bloody Volturi and didn't invite me? I could kick your ass!"

I laughed out loud now and it hurt my chest. "Don't make me laugh like that," I chastised him, slapping his arm. "If I'd known I would have left Aro himself for you."

"I still can't believe you took out Aro. You. My niece." He beamed with pride. "And Jane. That little witch. You are a wonder, Nessie. You know that?" He pushed my hair behind my ear.

"Not any more," I reminded him patting my chest. "Not much more than human these days."

He poked my forehead. "Way more than human," he told me.

I smiled slyly. "I bet I make Vlad and Stephan's Christmas card list."

The rabbit was full. "How am I supposed to go home when you bring a full load, Cubby?" I complained. It wasn't serious though. I hugged Claire and Quil. "What brings you two?" I asked.

"I wanted to see Ruby. Quil said he'd come with me," Claire explained.

"I'm sure she'll be happy to see you both. Just don't stay long, she needs to rest."

"We won't," she pulled Quil to the automatic doors.

Cubby came to my other side and leaned on the M3 as well. Edward kissed my cheek. "I'm going to talk to Carlisle. I'll be right back."

"Any trouble?" I asked Cubby as I followed my father with my eyes.

"Not really. He just wants to borrow some meds for Embry. He's got an infection in one of his legs."

"Oh," I muttered.

"Nothing serious, he says," his voice trailed as he saw Joe exiting the hospital. "Hey, pup, come here." Jacob waved him over to us.

"Yeah?" he asked cautiously.

"Good work. I'd have lost Ness if not for you." He put out his hand. Joseph eased up and took it. "Just no more mouth to mouth," he warned, squeezing harder.

"No promises," Joseph teased and Emmett roared.

"Joe, this is my uncle Emmett. Emmett this Joe, my school friend and newest pack member." Emmett just waved, knowing a new wolf wouldn't want to be any closer to him than he already was.

"Um, Nessie?" Joseph began. "There's something I need to talk to you about. I - "

"You imprinted on Ruby," I finished for him.

He rolled his eyes. "You're just too damn smart; you know that, right?"

"Yeah. It's really annoying isn't it? Try having a mindreader and fortune teller in the family. I'm nothing compared to them."

Emmett guffawed and Jacob chuckled, both in total agreement.

"This isn't the first time imprinting has solved this problem, you should know." I looked meaningfully at Cubby. "Jacob here used to be in love with my Mama. Then he imprinted on me. Now they're back to being the best of friends. I hope it goes that well for us. I'm sure it will."

I stood up to hug him. "I still love you," he promised me.

"And I still love you." I said backing up enough to kiss him. "That's the best part!"

I took up my bat knowing I was going to strike out, but needing to try anyway. Ruby stood behind Rose, who was catching. Alice prepared her pitch. Being Alice, she didn't give me any warning the ball was coming. Unlike Emmett, she didn't try to fastball me. Her curve was wicked, but I could see it coming. I hadn't had a chest pain in two weeks. If I was going to be able to do this, ever again, it would be now. I swung as fast as I could as the lightning crashed overhead. The familiar sting in my arm told me I had connected. Cubby was running for home even as I burst for first.

Edward dashed through the trees to catch my hit. He threw it hard to Emmett at second, but I plowed into him, sliding.

"Safe!" Ruby declared. Claire to one side concurred.

I looked to Mama on third. Could I make that? I was so glad Edward played outfield, you couldn't steal bases with him here. Quil was up next. His pop flew high and Alice jumped to catch it before it made it to Edward. I ran as soon as I heard the crack and slid into Mama. Alice had thrown the ball as soon as she caught it, seeing I was going to try for third, but she didn't make it in time. "Out," Ruby told Quil. "Safe," she told me. Mama giggled.

Joseph took bat next. "Hey batter batter batter," Jasper taunted from first.

"No fair, taunting the puppy. We lose the uniform, it's your fault," Cubby told him.

Alice slid a curve under Joe's bat. "Strike one," Ruby told him.

He pouted at her. "No smooching the Ump!" Emmett yelled from second.

"Screw you," Joe shouted back and prepared for the next pitch. It was a fast ball, but Joe connected this time and sent Edward running for the trees again. I ran for home sliding under Rosalie as I saw the ball streaking toward us.

"Safe!" Ruby was jubilant. She called fair, but she really was cheering for the wolves. Unfortunately, Joe tried to take second and Emmett tagged him. Three outs.

"This is totally _awesome_," Ruby commented as I moved to catcher. I was using a mitt, no sense risking hurting myself.

"This is weird," Alice said as she took the plate. "I always pitch." She crouched into her stance.

"I just think you're all mean making the wolves take a further disadvantage by putting me on their team."

"You're not a disadvantage; you're their tactician." She winked at me, and I laughed.

Embry, now fully healed, wound up and sent a fastball at her. She connected and Cubby ran in the outfield.

* * *

"Nessie? Can we talk for a minute?"

I stopped pulling my fingers through my hair and turned to Cubby. "Always. What is it?" I asked, taking a seat next to him on the couch.

"Oddly enough, this again," he brushed my cheek. It still made me very happy but didn't set my heart racing.

"Yes?" I asked. Still not sure what he was getting at.

"When Joseph does this," now he kissed me, slowly, "he gets a completely different reaction. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does."

I kissed Jacob again. "Yes. This is better." I kissed him one more. He pushed me back slightly, one hand on my chest. I didn't understand.

"Why?" he asked. "What is better about it?" His forehead was creased and his expression slightly pained.

That was difficult to explain. I wondered if I could put it into images and took his hand in case that came to me first. When Joseph kissed me, or when Nahuel had kissed me, I didn't feel as though I was in control. It was like some part of my body had taken over my brain. I loved my brain. It was my strongest feature. I didn't like things that messed with it. I was glad Joe saved his kisses for Ruby now - except for the light pecks that made me feel warm and fuzzy, not light-headed and heart-sore. "Did any of that come through?" I asked.

"Not really. It was confusing. You like your brain? What does that have to do with anything?" He was getting impatient. I needed to find a way to say this.

"I- I'm not ready for the way 'those' kisses make me feel. I mean, they feel good, I'm not going to deny that." Cubby growled. "But your kisses fit. They're the way I really feel, and the way I'm ready to feel. Does _that_ make sense?"

"A little more," he said grudgingly.

"Is it hard? Waiting for me?" I asked. I knew he was ready for those feelings even if I wasn't.

He groaned now. "Only when I see other boys, men, able to give you those feelings when I can't."

"I try not to let them." I wasn't helping though. "I could try. I mean... I could be what _you_ need me to be instead of the other way around, for once." A traced a hand down his chest the way I'd seen Ruby do to Joe. I tried to kiss him the way they did, parting my lips for him. He pushed me away again.

"That's not it," he groaned again.

I felt tears sting my eyes. "Then what do you want me to do?"

"Not to cry, for one." He was angry now. "Do you know how impotent this makes me feel?"

Impotent? Did he mean that the way I thought he meant it? I took his hand trying to show it. He growled harder and snatched his hand away. But, just because I didn't want him that way now- "I know I do want you, Jacob. You are my everything. I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you want me to." My tears didn't cloud my voice, but they course my cheeks.

He growled again. "I gotta go. I have patrol."

"All right." I hung my head.

"Listen, I'm not mad at you, Okay?" he said softly. "I'm mad at me. So don't blame yourself." I just nodded, not willing to meet his eyes.

Ruth found me on the couch when she came to visit Billy. "What's the matter, Ness?"

"I- I don't know." I put my head in my hands and felt the tears still on my cheeks.

"Come here," she offered and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sure you'll find a way. You are good at that."

"I hope I do," I said. But there was very little hope in me.

It had been months since the Volturi battle. Summer had come and Ruby and Ruth were able to move back into their house. Not long after, I had another birthday and entered the tenth grade. Things between Cubby and I never returned to normal. He didn't really touch me anymore. He never hugged or kissed me. We stopped double dating with Claire and Quil. He even went so far as to stop inviting me to Sam and Emily's. I simply invited myself.

Emily was one of many women on the Res expecting that fall. Billy claimed it was a side effect of my Solstice dance, but I refused to believe him. Emily's pregnancy was complication free, and we expected I'd be able to deliver the baby when the time came.

I tried talking to Ruby. "I don't understand what he wants from me. He acts like things are normal, but he touches me less than Joe, and Joe's _your_ imprint."

"I thought this worked so that he was what you wanted, not you being what he wants," she argued correctly.

"Yeah, it is." I lay back on her bed and felt the tears in my eyes. I took her hand and replayed our conversation, hoping she might be able to make some sense of it.

"So, you want his kisses the way they are and he wants them the way... No offense, Nessie, but _I _don't like thinking about Joseph kissing you either."

I groaned and sent her a picture of Nahuel. I remembered his kisses and touches. "That better? His name is Nahuel. He's Brazilian."

"Yeah, that's better, thanks." She smiled. "I don't know what to tell you though. It seems to me to be some sort of an impasse. Why don't you want his kisses to be like that one?"

I tried sending the images again. How those kisses bypassed my brain. How helpless I felt in them. I wasn't acting anymore, I was reacting. I didn't trust myself then.

She just shook her head. "Sorry, Nessie, that didn't make sense." I covered my eyes and sniffed.

"Well, he doesn't hate me, and he doesn't avoid me. I'll just live with it a little longer." I dragged myself off her bed and walked to the Black house. I got to the door and packed a bag, calling Emily at the same time. "Hey, Emily? You're getting pretty close to your delivery. Do you think I might be able to stay at your place until you do? I'd hate to miss it. I'll bring a sleeping bag. I don't need a bed or room or anything."

"Oh, that's a good idea. You can help me set up the nursery!" She sounded pleased. Was she nesting? She was closer than I had thought.

"All right, I'm coming over right away. See you soon." I slung my duffel and went to say goodbye to Billy. Jacob was out.

"Billy? You got a minute?" I asked from the doorway of his room.

"What's up, Ness?" he asked, looking at the bags I was carrying.

"I'm going to stay with Emily and help her with the baby. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you letting me stay here so long."

"You make it sound like you aren't coming back."

"Good-bye, Billy," I said, evading him.

He rolled up and grabbed my hand. "Is this about Jacob? Has he said or done something?"

I shook my head and felt my tears again. "It's not what he's done. It's what he isn't doing." I turned back to Billy and showed him our exchanges from the past week.

"I don't understand," he admitted.

I showed him our exchanges the week before the Volturi came including me sleeping in his nest on the couch, holding his hand, and kissing him. None of that existed in the current version.

"Oh," was all Billy could say.

"Yeah. I don't want him to feel awkward having me here. I can camp at Sam and Emily's until the baby comes and then I'll see if Ruth and Ruby will take me. You've been a great roommate, host, Dad." I hugged Billy.

"Do you need _your_ Dad?" he asked.

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm not going anywhere until Emily delivers. Maybe after that, I will go to Dartmouth. I can pass for an accelerated student now." I looked fifteen or sixteen. The right clothes and a little makeup and I could pass for eighteen easily. "We'll see what comes. I wouldn't mind 'finishing' high school," I complained, rolling my eyes.

Billy laughed at me. There was a knock on the door and Ruth let herself in. "Oh, Nessie. Are you going somewhere?" she asked, eying my bags

"Yep. I'm going to stay with Sam and Emily Uley. She's expecting and I'm her midwife." I smiled broadly, focusing on the good parts.

"Well, good luck. I hope her birth is as smooth as both of mine," she said with a smile. Then she bent and kissed Billy. It was the first time they'd done that in front of me.

I smiled happily at both of them. Again, not as good as watching my parents kiss, but close. Then my heart hurt again, thinking of Cubby. "I'll see you guys later."

I set myself up on the floor of the soon-to-be Nursery. The walls were taped and ready to be painted. I pulled out a stained shirt and picked up a brush. No time like the present.

"You don't have to do that. You just got here," Emily complained. She was huge. I was starting to wonder if it was one big baby or twins.

"May I?" I asked, putting my clean hand over her belly.

"Of course," she said with a smile. I closed my eyes and focused my hearing and the sensitivity of my fingers as I did. I ran my hand over the whole of her womb. I could only sense one pulse, one set of limbs. One big baby then. He kicked me.

"Hey, keep it down in there," I told him. "You don't have enough room to be doing that." He had already turned, his feet up under Emily's ribs. "How are you feeling?" I asked her now.

"Aside from big as a house?" she said with a smile. "Fine. Tired. It's hard to sleep."

"I'll bet," I agreed, thinking how difficult it would be to find a comfortable way to lay in her condition. "You try sleeping _on_ Sam? He can take it," I teased.

She laughed. "I hadn't. How would you suggest?"

I led her to her room, after washing my hands, and sat with my back to her headboard. "Come here." I settled her between my splayed legs and shifted her down until her head was on my breast. "How's that?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair.

"Mmmm. Your chest is softer than Sam's though."

I laughed loudly. "It had better be! Want to sleep on me for now?" I asked, still stroking her hair. "I can move when Sam takes my place."

"Sure," she said with a little sigh.

It felt nice to be touched. I rested my head on top of Emily's and closed my eyes as well.

I woke with Sam beside us. I giggled quietly. He was snoring. Emily's weight lifted from me. I helped her up and walked her to the bathroom. The clock showed two AM. "That is the best sleep I've had in weeks," she said to me through the door of the bathroom. "Thank you, Nessie."

"No problem. I'm glad I could help." She stepped back through the door. "Are you going to move Sam into my place?"

"No, I think I'm going to do some baking. I feel awake now."

I laughed at her. "Well, I'm going to hit my bag for another hour or I'll be snoring in Math class. That's always embarrassing."

"Sleep well," she wished me, heading down the stairs.

A few days later, Ruby was especially chipper in class. "Heya, Nessie! What's up?"

"Um, clouds?" I offered. She sneered at me. "What did Ruth put in your cheerios this morning? Actual cheer?" I asked.

"Joe gave me something," she pulled back her sleeve to show me her _WeiHa_.

"Oh my! I'm so happy for you." My smile was genuine. This was great for her and Joseph. As soon as I had her in my hug, it fell. What had happened to my Cubby? I put the smile back before she backed away. "So, tell me about it. Was Ruth there? Or at his place?" I knew a little more about how these things were done now. Families, like they were in my case, were often present.

"Ruth and Billy. I couldn't have asked for better witnesses; except maybe you. Where were you? Mom said you'd gone to the Uley house?"

"Yeah. I'm midwife for Emily. She's one of the many I made 'fertile' in Billy's opinion." I rolled my eyes with skepticism.

Ruby laughed. "Sounds plausible to me. Just don't do it this year, Joe and I might be - "

"Whoa! What?" This was new information. "Have you been holding back on me?" I asked with a stupid grin on my face.

"No, just thinking ahead." She blushed furiously.

I laughed and hugged her again. "I'm so happy for both of you."

I ran back to the Uley house after class. I wanted to be there for Emily. She was painting the nursery again. "You shouldn't be doing that," I chided. "The exercise is good, but the fumes are not." I took the brush from her and pointed for the door. "Go clean something," I said with a huge smile.

"Yes, Nurse," she said teasingly. The room nearly had a complete second coat. I put the last touches on and came down to find Emily trying to lie comfortably on the couch.

"Want to take a nap?" I asked. "I'm the living pillow if you need." I opened my arms wide and she came and grabbed one.

"You are too good," she murmured, pulling me to her room again.

This time, I brought a book with me and read while she slept. I heard someone let themselves in downstairs.

"Sam? Emily?" It was Claire. She'd find us soon enough.

She peeked in the door. "Oh, she's sleeping," she whispered and moved to go.

"No," I called. "Come in." I patted the bed next to me. "We'll just whisper," I told her with a tiny giggle.

Claire hopped onto the bed next to me and put her head on my shoulder too. I sent her a picture of me much rounder and fluffier. She giggled.

"You can't help but be comfy, can you?" she asked.

For some reason it hurt. Without thinking, I sent an image of cuddling with Jacob and let the sun rise and set many times to show her how long ago it had been.

She sat up. "What?" she asked confused. "You don't..."

I felt tears in my eyes; she had understood. Claire often could better than most. Emily woke up now. I wondered if my projection had reached her too. "Jacob isn't touching you anymore?" she asked me.

I shook my head, unable to speak. "We had a fight." I took both their hands and tried to show them both the conversation at the same time. It worked; it didn't always.

"Oh, Nessie," Emily cooed, patting my cheek.

"I don't understand," Claire complained. "Quil doesn't have that problem with me."

"What's it like when he kisses you now?" I asked. She was nearing puberty.

"Like your kisses with Jacob. White. Perfect."

Emily shook her head. "Mine were never like that," she said with a little blush.

"Of course they weren't," I said, stroking her hair again. "But I'm not ready for them to be like yours, yet. I didn't think that was a problem." I felt a tear fall to Emily's hair.

"Oh!" she said suddenly. "I think I need to get up." She swung her legs over the bed and shuffled to the bathroom.

She came back a moment later. "That was odd. I was sure I needed to go, but nothing happened."

"When was the last time you went?" I asked her, going into midwife mode.

"An hour ago."

"All right. It might have been a contraction," I warned her. "But if they're an hour apart you have a long way to go. Might not even be a real one."

"Really?" she asked, hopeful.

"Really." I beamed at her. "You might be having your baby tomorrow."

She sighed and sat on the bed again. Claire hugged her. "I'm so happy for you," she gushed.

It was a real contraction, and a really long night. Sam was beside himself looking for things to do. I gave him the classic chore. "Go boil some water. Then, when it has cooled, put a cloth in it and bring it to me."

He burst out of the room. "What's the cloth for?" Emily asked between contractions.

"To wash the baby when it's born," I answered.

"Why does it need to boiling water?"

"To keep Sam busy longer," I answered with a smile.

Emily would have laughed if another contraction hadn't taken her then.

The birth went as smoothly as I could have hoped. The boy was huge! I was sure she was going to tear worse than she had. I was prepared with Novocain from Carlisle's supply and was able to stitch up the worst tears. Sam and Emily hovered over Levi while I worked. They carefully cleaned every inch of him, kissing over him, kissing him. I couldn't help but smile watching them.

"Well, if you don't need more of me tonight, I'm going to catch some sleep. I think you'll want to keep him here tonight?" I suggested, nodding to the bassinet in the corner.

"Yes. Thank you so much, Nessie." Emily smiled at me.

I kissed Levi on the forehead and left the new family to themselves.


	14. Chapter 14

Jacob found me at lunch the next day I was at school. "Hey, where'd you go?" he asked.

"What do you mean? I'm right here. Same school, same black hair." What did he want from me?

"I mean why'd you move out?" he asked. He stood close but still didn't touch me.

"Levi was born night before last. I'm sure you heard."

He nodded.

"So I've been at the Uley's." I explained. This should have been obvious.

"Oh. You took a lot of your stuff with you." His voice was a little gruff.

"Well, I didn't know how long it would be. Could have been weeks instead of days." I wasn't telling him the whole truth. I didn't want to have this fight again.

"So, you'll be home tonight, then?" he asked a little hopefully.

"Should I?" I asked. "Are you sure you want me to?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. Maybe for the same reason you haven't touched me in months," I said, more than a little exasperated with him.

"You don't want me to touch you," he said snidely.

I slapped him, and sent just how much I did want that through the palm of my hand. It wasn't hard slap, he didn't even really twitch, just hardened his jaw. "What do you know?" I spat and turned to leave.

I took my bags with me to Ruby's house. Ruth let me in. "I think she's in her room," she informed me. I opened the door and stepped inside. Joe was half atop Ruth and his hand was under her shirt. They were kissing.

I stepped back quickly and closed the door. I put my back to it. "Sorry about that," I yelled through the door. "Ruth let me in. She didn't mention Joe was over." Ruth chuckled at me. I shook my head at her. "You let her do that?" I mouthed.

She grinned widely and nodded. I shook my head again.

"It's Ok. Come in, Ness," Ruby called now. They were sitting side-by-side on the edge of her bed. They were both blushing furiously.

"Well. I came over for some girl talk, but I see a non-girl here. Maybe I should just come back later," I suggested with a huge grin.

"Aw, don't go, Ness," Joe whined taking my hand. He slipped a hand around my waist and stood to give me a hug. It shouldn't have but it made me burst into tears.

"Jacob?" Ruby asked and I nodded into Joe's chest.

"Is he still on that? He refuses to patrol with me anymore. I think he's worried he'll take a swipe at me or something."

"He's not that mad at you, is he?" I asked. "How mad is he at me? Do the others mention it?" I was getting information through the pack. Cubby was going to pay for this.

"Not being mad at you. He was super worried when you moved to the Uley's, though. You still mean everything to him. You know that right?"

I wept more furiously. I did know that. And he meant everything to me. That's why this was awful. I didn't know what to do. "Should I go back to the Black's? If I pretend nothing's wrong, won't it just stay that way?" I asked them.

"Maybe," Ruby said. "But maybe, now that he knows how close you are to leaving, he'll make another effort. Being in the house would give him that chance."

I nodded, mute. Joseph kissed me lightly. It still sent sparks. "You'll work things out. You two can't live without one another." I nodded again. All this was true. I was just so very afraid.

So I took my things back to the Black house. Billy was thrilled to see me. "Ness! You're back!"

I smiled broadly at him. "What can I say? You're a charmer." I kissed his cheek. "Is Cubby home?"

"Nope. Don't imagine we'll see him before dark."

I nodded and went to unpack.

Things didn't change. Fall turned to winter and winter to spring. I danced again at the Solstice festival, but my mind was too clouded to make the vision appear. Jacob continued to keep his distance. My family noticed the change in my calls and letters. Mama called me on it at one point.

"What is going on, Nessie? You haven't said anything specific, so we have nothing to go on, but something is wrong."

"Nothing is _wrong__."_ I emphasized the word. "Just something that isn't quite right anymore." I didn't say anything else for a little while.

"Yes?" she prompted.

"Is Dad there? Can he hear me?" I asked.

"No, he's out with Jasper, why?"

"It's Jacob. You know how we were pretty much inseparable. Well somehow we separated. I think Edward might flip if he heard the reason, or some of my attempts to remedy it."

"I might too, you know," she warned.

"Yeah, but you'll come back down," I said with a sly smile. "It's not that bad. Not really. He – He got really jealous about how Joseph could make me feel. You know, all hot and bothered. His kisses don't make me feel that way. His kisses are perfect, but obviously he doesn't think so. And now he won't kiss or touch me at all."

"So what did you do, that Edward wouldn't be happy with?" She hadn't missed that part earlier.

"I offered to do anything he wanted with him. He turned me down, but I offered. Edward wouldn't like that."

"I don't like that either. You need to be yourself, always." Mama reminded me.

"Yeah. And I have a brain in my head that doesn't need to be scrambled by stupid hormones I can't control. I tried to show Jacob that, but he didn't understand. I tried moving out, helping Emily with Levi, and he asked me to move back in. But things aren't getting better," I whimpered a little. "I don't know what to do, Mama."

"It sounds like you're doing all you can. When do you expect Jacob home?" she asked.

"You can't, Mama." I told her, realizing she meant to talk to him herself. "He's mad at himself; he told me so. You'll just make him feel worse. I wish you could help." My brain clicked. "Edward."

"What? He's still not here."

"No, Edward could talk to him. That would be different from you talking to him. Maybe he can shame Jacob into doing something... Maybe he could go all over-protective. Remind him just how much Cubby's kisses piss him off. Maybe that would make him realize they _do_ mean something."

I thought a little longer and sighed. "That's just manipulative. I feel terrible considering such things. It would work, but that's not the point." I hung my head. "Look, tell everyone I'm fine. I'll maybe go talk to Rose and Emmett or something. I haven't been to see them in weeks."

"If you're sure." Mama sounded anything but sure.

"I am. Thanks for listening."

Taking my own advice I made plans to start spending the weekends in my family's big white house. Rosalie and Emmett knew I was coming. Apparently the when wasn't always clear.

I walked through the front door to find them on the stairs.

"Taking advantage of the _whole_ house?" I asked, not bothering to blush. "You break Esme's bed? Because you know you're grounded if she finds out."

Emmett growled at me. I guessed he wanted to finish. "Whatever." I shrugged, turning on the television and plopping on the couch.

I found a history program on ancient Egypt. That wasn't something I'd studied at all yet. Emmett was barely a second behind me. I never understood how he could get his pants on and off so fast. "You could at least _try_ to be embarrassed."

I snorted. "Why? You're not," I answered truthfully. He laughed.

Rosalie sat on the couch beside me. "Are you all right Nessie? You've been spending a lot of weekends out here. Not that we don't love having you, but don't you have friends you'd rather be with?"

"Well, my standing double dates got stood up back in the fall, so no, not really." I turned the TV off again, not interested any longer.

"Want me to rearrange his face?" Emmett offered.

"Last I checked, if that's what I wanted, I could do it," I reminded him. "It's more fun that way, anyway," I said with a smile. "Just distract me, please!"

No one can do distraction like Emmett. The stupid things he suggested doing. Nicky nicky nine doors? Come on, for a vampire that is hardly challenging. Streaking was fun. I did that through Port Angeles' shopping district. Grandpa would kill me if he found out. Of course, he didn't. Cliff diving was my suggestion not his. It wasn't as much fun without Jacob, but still a decent rush.

Rosalie left us to it for the most part. She was busy building herself a new car. Well, shopping for parts for her new car. One weekend she took me shopping in Olympia. Only because she didn't want me back in Port Angeles so soon. I couldn't argue.

"Alice therapy," she told me. "Doesn't work, but it's a time killer." She led me through an artsy district with some nice vintage shops. I found some interesting pieces that wouldn't look out of place on the res. We also stepped through a few art galleries and I picked up a watercolor for my room. It reminded me of the Amazon.

"Thanks," I told them both from the porch. "I'll try to let you have next weekend to yourselves," I smiled.

"Don't worry about that, Nessie," Rosalie assured me. "We're here if you need us. We have five days out of seven for that stuff. And it keeps Emmett from doing too much damage if you come back regularly."

I doubted that but appreciated the sentiment. "All right. I'll call and let you know. I hope to have plans next weekend so I can stop being quite so pathetic."

Emmett hugged me tightly, "You are not pathetic. But that dog is going to be if he doesn't start treating you right."

The days grew warmer and summer neared. Mama and Edward were coming to visit during the semester break. It was nice to go to the cottage again after class and visit with them. When classes ended I packed up a few bags and moved back to the cottage. I noticed a russet wolf lingering outside, but I ignored him.

I sat at the piano and tried to play my lullaby. It wasn't fitting my mood. I shifted keys and started a new piece. It was discordant, something I didn't try often. It was melancholy. It sounded almost as broken as I felt. Edward put a hand on my shoulder. "That bad?" he asked. I let my mind leave the notes and rest on the thoughts behind them. I showed him all the weeks Jacob and I had engaged in friendly conversation, idle chatter. No real conversations, no contact, no exchange.

"Why didn't you tell us?" he asked now.

I shrugged. "What was I supposed to say? Jacob's being an idiot, so please come home? That's kind of lame. Besides, you two were having a good time. _You_ time. I wouldn't interrupt that if I didn't have to. And I didn't have to. I'm doing what I can. I've tried to explain; I've tried to apologize. What more is there?"

I turned back to the keys and tried to build another passage from my pain. This time it was the much more palpable pain of his absence, something I had only started feeling since moving to the cottage. Going a day without seeing him was like pulling out a tooth, a fingernail. Each day it grew worse. But there were benefits. I could be with my parents, people who hugged me and kissed me. People who didn't seem to think their love wasn't good enough.

"I have a couple ideas," Edward muttered.

"You're as bad as Emmett. That won't help. I can't _mak__e_ him want to touch me. It would defeat the purpose. I can't make him be satisfied with our relationship as it is. I can't even give him what I think he wants. He won't take it."

Edward groaned slightly. "I'm glad for that."

"Well I'm not," I said sadly, laying my head on the piano keys. "At least that way he'd still be touching me." A tear slid to the ivory. "It feels wrong. It all feels wrong." I wrapped my arms around myself, holding together - my chest, where my heart was missing, Cubby.

Edward ran out the door. I dropped my arms in surprise and stood up. "Mama?" I asked.

She frowned. "He's seen that before. That's what I did when he left me." She wrapped her arms around herself just as I had.

"Oh no." I ran after my father, hoping to think of some way to prevent disaster along the way.

I barely did. He had Cubby by the furry throat. "You hypocrite," he spat at Jacob. "How long did you ride me for leaving Bella, and you do the same to my daughter?"

"Daddy, please." I begged. "Don't hurt him. It hurts me, remember?" I asked.

He slammed Jacob into the tree once more before dropping the wolf. He came and hugged me. "I love you, Nessie." He whispered. "And you," he said more loudly, pointing to Jacob. "You learn to be a man." He kissed my cheek and trudged back to the cottage.

"Don't know that I'll be able to stop him next time," I admitted to Jacob. "Maybe you should go home and not come back here. Maybe in the fall I'll go back to New Hampshire with them." I turned to follow my father.

He must have phased back quickly because he grabbed my hand. I almost screamed for joy. "Don't go," he said quietly. "Please don't go."

I looked up at him. "Why not?" I asked.

"Because it hurts too much," he admitted. "When you were in the house, it was enough. I could get by with that much. Now you're in the cottage. I don't see you. I'm not near you..." His voice broke.

"Well simply living with you isn't enough for me, Jacob." I turned again.

Then the miracle came. I felt him hug me around the shoulders from behind. His head was laid atop mine. "Nessie," he whispered. "I need you."

"I need you, too," I told him. "I need you more than anything. But I need _this_." I tapped his arms still around me. "I can't have you so close and yet so far. It's worse." I felt my eyes tear and cursed myself. I sent him an image through his arms. His white kiss. His arms stiffened and I wept.

"I'm sorry I'm hurting you, Ness. That's the last thing I want to do." He turned me to face him and I looked up into his deep dark eyes. "The very last thing. I want to give you everything. Everything but pain."

"Then kiss me," I ordered him. "Kiss me like you do. Kiss me the way I want to be kissed, the way I love being kissed. Kiss me and make me forget the last year. You've been hurting me that long, did you realize?" I felt the tears on my cheeks.

He groaned and shook his head. "I thought I was freeing you to find what you wanted."

"You are an idiot, Jacob Black." Then I laughed; it didn't sound right, too hysterical. "You are, and have always been, what I wanted." I pulled myself to his chest and sighed, filling my nose with his scent. It had been too long since his musk had covered me, too long since I felt his warm embrace.

"But, I can't. I can't make you..." he trailed.

I backed away and he let his arms fall. "How many times do I have to tell you that's _not_ what I want. I like my brain, remember? Why would I want my hormones to overpower it?" I was exasperated. How many times would we have the same argument? When would he understand that he couldn't make me feel that way because I wasn't ready to feel it? "I'm only seven years old, Jacob. Do most seven year-olds have sexual thoughts?" He shook his head. "Well, I don't either." I continued. "Not really. So, please. Be _my_ imprint. Be what I need you to be."

He looked up again then. "What you need," he whispered. "What you want?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes!" I threw myself at him again. "Everything I want."

He stroked my hair. "I'm so sorry, Nessie. I'm sorry I can't be more of a man for you."

I growled and punched him in the kidney. He curled around it. I used the words I had with Joham. _"Half a man. And ten times more than you'll ever be. _You are all the man I want; all the man I'll ever want. How can I make you see that? I don't want to be light-headed and dizzy and confused and hormone ridden. I want to be in love and know I'm in love. And right now, I know I'm in love with you, Jacob."

"I love you too, Nessie."

"Then, for the love of all that is good in the world, love me and stop thinking about this." I tipped my head up, hoping he'd finally take the hint.

He didn't meet my lips with his, but he did press them to my eyelids and nose. It was enough for now. "Come home?" he begged.

I sighed, satisfied. "Yes."


	15. Chapter 15

My seventh birthday was a happy occasion. Mama and Edward had left for Dartmouth at my insistence, but had left a present behind, extravagant of course. But I couldn't be sad about getting my own car especially now that my IDs claimed I was old enough to drive it. I got my eyes on it before they left thankfully.

"Dad, you don't really think I'm going to take a 'vette onto the reservation, do you? Get me a Civic or something, jeez."

He scrunched his nose. "A Civic?" he said with derision.

Rosalie jumped on that one. "No, that's great! I'll supe it up! It'll be better than a Corvette when I'm done." With that, Rosalie had her gift for me.

I invited Ruby, Ruth, Joe, Billy and Cubby to spend the evening with Emmett and Rosalie at the house. As I already had gifts from my family, I made sure my friends knew they didn't have to give me anything. Ruth brought a cake and Emmett and Rose pretended to eat it. It was a remarkably good party.

"Why didn't you go to Dartmouth?" Emmett wondered. We were out of earshot of all but Rosalie. "I was sure, now that you can pass for seventeen, you'd be there. Especially while Bella's attending."

"I couldn't. Things are better with Jacob. Even if he still won't kiss me... I remember what it was like in Brazil. I can't inflict that on myself or him. I can't be away from him. Not that far, not that long. Besides," I brightened, "I'm pretty sure Billy and Ruth are going to get married soon; I want to be here for that."

I sat next to Cubby with my cake. I watched all the other couples around us and felt his awkwardness. I wanted to cry again. I refused to. I jumped up and took a seat at the piano instead. "Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to me!" I said with a smile and banged out the Beatles.

A few weeks later, I came home from school to a cry of help. It sounded like Ruth. "Who's there? Help us?"

I dropped my things and ran for Billy's room. That was where her voice was coming from. I opened the door and my jaw dropped. Then my lips squeezed, but I couldn't hold it. I laughed out loud. "You know how ridiculous that looks, I'm sure."

Ruth was trapped behind Billy's bed. She was pinned under his torso. His legs, useless, were the only thing on the bed. "Har har," he said.

"OK, I'm going to grab your shoulders, Billy." I told him straddling his back. I gripped his shoulders and pulled him back on the bed. Ruth shimmed out as soon as she was loose. I was still chuckling.

"Laugh it up," Billy said snidely.

"Aw, I'm not laughing _at_ you." I said, hip-checking the bed right up to the wall. "Not really. But you would laugh if I got stuck in a badger hole, wouldn't you?"

"She's right," Ruth agreed, chuckling a little. She started to find her clothes.

"Hey, where is everyone?" Jacob came in the front door. I could hear him approaching the bedroom.

"Shoot, I'll get him," I said, bursting out and closing the door behind me.

"Don't go in there," I told him.

"Why not?" he asked, an eyebrow cocked.

"Because I'm not sure they were finished," I said loudly, hoping they took the hint.

"What? They? My Dad?" Jacob was wide-eyed and spluttering.

"You brat!" Billy yelled, "Ruth, you get back on this bed. I'll show him." I laughed loudly and could hear Ruth chuckling through the door.

I shoved Jacob away down the hall. "They – They got into a bit of a bind. I helped them out." I informed him, grinning madly.

"My Dad?" he said again in disbelief. "How?" I carefully arranged my thoughts making it me trapped and him hanging off the bed. I took his hand.

He worked his jaw but no sound came out. He blushed and blinked furiously. Then he started shaking his head.

"Do you really want the medical breakdown?" I asked, and he blanched. "I didn't think so."

He followed me to the kitchen where I began preparing supper.

Ruth slipped out the door, blushing. Billy came out in only pants with a huge grin on his face.

"I seriously don't want to know this," Jacob said getting up. We both laughed at him.

"Oysters?" I suggested to Billy.

"Ugh!" I heard from down the hall and laughed harder.

"Damn, I'm glad you're the one who came home first," Billy commented pulling a beer from the fridge.

"No kidding. Ruth might have died of embarrassment."

"And I might have had to kill my son," he said after a swallow. "I still might."

I tried to convince Jacob to take me to the Solstice party, but he was being stubborn, claiming he needed to patrol.

"When was the last vampire on La Push, Jacob?" I asked him. He growled. "When?" I insisted.

"Your parents, on your last birthday," he admitted. The Volturi attack had come on Cullen land.

"Right. Now relax, and enjoy the evening with me, please?" I asked. I took his hand and showed him my dance. I would be in the circle again tonight.

He smiled. "Well, maybe we could come back here instead of the party."

What was he suggesting, I wondered? "If that's what you'd like." I trusted Jacob.

That night my dance was filled with all the magic it had had before. If Billy was right there was going to be another baby boom in the fall. More dark haired children with the sun in their smiles. I didn't feel quite as woozy after, but Jacob swept me up and carried me home regardless.

"Thanks. My legs aren't completely useless, you know." I reminded him putting my head in the curve of his neck.

"I know. But you're tired. Or you should be. You put all of yourself into that one, didn't you?"

"Mm-hmm," I mumbled closing my eyes and drinking in his scent.

I woke on his bed, curled on top of him. Was this really what he'd had in mind for the night? Sleeping? Maybe, he never seemed to get enough. I shifted because something was digging into my hip. I reached to pull it out of the way and froze when I discovered what it was. My blush was flaming, and I let go of Jacob immediately.

I took a deep breath. He was still asleep. I hadn't hurt him. I tried to concentrate on bringing my pulse back to normal. Then I tried to make myself comfortable on top of him. As I shifted I noticed that the beads of my dress had left impressions on his chest. I chuckled and traced them with my fingers.

He grabbed my hand. "That tickles," he complained.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Don't worry about it," he shifted and I felt him press against me again. "Ah, crap," he muttered. "Did I wake you, Ness?" he asked now.

"I don't think so. I felt it when I woke, but I don't think that's what woke me." I slid down his side, squished between him and the wall. I kept one leg draped over him. I didn't want him thinking I was going anywhere. "Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?" I teased him.

He groaned. " You, you vixen." he tweaked my nose. " Ever since you showed me that picture of us in my dad's bed..."

"Ooops, sorry." I flushed.

He laughed. "Don't suppose you've changed your mind yet? Wanting more?" his voice was huskier now and he moved me to the middle of the bed under him. My pulse did race. Did I want this?

Did he want this? Could I do this for him? I smiled slyly and put my hands on either side of his face. I'd wanted him to kiss me so much. This was my chance. I pulled his face to mine. The kiss was still white and I was careful not to let him see that. It was as perfect as always. I didn't really care what came next as long as I could have this.

His tongue was touching my lips and I parted them, knowing what he wanted. The kiss was warm, and although his tongue felt strange in my mouth, it didn't feel bad. I put my hands to his hair and then down his back. His hand began to roam over me. His touch was gentle; I still enjoyed this.

Then he squeezed one of my breasts. It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel right. I tried to ignore it. I kissed his cheek now, his ear.

"Nessie," he whispered. Instead of making my heart race, it made it sink. I was deceiving him.

"Wait, Jacob." I whispered. He released his hold on me but didn't move away. He looked to my eyes and I wasn't sure what he'd find there.

"You're not ready," he said slowly. Then he hung his head. He chuckled but not with humor. "It's all right, Ness. You don't have to be." He kissed my cheek again. "You want to sleep in your own bed? Safe from the cubby-monster?" he asked smiling.

"Nope." I said and grabbed the cubby-monster. He gasped. "I'm going to keep him close. Don't want him sneaking up on me again."

Jacob laughed at me.

Ruth and Billy announced their engagement after the Solstice. I put a call in to Aunt Alice. "How set are you on attending the winter term at Dartmouth?" I asked her.

"Why?" she asked, truly puzzled. This must be killing her. She hated not seeing things.

"Because I have a wedding this spring I'd like you to plan."

She squealed, "You and Jake-?"

"Shit, no, Alice! DAD! No!" I shouted hoping he was near enough to hear me through the receiver. "Damn, no." I laughed now. "Billy and Ruth are. Now can I talk to my father and calm him down?"

"Oh he's... engaged. He probably didn't hear either my words or my thoughts, so don't worry about it. Billy and Ruth? Rustic. Nature. I think Esme and I can come up with something. When?"

"They've set the date for the equinox. March 21."

"All righty. I'll have a chat with Esme and we'll let you know when we'll be there."

"You are the best Alice. That's why I called you." I beamed at her over the phone.

Ruby was smiling at me. "She'll do it?"

"Of course she'll do it," I told her, smirking. "Alice never misses a chance to throw a party. Now you have to tell me what's bothering you." Ruby had been almost as quiet and moody as when I'd met her.

"Well. Remember how I asked you not to dance at the Solstice last year? Well I _really_ should have asked you not do it this year." She looked at her feet and blushed.

"Really?" I squealed now, jumping to hug her. She was stiff in my arms. "You aren't happy. Are you worried about it? Do you think you might be- ?" She nodded her head. "Well," I looked at a calendar on the wall. "Even the best tests won't let you know for another week. But we'll pick one up, Okay?"

"And if I am?" She grabbed one of my pillows and hugged it.

"Deal with that _if_ it comes. Don't worry about it until then. Or is it more? Are you wishing you hadn't?"

She nodded, and I hugged her again. "Why?" I asked not understanding.

"I'm young, and we're not married, and what if he ends up being like my-"

"Oh, please tell me you aren't thinking that. This is Joe, Ruby. He could never be anything but a sweetie-pie. You are young, but you are happy and with the man of your dreams. Well, he's doing his best to be that anyway," I told her with a chuckle. "Don't borrow trouble."

"Thanks, Nessie. Should I tell my Mom?" she asked now.

That was a tough one. "Are you planning to do it again soon?" I asked. She shook her head. "Then wait. If the test is positive you will, of course. But if this was just a one night thing and you're going to slow down again... why tell her?"

She nodded, still quiet.

I hugged and rocked her slowly. "Everything is good, Ruby. I just wish I knew how I got everyone's blood boiling. I should never dance again." I said laughing.

She chuckled too. "Everyone?" she asked me.

I laughed out loud and told her about waking up with cubby-monster poking me. I sobered up as I told about the rest of the night.

"Even though you didn't really want to?" she asked.

I blushed with shame. "Yeah. It was stupid. I shouldn't have done it, but he's been going on and on about 'being a man'. So I thought, maybe, he could be a man..."

Ruby laughed at me and I frowned at her. Then she hit me with a pillow. "For a smart cookie like you, that was pretty dumb, Ness."

"Even if it kinda worked?" I asked. "Even if I hadn't stopped him, and he'd stopped being awkward with me all the time?" I fiddled with the pillow in my hands.

"Yes!" she shouted. "You think he'd just have fun once and not want to keep touching you like that?"

I hadn't thought that far. "Well, if it was all right once."

Ruby shook her head. "I'm glad you saw reason. I wish I had."

I stared at her now. "You didn't..."

"Not like that," she said quietly. "You know how you can get swept up in one of those amazing kisses that Joe has?"

I nodded, remembering.

"Well, I kind of let him sweep me away. If I'd been thinking I would have stopped him, but my brain kinda ended up on the floor with my clothes." She put her head in her hands.

"Oh," was all I could say at first. "Well, he'll understand if you want to slow it down again."

"I sure hope so," she said skeptically.

I hugged her again.


	16. Chapter 16

Ruby was right about one thing, Jacob definitely wanted to touch me more. He also wanted to kiss me more. He was more than willing to back off every time I asked, but I was starting to be glad I still had class. It gave me a few hours out of his grasp.

"I think I created a monster," I whined to Ruby in English class.

"I told you," she said without remorse.

"Yeah, thanks. So what do I do now?"

"You bring that test over to my house and sleep over. If it's positive we run away together." She smiled as she said it, though. I was glad she wasn't fretting about it.

"Deal." I put my head on my hands and tried not to fall asleep. A night in Ruby's room. I'd get a lot more sleep than at home.

The test was negative. We danced and hugged and danced some more.

"So," I asked once she had come down from her high, "how did Joe take the news?" She looked at me questioningly. "About slowing down," I clarified.

"Oh!" Her eyes lit up in recognition. "He was good about it. We're still, doing... stuff," she blushed nervously.

"Can you give me a baseball analogy?" I asked, joking.

"Second with some sliding into third," she bit her lip.

"Both of you?" I asked, itching with curiosity now.

She nodded. She buried her face in her hands and I laughed at her.

"You don't have to be embarrassed Ruby. Geez I walk in on everyone it seems. As long as you're both enjoying it, why shouldn't you explore?" I said it in a lusty tone and she smacked me with a pillow. "I'm serious though. So have you gone for third yourself at all?" I assumed this meant oral, but I should probably clarify. "Have you... tasted him?"

She blushed harder. I didn't think it was possible. "Is that a yes you have or a yes you want to?" I teased her now. I got a pillow in the face again.

"Only once. And only a taste. It was weird."

I shrugged. "I'm sure it was. I mean I've only touched it and that was _really_ weird."

"I'm glad I have a friend like you, Nessie. I think other girls would flip or pressure me to do more or razz the hell out of me. You're all, whatever." She flipped her hand as she said it.

"Yeah, I am. Sex isn't the important part." I took her hand and showed her all my relatives, her mom and Billy. All the tiny affections they showed for each other and me. "Love is so much more. Sex is just... biology." I rolled my eyes.

"That's just because you don't want to ride the hormone wave. One day, you're going to hang that curl and it's going to blow that gigantic brain of yours."

"Yeah, sure." I rolled my eyes again.

"Jacob's touching doesn't... do that?" She seemed surprised now.

I looked down, uncomfortable now. "No, it doesn't. Do you think that's because of me? It can't be him. I mean he's doing all the right things..." Now I was blushing.

"Maybe. Have you tried thinking about it less?" She was laying on the bed looking at me now.

I chuckled. "You have no idea what it's like having this gigantic brain. Asking me not to think is like asking me to not breathe, or blink. The best I can do is think about something else. I have a lot of practice at that. You remember my dad, Edward, don't you?" I asked with a smirk.

She did, of course. "The mind reader, right?"

"Maybe I should try that..." I was lost in thought now, wondering if the tie to my hormones really was just end running around the brain. I could try to think about something else, see if it worked.

"Nessie?" I must have zoned out. "Try what?"

"Thinking about something else. Counting backwards. Reciting poetry in Latin. Things like that."

She shook her head. "You are so odd." Then she smacked me with the pillow again.

I came home that evening and started supper. Jacob came and hugged me at the stove. "Welcome home," he whispered tucking his head into my shoulder. I smiled. This felt nice. Then his hands started roaming a bit too much and I nudged him.

"I don't want to burn this," I warned him.

"Then turn it off," he teased, reaching past me to turn off the burner.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Time to test my theory. I turned to face him, expecting his kiss. His lips came to mine. At first it was our kiss, but it quickly became more. I started listing the ingredients in the sauce I had just made. His tongue snaked around mine. I recited the entire song to the Solstice dance. That was good. I put my arms around his neck and he lifted me. I could see the sun rising while he kissed me. The song ended and I felt his hands on my bottom. I started going through the dance in my head, trying to keep my brain anywhere but in my body.

There was a cough and Jacob put me back down. I pushed my hair back behind my ear. "Sorry, Billy. Dinner won't be long now." I turned back to the stove pleased with myself.

I tried to use other music to distract myself on other occasions. I was partially successful. Sometimes Jacob's advances still felt awkward, others I was throwing myself at him as much as he was at me. It was an odd sensation, being less than fully in control of myself. I still didn't care for it in general, but didn't hate where it took me either. Which is how I ended up topless one night.

"Jacob," I whispered, "maybe we should tame this back down?" I still played a rumba in my head. The faster rhythms were definitely more distracting in cases like these. I kissed him again, less deeply. "I mean... we are in your dad's house."

He growled and put his mouth to my chest. I lost the rhythm suddenly. I was fully aware of myself and I stiffened. Jacob broke his kiss and looked to my eyes, "No?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Not now." I pulled him back to my mouth and kissed him again. He didn't move for my breast again, holding me tightly instead.

I thought to have a heart to heart with my guy-friend about the whole hormone over mind over matter dilemma. He was likely sharing all of Jacob's latest exploits, and vice versa. This gave him a totally different view on the situation.

"So, Cubby finally patrolling with you again?" I asked. Might as well establish how much he knew.

"Yeah. Since the Solstice he's become really laid back. Can't imagine why." He nudged me with a stupid grin on his face.

"Nice to know he's sharing," I muttered, not really embarrassed. "Well, I'm glad. I hate thinking that I'm causing even small divisions in the pack. You guys are brothers."

"That's not what you want to talk about," he said with the same silly grin. "You want to talk about what Jake's been sharing."

"Thanks for being so subtle about it," I complained. "Yeah, that is what I wanted to talk about. You and Ruby, you managed to back up, dial it down. Any suggestions on how to do that? Without pushing him away again?"

"You tried just asking him?"

"Yes and no? I've asked him to stop on occasion and he recognizes the boundaries I put up, but... well he's kinda persistent." Now I did flush. I wasn't entirely sure why. I wasn't even embarrassed for myself; I was embarrassed for Cubby. I was painting him as some testosterone driven machine. He wasn't like that. He was just... enthused. A boy with a new toy. I couldn't really blame him for wanting to play with it. Thank god Edward wasn't around to hear that thought.

"Can't imagine why! Have you looked in a mirror lately? Damn, Ness."

I hip bumped him again, trying to move him back on topic. "So, how do I calm things down? Preferably without turning them off altogether."

"Wow, that is a pickle," he was thoughtful now. "I mean Ruby and I aren't trying to turn down frequency just amplitude."

"Nice physics analogy! Bonus points." Joseph was terrible at science. "Well I have good control on amplitude now, I think. But frequency is still too high for my taste. Amplitude was a problem for while, too. You probably noticed." I looked at him now with a grin on my face.

"Hells yeah. Woo. You had that boy damn distracted. The others were begging him off so they could keep their heads in the game."

I smiled broadly at that. I liked nothing more than making Jacob happy, and it was obvious that part, at least, had been successful. "So, I'm... doing a good job? Damn, that sounds lame. He's feeling... satisfied?" I tried instead.

Now Joseph blushed and then laughed out loud. "Well I think only one thing would really satisfy him. But yes, you're doing a good job. Good lord, Nessie, what a question." He put an arm around my shoulder. I wasn't sure if I should be glad or sad he wasn't intuitive enough to know the reason for my question.

_Because I'm not_.

Alice and Esme arrived to begin the wedding plans. Ruth was fitted for her dress. Ruby and I were to be bridemaids and needed dresses as well. I escorted Alice as we scoped out picture locations and reception possibilities. When the green had fully returned to the leaves Alice dropped a bomb on me. "Edward didn't want me to tell you this, but I think you should know."

"Oh this oughta be good," I muttered. "What does my dear daddy want to protect me from now?" I asked with a smirk.

Alice swatted my arm. "The Volturi. Give him some credit; he isn't nearly as overbearing as he used to be."

I tossed my head, "You're right. The Volturi, eh? Well you should definitely tell me what they're up to. I'm sure I'm their number one target."

"You are. And they are re-building. Caius wants your pretty head I'm afraid," she said it sweetly. It was as if she'd added, "too bad he'll never get it."

"Thanks for letting me know. How's it going? What are they at, number-wise?" We were walking through a nice clearing and I stopped her to check it out.

"Oh, yes, this might work," she turned in a circle. "They're still at half strength at best, less than twenty not counting the ancients and wives. Arch, there. Tables, there. Band, there. Yes. I think this will work. We'll have to show Esme."

"Alice, you are the queen of multi-tasking."

My parents came the weekend before the wedding. Ruby and Joe came with me to the house to visit. We were chatting about how happy Ruth seemed. How good our bridesmaids dresses looked. Joe leaned over to whisper in Ruby's ear and kissed her. My father suddenly jumped up and ran out the door.

"Were you guys thinking anything..." I asked, looking at them and Mama. She had no idea.

"No, just lusting," Ruby said with a little blush.

What had I been thinking about? Ruby and Joseph kissing. Then Cubby and I kissing. "Shit." I ran after him following his scent. It took me several minutes to catch up to him. We'd crossed the treaty line into La Push.

Once again I found my father giving Cubby a beating. "Edward, Stop!" I commanded.

He looked at me and snarled. I would have been afraid if he hadn't been my father. "Don't think I'm not angry at you, too."

"So talk to me. What are you angry about. That I kiss Jacob, because that really isn't your business."

"That you trick yourself into liking it."

Everything was happening at once again. I ran to Jacob as he whined. I heard howling wolves. Cubby ran from me. My father grabbed my arm, holding me in place.

"He didn't know," I told Edward. "How could you do that?"

"Me?" he was still furious. "Why would you let him put his hands all over you..."

"Because I did want him to." I let my weight fall and he held me up by my arm. "I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted things to be right. I thought I was doing a good job of making them right." I stopped talking and let him see it in my mind. The longing for his kiss, the night I let him get carried away. The way I never reined him back as far again.

"Nessie, stop. For the sake of my sanity, please stop." He let me fall to the ground, and I hugged my knees.

"What am I going to do now?" Things were going to go back to the way they had been a year ago. I was going to lose him again. I buried my face and cried. How could Edward do this to me? How could he say that to Jacob? I wasn't tricking myself, I was distracting myself. I was end-running my brain. It seemed to be the only way I could feel sexual pleasure. Surely he understood that. He and Mama must have that problem.

"No, Nessie." He was still here. Why was he still here? "We don't need to distract ourselves; we need to be distracted from ourselves. When I'm with your mother the rest of the world disappears. I don't think about anything but her. How she feels and how she makes me feel. I think you were right back in the beginning. You aren't ready to feel this. You shouldn't be trying."

I wept harder.

When I opened my eyes next, my father was gone. I ran back to the house, not ready to face Jacob yet. I could hear Edward's shouting before I opened the door.

"I'm actually starting to feel sorry for him! She had him completely duped. He thought she was loving every minute of it!"

"Edward, calm down. She's probably feeling terrible without you adding to it," Mama said, trying to soothe him.

"If you want to punish Ness, Edward, your chance is coming." Alice's voice was icy. "The Volturi have decided to move."

I ran for the Black house at full speed.


	17. Chapter 17

I burst through the door of the Black house and stopped dead. Grandpa and Billy were sitting watching a basketball game with Seth and Paul. It was the bachelor party. I'd completely forgotten.

I plastered a plastic smile on my face. "Don't mind me; just need a few things from my room. I'll be gone before you know it."

I ran straight to my room to grab my credit card and passport. I shoved a change of clothes in my bag and ran back through the men, stopping only to wave. I jumped into my Civic and pulled out at a normal speed. As soon as I was out of sight of the house I broke out Rosalie's enhancements and was flying at 140 miles/hour. At least I knew Chief Swan wasn't patrolling the highway. I headed straight to Seattle.

I knew Alice couldn't see me. How long before anyone else thought to wonder where I'd gone? Edward definitely hadn't heard my thoughts; he was too wrapped up in his tirade. I tried not to cry, at this speed I couldn't risk it. My friends weren't at the house any longer, I dearly hoped. What had they told Ruby and Joe? Had Mama suggested they leave? I pulled into a long-stay parking spot and grabbed my ticket.

"One to Italy, one-way," I told the ticket attendant.

"Where?" I didn't answer. "Where in Italy?" she looked at me like she wondered if I should really be flying alone.

"The first flight. I'll use the train once I'm there."

"We have a flight to Rome leaving in two hours," she informed me.

I thought on that; how much would happen in two hours? My family would probably come up with a plan, maybe call Denali... They certainly wouldn't be moving themselves, but they'd long since start wondering where I'd gone. Still, it should be enough. "Yes, I'll take that." I handed over my passport and credit card to buy my ticket.

"Baggage?" I shook my head.

"Have a nice flight," she said skeptically, handing me my boarding pass.

"Thank you." I ran to the security gate, knowing I had limited time before my flight. I tossed all my cosmetics in a bin along the way and looked longingly at my multi-tool. I hated being with out it. I dropped it into the garbage with a deep sigh. I made a point to pick a new one up as soon as I could.

My phone buzzed while I was in the security line. I dug it out of my bag. A text from Ruby. _Where'd you go? _I couldn't answer. I plopped it back into the bag and set the lot on the scanner. I made it to my gate with twenty minutes to spare. I'd gotten a call from my mother that I didn't answer as well as another text from Ruby. _Are you going to make the wedding?_ What did she think I was doing? What had my family told her? I did reply just before my flight. _If I possibly can_. That was vague enough. I powered down my phone and found my seat. Then, I was in the air.

I spent the majority of the flight thinking about Cubby. What was he thinking? How devastated was he? Would I ever be able to repair things between us? I doubted it. Especially since I was walking into nearly certain death. But if I did see him again, what could I tell him? Could I explain that I was trying to make us both happy? I wasn't trying to deceive him. I was perhaps deceiving myself, but I wasn't trying to deceive him. I knew how I felt about him. I knew I wanted to marry him and have his baby and that didn't come without all the steps in between. So I wanted those, too. Did I want to give in to my hormones, no. I didn't want that, but I was more than willing to do that.

What about what Edward had said, about he and Mama? They didn't have any trouble giving into their hormones. Their brains didn't impede them. Why was that? What was different about me? Was it because I was a hybrid? None of the Brazilians had built deep sexual relationships. This was a possibility. Was it simply that I wasn't ready to remit? That was definitely a problem. Was it something about Jacob specifically? I couldn't guess what. It certainly seemed like he and Mama were able to meet on that front. Was it the imprint? That didn't make any sense; none of the other imprints had this problem. It was something between us, that was obvious. But I had no way to isolate the issue. If it was me, then it could affect the imprint.

I was driving myself insane, and I wasn't preparing myself at all for what was coming when I did get off this plane. I would be walking right into the lions' den. I wasn't really worried about that, though. If they killed me, I'd already decided, it was an acceptable loss - to rid my family of the threat that Aro posed, I would give my life. To keep the Volturi from ever setting foot on La Push, I could sacrifice myself. The decision I made on the field that day had been immediate, reflexive. It was a response to the situation at hand; not the longer term war, just the battle.

I had won that game. Mate in one. I had not looked at the games that would follow. Of course Marcus and Caius would want vengeance on me, I'd killed their brother. It was no less than I would want of them if they'd killed one of my family. But I didn't want to simply give myself up so they could go after my family again. I had to make sure that the world knew of their weakness. I pulled a notebook out of my bag and started using my brain for something other than trying to salvage my relationship with Jacob. I wrote a letter to some old acquaintances.

_Vladimir and Stephan;_

_How are you? I hope your eyes are still bright and clear enough to read this! You will want to read it, and act on it. I am sure you are aware that Aro has been unobserved for a time. Off hunting more hybrids in Brazil. What you might not know is that he found part of what he sought. He found the hybrids, but he also found their father, Joham, had been destroyed. It is at this point that he made a fatal error, gentlemen. He decided to come to me and my pack for answers on this matter. Of course, Aro never comes for just answers; he comes to gain power. He came for me, and he found me. What he did not expect was my teeth at his neck instead of his cheek in greeting. What he did not expect was my ability to thwart Alec's power. What he did not expect was the near decimation of his army._

_Aro is not in Brazil. He is not in Washington. He is no more. I ended him! If you seek to revisit upon the Volturi all they brought upon you, now is your time. They have a scant force, but they are rebuilding. Do not waste time. I think, if upon receiving this, you come to Volterra, you might find my family come to avenge me. I send this from Italy, as you see. I go to face justice for my crime. I think my family will be most distraught upon learning this._

_Carpe diem,_

_Renesmee._

My, that was saucy. They'd love it. Now... how to send it? I didn't have an address for them, of course. I did have a number for Benjamin though. I wondered if they ever contacted him again? There was only one way to find out.

"Hello? Is this Benjamin?"

"No, this is Tia. May I ask who is calling?"

"Renesmee. How are you, Tia?" I asked brightly. I hadn't talked to either of them in several years. It was good to hear her voice.

"Nessie? We are well. How are you?" she was happy to hear me.

"Well enough. I was wondering if Benjamin had ever gotten another offer from the Romanians. I'm looking to contact them and thought he might be able to give me an address." I hoped this request wouldn't put her off.

"The Romanians." Her voice was filled with revulsion. "Yes, they came to visit once. I think they left an address. Let me find Benjamin; he would remember it. I didn't even look at it."

There was a pause and then Benjamin's sparkling voice filled the line, "Nessie! It is so good of you to call! Why on earth do you want to contact Vlad and Stephan?"

"I have good news I wanted to share with them. You remember Aro?" It was a stupid question, no one could forget Aro.

"Though I'd rather I didn't," he agreed.

"Well, it so happens that he decided to come after me again last year. And he wasn't able to walk away from that encounter." Even though the cost had been high, it was great news to share with friends.

"Nessie? Really?" He was stunned.

"Yes. So, I thought they might like to know that their time is at hand." I giggled.

"They _would _like to know that." Benjamin gave me an address and I wrote it on the top of my letter.

"Thank you so much, Benjamin. I'm happy to say that you will _not_ be getting a visit from the Volturi any time soon. I'm sure Amun will be thrilled to hear it." Maybe this would put me into Amun's good graces as well. He'd never cared for me much. I was glad he'd never answered the few times I had called.

"He will! Thank you again for calling, Nessie!"

I only had a few hours left in my flight when I hung up. Of course turning on my phone had lit up the messages waiting and new text message prompts. Did I dare listen to or read these? What if one was a message from Alice, perhaps something in the Volturi plan had changed.

The first voice message was my mother. "Renesmee, please come back to the house. Your father and I need to talk to you. I know this is a difficult time for you, and we want to help in any way we can. I'm sorry for what happened tonight. Please, let us help." That would have been the call while I was in line. Edward must have calmed down enough for her to feel able to invite me back. Well, he didn't need to apologize and he didn't need to scold me. I was going to take my licking like a good girl.

The second was from Billy. "Hey, Nessie. Your Dad came by looking for you; seemed real worried. Thought I'd give you the heads up if you're trying to give him the slip. Take care, kid." I smiled, that was nice of Billy. Especially after Edward crashed the bachelor party.

The third was from Ruby. "Nessie! Where did you go? Why didn't you come back? Why aren't you at home? Are you Okay? Your Dad came back and he was REAL pissed. Practically kicked Joe and I out. Let me know what's going on, Okay? We love you!" Damn, Mama hadn't gotten them out of the house first. I hoped he hadn't scared them too badly. I really wished I could give them some peace of mind. I loved them too.

The text was from Alice. _I can't see you, but I know you. Don't be foolish._

Damn, she did know me. She had better keep that from Dad or we were all dead. I texted her back quickly. _Alice. Yeah I'm an idiot in every way I can be. Don't let anyone know. I'm going to keep you all safe. I started this and I'm going to finish it._

Well, I was going to try anyway.

Upon landing, I found a post office in the airport and purchased an envelope and postage. Then I found a train headed to Pisa and climbed aboard.

I ran the final miles to Volterra after arriving at the terminal in Pontedera. I wondered what would await me.


	18. Chapter 18

I was a little surprised no one approached me as I walked slowly through town. I was half-expecting black cloaks to surround me and drag me off. Instead, I wandered aimlessly until I found the square Mama must have ran through to stop Edward from exposing himself so long ago. I walked to the fountain and sat on the edge. The sun was hidden, but the day was warm. I closed my eyes and relished the heat.

I opened them to the smell of a human approaching, carrying a fragrant bloom, a daffodil. It was a boy, probably no more than eleven. He was slight with dark brown curly hair. He had lovely olive skin and deep brown eyes. He held the daffodil out and let it trace my cheek before putting it into my hand. "_Benvenuto, Bella_," he greeted me. Then he stepped forward to kiss each of my cheeks in greeting. I smiled broadly at him and his sweet gesture. His eyes took on a wicked glint, "_Maggior parte del benvenuto_." He put his hands on both my cheeks and kissed me soundly. My smile turned to a grin as he blushed furiously and ran away. "_Grazie_!" I called after him and sniffed his gift.

I thought on Jacob and how very like his kisses this mysterious boy's had been. Gentle and sweet, soft like the daffodil in my hand. That thought saddened me as I also recalled where I was and why I was here. The cracking stone work around me made it impossible to forget where I was. When I looked up my smile was gone and a female vampire was standing before me, dressed in some of the least flattering club wear I had ever seen. She must have no sense of subtlety. The sun was hidden, so I only knew her for a vampire by the extremely paleness of her skin and her overly floral scent. No perfume humans had designed could ever recreate that odor. Apparently the Volturi had finally noticed me, and thankfully they hadn't left yet.

"Hello. Do you speak English?" she asked me and I nodded. "Wonderful! My name is Heidi, and I'm guiding a tour of the castle. It begins in a few minutes. I wondered if you'd like to join us?" She waved a hand toward the twenty or so tourists gathered behind her. The cattle. She didn't know me. She thought me just another human - a particularly tasty morsel,l no doubt.

I smiled at her brilliantly. I was going in, and they weren't going to see me coming. "I would love to. Thank you for asking me." I rose and put my bag back to my shoulder. I made sure to linger to the back of the group and cough often. Heidi didn't seem to notice as she moved to the head.

Once we were in the castle and had been guided through a few rooms, I started whispering apologies to some of the assembled couples. "Oh, I'm so sorry," I said to one man, wiping non-existent spittle from his coat. "This flu is awful; I was sure I was getting over it. I probably shouldn't be in tight spaces... Excuse me!" I dashed as though in desperate need of a washroom. From the corner I watched as he and his wife and children quietly excused themselves from the tour. I repeated my performance, slowly, always at stops where Heidi was busy prattling about this or that piece of art or architecture. I had chased off nearly everyone else before we passed a reception desk with an obvious human behind it. I walked up to the last man, young, blond and American. I spat on his shoe. "Get out of here," I told him coldly, pointing to the elevator we had just passed. I looked death at him and he blanched. He headed for the elevator.

As soon as he turned Heidi put her ice cold hand to my throat. "Well, you are hardly large enough to feed all the newborns," she told me.

I took a deep breath and held it. I sent her my memory of taking Aro's head, burning his remains. Her hand tightened on my windpipe. Then I pictured myself before Caius and Marcus. "I think they might want to see me." I squeaked with the least of my air possible.

She growled, her lip curling back. She dropped my neck and spun on her spiked heel. I followed closely. I was led to an ornate throne room. There sat Caius and Marcus with Renata between them. Caius' pale hair gleamed as his eyes did. He was anticipating my demise. Marcus, as usual was much more passive, his eyes dull and milky. He seemed only mildly curious in my presence. Renata almost shook between them. She was _still_ frightened of me. I was impressed at their speed in preparation. I hadn't seen her send a message. The receptionist? If so she was quite intuitive.

I came to the center of the floor between them and curtsied, bowing my head only slightly. "I don't think the shield is needed. I was only able to reach Aro because he foolishly trusted me. Is that not right, Renata?" She yipped slightly but nodded. Caius waved her aside. "I have come to face your justice. And to ask your compassion on my family and friends. As you are surely, aware my family was in no way involved in the distasteful events I initiated two years ago." Marcus nodded, his eyes suddenly intent on me. He had not regarded me with such liveliness on our last meeting. What could have sparked his interest? He signaled for a woman to come to his side.

"The wolves," Caius growled, "were."

"Indeed," I tried to listen to Marcus' exchange even as I spoke. "However, they were merely fulfilling their purpose. To protect their people and land from those such as you."

"Yes, master," the woman was saying, "it is exceptionally strong. I tested but was unable to affect it. At least as strong as the bond of mates."

"But they allow your family to pass freely among them," Caius was arguing in a hot tone.

"You tested it?" Marcus' voice was cold; he was displeased at her action.

"Only a test," she said apologetically.

"Did you reach your full extension?" he asked now.

"No. Shall I?" She sought permission now and he nodded.

In the meantime Caius was awaiting my answer. "Because they do not pose a danger to their people. If your diet resembled my family's, they would not bother you either." I was careful not to let the sensation affect my words, but once again I could feel what I should not be able to. The female must have been Chelsea. She was attacking my bond to Jacob. It felt like a cold knife had been placed to the base of my skull. There was nothing else. Pressure from the knife but no change. By the time I finished speaking, it receded.

"Nothing," she informed Marcus. Her eyes showed disbelief.

"Thank you, Chelsea," he excused her. "Caius?" Marcus addressed him now and signaled one of the wives to step forward. She was slight, short, with honey colored hair piled upon her head. Her skin was the same white alabaster of my family. "You would certainly agree that Suplicia has the most right to determine this child's fate?"

Caius nodded reluctantly. Suplicia, this was Aro's widow. She would have reason to want me dead. My hopes for a quick demise rose again.

"What would you like done with her, Suplicia?" Marcus asked her. His face was kind now. It was almost strange to see. He had never shown so much emotion before, always seeming lethargic at our last meeting.

"I want her head removed from her shoulders and her limbs torn from her body. Then I want to see them burn," she said without emotion; her blazing red eyes never left mine. I gave her a small smile in return. Not enough to antagonize her, only a sign of gratitude. I wondered if she recognized it.

"Let me give you an alternative," Marcus offered. His voice was soft and I was instantly afraid. "What if I told you she has a bond as strong as ours for our lost mates, possibly stronger." I noticed Caius' face fall from the corner of my eye. He wanted me dead, and he sensed he was about to be thwarted in that plan. "Her pain is easily equal to ours. What would you choose for her fate now?" Marcus turned his angelic face and red eyes to Suplicia with a small smile, knowing her answer.

"That she live at least as long as I do. Never to see her love again." Suplicia's voice suddenly took on emotion. Not malice, vengeance.

I felt tears in my eyes. I fell to my knees at Marcus' feet. "No, please." I begged. I touched his foot and sent all the pain I had felt in Brazil, all the pain I had endured in the past year without Jacob. "Mercy." I begged of him.

"I should grant you mercy. Without Aro, Chelsea has finally released me of my bond to this family. However, you have also given me a new cause. Your own punishment." He snapped his fingers and a pair of thugs lifted me by the arms. "Find her some comfortable quarters. She will be with us for a while." I heard a cell door slamming in my head.


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N In birthday I followed Nessie through her captivity because so much was happening to her, so much changing. Now, she is essentially a shell in a cell. So, let's look through Jacob's eyes for a while, shall we?_

Edward came from no where and slammed me through a sitka. _What the hell, man? _I thought at him. It had been a relatively quiet patrol. I felt the pack turning to come to me. _Skip it, guys. He isn't going to kill me; don't get involved._ I thought to them.

_Daddy issues,_ Eli snorted.

_Overprotective much?_ that was Tim. _With a hottie like that for a daughter what do you expect to happen?_

_Shut it, guys._ I was trying to avoid Edward's arms. He was really ripped. He wasn't going to stop short of some serious damage to my person. I could feel with each breath that he already had two ribs to his tally. I was dodging well, now that I could see him, but shit that leech was fast. I didn't attack. I knew I'd get good and hurt if I let him touch me. I tried to keep circling instead. He still wasn't aiming to kill me, so I was succeeding somewhat. What had Ness told him? I mean, we'd had some fun, but certainly nothing completely out of line. Nothing he hadn't done with Bella before the honeymoon.

Oops. I lost another rib as that thought infuriated him. Then I smelled Ness approaching. _Gonna hide behind your girlfriend?_ Amos taunted.

_If it saves me broken bones, you bet your ass I will,_ I informed him. Had he noticed the insanely fast, stupidly furious, father bearing down on me? That was when I screwed up. I got too close and his hand had my throat again. _Well, this feels familiar_, I thought at him.

"Edward, stop!" she shouted at him.

His eyes left mine and found hers; mine followed. She was frightened. I couldn't blame her. Especially when he unleashed that feral snarl on her. The pack whined a little at that sound. "Don't think I'm not angry at you, too," he informed her.

Angry at her? For what? Following her feelings? Enjoying her man? What was his problem? It wasn't like I'd taken advantage of her or anything. I'd stopped every time she'd asked. Ah shit, I shouldn't be thinking that. I felt my windpipe collapsing in his fist.

"So talk to me," she pleaded with him. "What are you angry about? That I kiss Jacob? Because that really isn't your business." _Yeah, Nessie, you tell him._

"That you trick yourself into liking it."

The whole pack howled at that moment. 

_Shit, no way! _

_He's not serious, right? _

_He's lying, just a jealous Dad. _

_That can't be true, we saw it!_

I blocked their voices and lunged from Edward's hand. He thankfully had released his hold to grab at Nessie who was running to me. I sprinted away. _It can't be true. _I thought as well. _There was no way I could be that wrong, could I? Her face, her voice. She... she..._ I phased back, the wolf unable to bear these fully human thoughts and feelings. I was happy to leave the distressing kibitzing from the pack behind, too. I put my face into the dirt and dug my hands into the soil. What kind of monster was I? How had she deceived me? I lay there for several minutes before I heard a voice above me.

"Get up, Jacob." Sam's voice still held authority even though he'd left the Alpha to me two years now, and I'd left his pack five years before that. I lifted my face to see him. His face was filled with compassion. "Get up. Emily wants to speak with you."

I rose slowly, untied my shorts and put them on. Then I followed him to his house. He tossed me a rag and I wiped my face and hands. I could only guess how terrible my face looked. Levi ran up to me anyway. The two year-old was absolutely gorgeous. If Nessie had any doubts that she had been the cause of his conception she needed only look at his smile. The sun rose and set on this kid's face. I knelt to pick him up. "Jake!" he said with glee. "Woof!" His favorite greeting for all of us. I chuckled in spite of myself.

"Woof, yourself," I answered, setting him back down. He ran to his Mama.

She looked at me, her face hard, all the harder for the scars marring one side. "When you didn't quiet the pack, Sam phased. He told me what you heard. I thought I'd share with you what Nessie told me before Levi was born. When you were still being a jackass." She smirked slightly as she said that. I just fell into a chair and looked at their table. I didn't know if I could take this. "How many times did she tell you, Jake? How many times did she try to make you see she didn't want those red kisses?" Her voice was harsh. "But you wouldn't believe her. Her body was capable of them, but her heart wasn't ready. Think of Quil and Claire. She is just finally ready to feel those things too. What would you do if you saw him tonguing her tomorrow."

My stomach clenched. That was disgusting. Oh my god. I am a monster.

"But you just wouldn't let it go. You were so sure that was what she wanted. So she convinced herself that she did, too. I think Edward was wrong. She wasn't tricking herself. She knew what she was doing. She did it intentionally, for you. She was distracting herself, not letting her brain get in the way. It was supposed to get in the way, you dolt!" She rose now and Levi slid from her lap. "She doesn't understand herself yet. Of course she doesn't understand those feelings. The reason you don't make her feel that way naturally is because she really DOES NOT want them. The imprint doesn't let you. You just have a girl who is crazy enough to work around herself for your benefit."

Every word made me slink further in the chair. I was going to fall on the floor if I moved another inch. I was sick. I was awful. No wonder Edward wanted me dead. I wanted me dead. Then I felt a hand on my cheek. It wasn't gentle but it didn't hurt. Emily was shaking her hand, and I figured she'd just slapped me. "Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go be the Jacob she needs you to be. Be yourself. Well, be yourself but less of an idiot." She finally smiled at me again and then giggled. "I know that's going to be a challenge for you, but I think you're up for it," she teased now.

I shook my head, still letting it hang.

"I'm serious, Jacob. You think you feel bad right now; think about her. She probably assumes things are going back to what they were. That you will stop touching her again. You have to go to her. Isn't she pulling you?" Emily was pulling me to my feet now.

I stood looking at her. She was absolutely right. I had to find her. Why wasn't she pulling me? Did she think I didn't want her? Nothing could be further from the truth. I hugged Emily quickly. "Thank you," I told her. "Woof, Levi. Woof, Sam." I tore out the door running for my house, her home.

The bachelor party was still on. I had planned to join them about now. "Hey. How's it going? You still conscious, old man?" I looked into my father's bleary eyes. Paul and Seth were of course fully aware. Our metabolism burned alcohol before it had a chance to do much of anything. Charlie looked like he was about to pass out in his chair, too. "You guys sure know how to live it up!" I teased. I was glad my humor had returned. Nessie didn't need me showing up droopy like some sad puppy. She needed a wolf who would guard her and pick her up and carry her. "You guys seen Ness at all tonight? Is she home from the fitting yet?" She had been up at the house with Alice and the rest of her family.

"She breezed through here earlier, grabbed a bag and took off in her car. Didn't say were she was going," Seth informed me.

"Her father was a much more interesting guest," Dad scoffed. "I thought he was going to kill one of us."

Charlie snorted. "He wasn't that bad. Just worried, especially when he found out she wasn't here."

"Did you look in his eyes?" Paul asked. "I was sure one of us was going to wind up burger."

"I gave Ness a heads up that he's looking for her though," my dad said with a smirk.

"Good idea," I told him. "I will try to keep out of his way for while too. I'm pretty sure I'm part of the reason he's so pissed."

I got hoots from the boys on the couch and Charlie threw an empty can at them to shut them up.

"Well I really need to talk to her, so I'll be back after I catch her up," I told them before walking back out the door.

I called Ruby and Ruth's phone. I got Ruth. "Hey Ruth. Are Ruby or Ness there?"

"Not Ness, but Ruby and Joe just got in. Let me get her." There was a small pause. If she wasn't there... I started jogging in the direction of the white house. It was the only other place I could think of that she might have gone.

"Hey Jake! Is Ness with you?" Ruby sounded worried.

"No. I was hoping she was with you. I'm headed to her family's place to see if she's there."

Joe's voice suddenly came through the receiver, "Tell him to watch it if he's going there. Her Dad is murderous!"

"Are you sure you want to do that, Jake? I can call Alice and see if she's there instead." She was worried about my safety. That was sweet. Edward must have scared the shit out of them. Well, he'd nearly scared the shit out of me, so I couldn't really blame them.

"Nah, I need to talk to her Mom anyway. Thanks though." I hung up, thinking about talking to Bella. That would be good; she'd have all sorts of ideas for how I could make this better. Assuming Edward had calmed down enough to tell her what was going on. I wasn't betting on that. I kicked it up a notch and started running.

When I got within Edward's earshot I gave him a heads up. _Edward. I want to talk to Bella. You probably don't want to see me right now. I don't blame you. I won't be surprised when I don't find you inside._ I continued up the steps. I put my knuckles to the door just as Bella opened it.

"Jacob. Is Nessie with you? Edward didn't hear her." Bella looked even more worried than I felt. Something more was up here. What?

"No, I thought she was with you. Y'know, needing a shoulder. Kinda like I do." Edward was sitting on the edge of the couch. "Of course, I can come back another time," I said, sizing up his state. He seemed less angry and more frantic now. I did not want to be within his lunging radius, which pretty much left me out in the yard. "Got time for a chat Bella?" I asked, tilting my head to invite her outside.

"Come in, Jacob," Edward requested.

I was more than a little surprised. I shuffled a couple steps and closed the door behind me. Alice was suddenly in the room. "The Volturi aren't coming," she said in an icy voice. "She's gone to them."

"WHAT?" I blew up. I had no idea what was going on. The Volturi were coming? I didn't think there were enough of them left to matter. And now they weren't coming because Ness was... I fell into a chair.

Edward put a hand on my shoulder. "Welcome to the club," he told me. "She took off after our... altercation, and we haven't been able to get a hold of her. She isn't answering her phone. No one knows where she is, but now we know where she's going. Alice thought this might be her plan, but I really didn't want to believe her." His voice was empty.

"They're going to kill her, aren't they?" my voice was as hollow as his. I could feel the link between us thinning already. She was farther from me than she had ever been before. Farther than even in the Amazon. Across an ocean. Well crossing an ocean. "She's in the air," I whispered and put my head in my hands.

Bella chuckled. "It's not funny, but you two have exactly the same expression," she commented. "So we follow her. We stop them. What's the problem? Jake, bring your pack, your closest. We'll call Denali, right Alice?"

She nodded. "Carlisle and Jasper as well as Carmen, Eleazar, Tanya, Kate and Garrett will meet us in Pisa in three days."

"See," Bella said as though she'd known this all along. "You just called them, right?" Bella verified.

Alice nodded. "I just got off with Jasper when I came down. Carlisle is calling Denali now. Jacob, you need to get your troop together quickly. I want to arrive ahead of the Denali clan and that means being in Seattle in less than five hours. I'm holding five tickets for your pack. Is that enough? I can book another."

I tried to kick my brain into gear. They needed me to work fast. Quil, Embry, Seth. Joseph would definitely want to come... "Shit. She's going to kill me."

Edward had followed my thought and winced. "Who?" Bella asked.

"I'm not taking Sam from Em and Levi. That means I need a second... and she is NOT going to be happy when I call her. Alice, can you 411 Leah Clearwater for me? At least she's in Seattle, she can meet us at the airport."

Leah hadn't gone wolf, that I'd been aware of, for six months. She was going to want my throat for this. Alice handed me a slip with the number and I thanked her. "Meet you back here in an hour?" I asked.

"Less if you can manage it," Alice pleaded.

"I'll do my best. I know where Seth and Joe are. I'll start with them."

Seth was in the Rabbit with me on our way to Quil's place. Joe and Embry were already at the Cullen house. "She is going to rip your throat out; you know that, right?"

"Shut up, Seth. I know, Okay?" I complained to him.

"Just making sure."

Once we were all assembled in the Cullens' garage, we loaded into their various vehicles. I rode with Bella and Quil.

"So, you still want to talk?" she asked me. We were flying behind Edward who had Embry, Joe and Esme with him. Alice was driving Rosalie's new monstrosity. I wish I hadn't been on the outs with Ness when she was building that. It looked like a Mustang, but that wasn't no kind of Ford engine I had ever seen. I was definitely getting under that hood when we got back. Edward flashed his brake lights at us and Bella slowed for the highway patrol.

"Yeah, I guess. Emily really did her best to get my head straight. I didn't realize I was pushing her so hard for what I wanted. I was sure it was what she wanted; she just wasn't willing to tell me out right." I felt like a beast again.

"She knew what she was doing, Jacob. She has to take responsibility for that." Bella patted my leg. Quil looked his question to me in the rear-view.

"Nessie decided that the best way to get back in my graces was to block her brain so she could let her hormones run. I am a sick, sick puppy." I hung my head.

"It wasn't that bad, Jacob," Bella assured me. "You made things better back in the summer. She was back in your graces. Edward never told me what set off the... escalation." she said, choosing her word carefully.

"Quil will know. Remember the Solstice?" I said with a chuckle.

"Damn straight. God, she had me burning that night. I could barely kiss Claire good night, I was afraid I'd do something stupid."

"Well guess who did something stupid." I looked at him in the mirror.

"What did you do?" he asked. "How bad?"

"She stopped me before it was that bad. Thank god. But I finally kissed her again. No little peck neither. I thought she just wasn't ready for more that night, so I backed it down." Now I was thinking about it. She had given me clues. That first week she was very awkward with me. I tried to be gentle. Then, that day in the kitchen. She turned it on. Edward flashed the lights again, but this time he stuck his hand out the window, middle finger raised. I laughed and changed my line of thought. She had started that day. I shook my head my mirth gone again. "I should have known. If I'd been a little more observant, I would have seen. The times she froze on me; I'd interrupted her distraction." I growled at myself. "How could I be so stupid!"

Bella's hand was on my knee again. "She fooled you, Jacob. She's very good at making people see what she wants them to see. She wanted you to see her the way you used to."

"You are remarkably laid back with the guy who molested your daughter."

She snorted. "Please, she was a completely willing party. Otherwise you wouldn't have done it."

Edward raised a fist out the window. I stuck my head out and shouted up to him, "Suck me!"

Bella and Quil both laughed at us. He couldn't hear the words, but definitely caught my sentiment.

Leah, surprising me, was waiting for us at the entrance to the airport. "I can't believe you have me flying with leeches to meet more leeches," she moaned.

"Yeah, but it's to take out a whole lot of bloodsuckers, so you're going to come, right?" I said with a smile, putting an arm around her shoulders.

She snorted. "Yeah, for that, and to make sure you don't get my little brother killed." She punched Seth, who winced.

"Thanks for coming," I told her, kissing her temple. "I need a level head out there. Mine's going to be a mess."

"If I have to spend another year trying to shed the wolf, Jacob Black, more than your mind is going to be a mess." She stepped out from under my arm. _Ah, Leah_. I sighed.


	20. Chapter 20

We both made our flight and arrived according to Alice's schedule. Impressive with all of us blocking her sight. I made a point of doing my damnedest to sleep. When I wasn't I chatted with Bella, who was amazingly sensitive to my feelings of inadequacy and utter stupidity.

"You saw other guys making her blush and you weren't doing that. I can understand why you would want to. I'm just glad Emily finally wised you up. I was going to do it if she didn't."

"I knew I could count on you, Bells." I hugged her. I barely noticed how bad she smelled. She was Bella.

The rest of the time I was conscious, I got Leah to fill me in on how things were in Seattle. She'd moved there a few years ago, working out her wolf. She was attending the University and had even found herself a boyfriend. No wonder she seemed so much happier in general. It also explained why she was extra pissed I'd pulled her from that. "This had better not take long. I have a paper to finish for next week," she warned me when I asked about classes again.

"A paper? What's it on?"

"Substance abuse. Cocaine specifically." She seemed surprised I was interested. It was true I had an ulterior motive; I was desperately trying not to think about Ness and whether or not she was even still alive. I shook my head to rid myself of that thought. Even if we'd just been shooting the breeze on the res, I would have been interested.

"Really? So, does studying addictions like that help you understand why we wolf and why it's so hard to stop?" I figured that was probably part of the reason for her line of study. She was studying psychology for social work, and I guessed part of that was to study anger management.

"A little. I'm still figuring it all out myself. When I have an answer for you, I'll let you know." She smiled. Damn, she had a nice smile.

"So who's the guy?" I smirked, getting snoopy now. "How long?"

"Not long. Just a classmate. His name is Doug. I don't know if it's going to work, but it's nice to know I can still snag a guy." And there it was again, her smile. Time really does heal all wounds, huh.

Carlisle and Jasper were already in Pisa and the Denali flight was due in another hour. Carlisle took Esme to rent us a couple of vans. We were a sizable group; six wolves and eleven vamps. We were totally going to scare some trouble up with this lot. I watched the Denali vampires disembark trying to remember who they were. The blond was the one that could knock you out with a touch; I wasn't likely to forget that. The guy with her was Garrett, silver tongue. Carmen I remembered, of course. She was so good with Nessie. She even went so far as to hug me. I did my best not to wrinkle my nose in return. For the life of me, I could not remember her mate's name. Then there was the redhead, the leader. Tanya, I thought. They all looked ready to deal some beats and take Nessie back. I liked that.

Leah was looking around at the city appreciatively. She was pissed to be at the beck and call of a bunch of bloodsuckers, which had made the hour long wait worse, but she seemed happy to get some sightseeing out of the deal. I couldn't care less. I was close enough now to feel Nessie's pull and I wanted to be there already. How fast could these crates move? Alice and Jasper were at the front of the 'wolf mobile' as she had so aptly named it. It didn't take more than thirty minutes to get to the city limits. Carlisle parked their van to one side of the road in a field. Jasper pulled in alongside.

"We can't just drive up," Carlisle explained. The day was cloud covered, as Alice had predicted, and we hiked up the road at a good clip. The view was pretty spectacular, I had to admit now. Vinyards, olive groves. And I was headed to Nessie. I could take time to appreciate it. I didn't get much time for it. Carlisle stopped again, and I thought I would scream.

"What now?" I growled.

"A scent. Amun." Edward was at his father's side; he answered me. "What are they doing in Italy?" he asked Carlisle, but apparently the doctor didn't have an answer. He turned off the road, following the scent. Now that we were on it, I wondered how I had missed it. It wasn't one bloodsucker. It was five or six.

Leah wrinkled her nose. "You are going to pay," she muttered as she covered her nose finally. We were all dressed in our rattiest in case we needed to phase on the fly. Alice had a pack with a change for each of us. Leah was wearing a faded dress; she looked nice. I wondered if she knew that. Of course the death glare she was shooting me really ruined the effect. I turned my eyes back to the trail and saw the group ahead.

"So don't come any closer. Take a look around, clear your nose. I got this." I motioned for her to take the pack where she liked. I continued with the rest of the vamps to meet the party up ahead.

_Draculas one and two, holy shit. What are they doing here?_ I thought and Edward shrugged at me. And the other group; I vaguely recognized them. They were Ethiopian, right?

"Egyptian," Edward corrected me in a whisper. Whatever. I remember the boy could do some sweet stuff. I was happy to see him. And let's face it, another six on our side was going to turn this into a real nice gore fest. Edward was smiling at my assessment. I knew he agreed.

"Amun." Carlisle extended a hand to greet the oldest of the Egyptians._ Right, he's the one that wouldn't go near Ness. What in the hell is he doing here?_ Edward smiled now. He, of course, had heard the answer in their heads and hadn't shared. Bastard. He smirked at me. I pictured Ness topless. That wiped that bloody smirk off his face. It also earned me a punch in the kidney. Ouch.

"Carlisle! Nessie was right; you did come." He took Doctor Fang's hand.

"You have heard from Nessie?" the doc asked. I became as excited as his voice. Was she all right? The Egyptian actually seemed glad to be here. That was messed up. He wanted to help Nessie? Really? Edward was being a jerk and not sharing what he knew.

"We did. She gave us good news," Dracula one answered.

"We could not resist her offer," Dracula two answered. Man those two were creepy. Why would Ness contact _them_? But they were handing Carlisle a piece of paper. Even from here, I could recognize her writing, although I couldn't make out the words.

"She called me to get their address. I wish she had told me then what she planned. We could have been here sooner." That was the kid. Benjamin?

Carlisle took the letter and chuckled. So did Edward, following along. I thought about Ness squirming under me. He growled at me. "So stop being an ass," I told him through clenched teeth. "What's the letter say?"

Bella and Tanya came closer to listen to the answer. "She told them she took out Aro, and that your pack did a good job on the army. She told them she was going to face their justice," he said that with derision, "and that she expected us to follow. They don't have many allies to bring with them, but they expected her allies might join the fight. They were right, of course."

_There, was that so hard?_ I thought at him and he snorted. I remembered baby Ness playing in the mud. I could play nice. He smiled sharing the memory. So she knew we were coming, why did she come alone, then? Why didn't she just wait and let us all do this together. The reason occurred to me just before Edward's glare. For me. She thought she'd off herself because of me. Damn, I was the worst possible person in the world, wasn't I? Edward shook his head at me. _Suck me,_ I thought at him again and he snorted.

"Well, I guess now the only question is how we initiate this," Carlisle was saying.

"Frontal assault," Emmett and I answered together. We grinned at each other and then high-fived.

"Wonderful, testosterone to the forefront," Rosalie complained.

"No, I think that will work." Alice was looking into the distance. Awesome, if Shorty backed the plan we'd be doing just that. "They are already gathering in the throne room. They know we're here. They're waiting for us. I can't say for certain, but I believe Nessie is with them. One of them is holding something I can't see." I started to growl thinking of some stinking leech touching any part of my Nessie.

"Perfect," I snarled. "I'll round up the pack; you show us the way."

We trailed behind the bloodsuckers. They all seemed to know where we were going. I couldn't understand how, the castle was a maze. Joe was getting antsy and I had to step him down a couple of times along the way.

"You sure you can handle the puppy?" I asked Leah. "You know, if I get over-involved in there?"

She snorted. "You never had a little brother." She was right. My older sisters tended to kick the crap out of me... wait, that was exactly what I wanted. I felt better. I knew I'd picked a good second.

We made it all the way to an empty reception desk, and the reek of vampire was only getting worse. We had to be getting close. She was at the end of this hall. I could tell. She was pulling me now.

I grabbed Seth and stood shoulder to shoulder with him. Leah ducked behind us to pull off her dress and phase. "Ready?" I asked the others. We all peeled down and left our rags in a pile behind the desk. We followed the blood suckers the rest of the way. Carlisle and Edward were at the head with Jasper, Emmett and Garrett right behind. The Denali ladies, Egyptians and Eleazar came next and the Cullen women and Dracs one and two were right in front of us. We were practically nipping their heels. I wanted this done. I wanted Ness back.


	21. Chapter 21

Carlisle and Edward opened the doors, and we poured in. I didn't keep track of our vamps, my attention going straight to Nessie and the piece of crap holding her by the arm. I lunged right for his throat, and he dropped her. Rather than give chase, I stood over her and tracked my pack. Seth and Quil had taken two at the front, Embry was helping Emmett with some strong SOB that couldn't be more than a few weeks old by the looks of him. Joseph was laying a licking on the one that had held Nessie for me. _Good pup._ Leah...

We howled as one. It was especially strong for Quil, Joe and I. We knew exactly what was happening. I didn't think any of us had ever been wolf when it happened before though. It was almost painful to feel her connection to everything stripped. Then she was gone. _Don't stop,_ I ordered the others, planning to cover her back if she needed it.

What the hell was she doing? She had phased back. She was walking, naked, up to a stinking vampire. He was eyeballing her big time._ Leah!_ Seth's thought came.

_She's fine, Seth. I have no idea what she's doing though._ She kept walking up to the vampire ignoring the turmoil around her. Most of it was quieting down anyway. Now I looked around the room. Jasper was next to me pinning the other crusty looking one to his chair. Bella was behind me; she had someone's head in her hands. _Way to go, Bells!_ Kate had one incapacitated under her foot while another was in her jaws. Benjamin had pulled up some sort of wind and was keeping the skittish girl that had shadowed Aro at bay. That was one particularly slippery leech; I wished him luck. Esme and one of the Egyptian women, the older one, had two crusty women pinned at the back of the platform we were on. Alice and Edward each had a leech in a headlock. Rosalie had her knee on some bitch's back and her teeth at her throat _Go Blondie, _I thought, especially given how much trouble her husband was having with his. Garrett was fending off two at once, impressive.

Leah didn't seem to acknowledge anything in the room. She was still walking up to the crusty leech. The look in her eyes was adoring. Stranger still, he was looking back at her the same way. Well, she was butt naked, but he didn't even seem to be noticing that part, which was very impressive. Damn, Leah had a good body.

_Gross Jake!_ Seth shouted at me.

_Yeah, sorry, man._

"Hold, everyone," Carlisle ordered our group. He was the only one without a partner in this dance. _Do what he says_, I told the pack. Joe was the last to obey. _I said stop, puppy._

_I'm two years old! Haven't I stopped being the puppy yet?_ Joseph complained.

_Nope,_ all three of us answered together.

The Dracula twins decided not to listen to Carlisle either and made a lunge for the one Jasper had pinned. Edward and Alice dropped their victims and were on the Romanians before they got two steps. 

_Damn those two are fast,_ I heard Embry muse. He was remembering trying to throw fast enough to tag them out on the diamond. I couldn't argue; they had wicked speed.

I turned my attention back to Leah. She reached out to the leech; she hadn't seriously imprinted on him had she? 

_Is that even possible?_ Joseph asked.

_Can girls be werewolves?_ _Can we imprint on half-vampires? _I replied.

The crusty leech was speaking now. It was deadly quiet in the room so we could all hear him. "I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think I could..." He put out a hand to touch Leah's cheek, and she tipped her head into it. We coughed as one, all wishing we could empty our stomachs. That was so disgusting. And Leah? Was there are a more rampant leech hater? I didn't think so.

"I thought I was... wrong. That I couldn't." She was whispering now, and we shared with Joseph Leah's fears that she hadn't imprinted because there was something wrong with her plumbing. Apparently that wasn't the problem at all. I felt my stomach turn again, and Seth actually heaved.

The leech was pulling off his robe now and draped it over her. Then he hugged her. I looked away. I couldn't watch that. Next they'd be kissing. _Damn it, Embry, look away! _I begged him as I saw through his eyes that this was exactly what they were doing. Seth whined.

I phased back to get away from them and the images. "Nessie?" I asked. "Are you OK? Did they hurt you?" I put my hand to her shoulder. It was like the blood had just returned to a numb limb. I was pins and needles all down my arm as I made contact with her again. I dropped atop her and wrapped my arms around her, lifting her to me. "I was so afraid. Please, don't leave me. Never. Never again," I pleaded into her hair. She was facing away from me, looking in Leah's direction.

"Marcus?" Nessie whispered. Was that the leech's name? I really didn't care. "Leah?" I ignored her, putting my lips to her neck and drinking in her scent while I kissed her. I would never let her go.

She turned to look at me over her shoulder now. She had a small smile. "Does this mean you don't hate me?" She sounded fearful.

"I could never hate you, Ness. Myself, sure, but never you." I kissed her lips then and hoped it was as white as ever. She parted her lips and I broke the kiss shaking my head. "I don't believe you," I groaned. She giggled. Then she turned to watch the scene unfolding around us. We slowly rose to our feet. I kept my arms locked around her shoulders.

Marcus, if that was his name, was approaching Carlisle with Leah in the curve of his arm. "Is it difficult?" he asked. "Your way, after so long? Will it be too difficult for me?" he was asking.

Whoa. That was some serious crap Leah must have laid on him to have him 360 like that.

"Nessie told me, they don't attack you because you don't threaten their people. I must do the same now." He said it as though this were obvious. He gazed into Leah's eyes like he was seeing the sun for the first time. Usually that went the other way.

"No!" It came from one of the females in the back. Esme held her arms behind her back. "Marcus! You promised! She would hurt as much as we did." The pain contorting her face made Nessie wince. She had sympathy for this leech, one who had held her captive. My girl was amazing.

"Come with us, Suplicia. If one of us can be touched by one of them, perhaps another can as well." I heard coughs from the pack; they were definitely disgusted by that thought.

Carlisle spoke then. "And even if they can't, even if you don't find another among them, you will find our family bonds are much tighter. We can ease your pain, Suplicia. Please. Come with us." He held out a hand to her, and Esme dropped the wench's arms. She sagged but didn't approach Carlisle.

"You would devastate us twice, Carlisle?" It came from the one Jasper had pinned.

"You have held Marcus and others for longer than you had any right to. I am sorry for any pain losing Aro may have caused, but it is right that he was removed. His poison had saturated this place. Perhaps without him you can become what you once were. Patrons to our kind, not lords over them. I offered my way to you before. Any who would like to try now are welcome to join us. My family and I will leave you. I do not recommend coming for us again. I think you will leave even more fractured." He turned his back and stepped away.

One by one the leeches let each other up. Bella even put the head back on the shoulders of the one she'd attacked and helped him to his feet. I recognized him now, he was the one that had blinded us all. She was smiling at him. What the hell? The last to let go were Alice and Edward. As soon as they did the Dracula twins made a rush for the ancient Jasper had released. Two of the guard quickly dispatched them and Caius lit them up. I was kind of sorry they'd never get their retribution. The thought didn't get far though.

Leah and Marcus were at the front with Carlisle and Esme. She looked... ecstatic. I couldn't fathom it. Then she was kissing the leech again, and I had to look away. A few of the cloaked figures did follow us. The wench Esme had held. The one Rosalie had had pinned. The squirrelly one Benjamin had kept distracted. The others just let us pass. They knew better than to mess with us anymore. The crusty one in his chair was still shooting hatred at us. _Tough shit,_ I thought at him. _You aren't the big shot on the block anymore, and you aren't going to be ever again._

I didn't look back. I put my arm around Ness and walked her out of that hell, and back into my heaven, my life. I was never letting her go again.


	22. Epilogue

**Nessie POV**

We made it back in time for the wedding. Just. I was flying into my dress and Alice declared that my make up would have to be omitted, instead running a brush quickly through my hair before shoving me out to the aisle. I tried to slow down instead of barreling down it. We'd been running for so long now. I hadn't even had time to tell Ruby any of it. I just hugged her and told her it was all Okay. I promised to tell her everything later. Then I was walking ahead of her toward Jacob, Charlie and Billy. They looked amazing in their tuxedos. Charlie like the white filling in a chocolate cookie. Yummy enough for even me to eat. Our side wasn't sandwiched the same. I was the icing on our chocolate layer instead.

Ruth was simply gorgeous in aged lace and satin. Alice had really found a dress to suit her. The ivory color brought out all the rust in her skin. Ruth was skilled enough to have her makeup ready when we were delayed, although we'd called to make sure they didn't start without us! She had kept it subtle and earthy, which was exactly what the occasion called for. I hollered with the rest of the guests when Billy kissed her and pulled her into his lap.

I grabbed Ruby's hand later and played her everything from the point I had run out of my family's house. I wanted to make sure she didn't feel left out at all. I had wanted so badly to let her know what I was doing, but there was no way to do that. She was pissed that I was walking into my death when she found out. Regardless of what had happened between Jacob and I. "Even if he's your imprint, he's still just a man, Nessie. Would you have condoned my mother doing such a thing?"

"No," I admitted reluctantly. "But it was for more than just him. It was to protect all of you. I had to keep them from coming here. I couldn't risk any of you again."

She shook her head. "You are a lunatic."

I showed her how well everything had turned out. Marcus and Leah running off from Seattle to Northern Canada together, planning to not be seen by any human for a long long time. I hoped they would be happy. Suplicia was at the Cullen house with Emmett and Rose. I hoped she would find some peace. I certainly didn't wish her any ill. It wasn't her fault she fell in love with a monster. I only hoped her next choice would be much better. Chelsea had gone with Carlisle and Esme to New Hampshire; Renata to Denali. They were going to give this new diet their best shot.

Jacob and I danced all night. There was no one left to pull us off the floor in the end. Even Joseph, who had dragged Ruby around for an hour or more, had given up. During the slow ones, I whispered all the things I wanted to tell him - all the apologies I wanted to make. How sorry I was for deceiving him, how I was really deceiving myself. How I had enjoyed it, even if I'd had to work for it. How happy me made me simply by touching me. He muttered his own - wishing he'd realized sooner, wishing he hadn't pushed me so hard, telling me how happy he was to be exactly what I wanted.

During the fast ones, I made his blood boil, and my Dad's pressure rise, grinding against him on the floor, shaking my hips for all I was worth. Ruby cheered me on from the sidelines. Alice joined me at one point with Jasper and showed me some new moves that made Edward groan louder. Even Grandpa was looking like a beet at the end of that.

My family had all parted. The newlyweds were off to their honeymoon and Jacob held me in the center of the clearing moving to the music that I played in our heads. Even the band had gone home. "I love you, Nessie. The only day more perfect than this, will be the one when I marry you."

"I know," I agreed, playing my image of it for him through our hands. He put his arms around me again and his lips found mine. I was blinded by white.


	23. Reviews for For Him

Since I'm deleting For Him, but want to acknowledge the reviews it received. I'm putting them here.

* * *

Bianca  
2010-04-15 . chapter 1

ok to be honest... i didn't even finish this story, i mean who is Joe, and Ruby or whatever?? and why is Jacob angry again? it just isn't that clear, and I am not going to read a story that i have no idea what they are talking about! I am not trying to be mean or anything, it is constructive critizizum. (i have NO idea how to spell that!!hahaha) just next time try and make your stories a little more...clear  
=)

Anne Shirley Cullen  
2010-02-21 . chapter 10

I like this alot.

findingmymuse  
2010-01-31 . chapter 10

I love your stories! They are definitely one of a kind :) please, please, please write more or another sequel or something! 'cause this story is definitely not over yet (or at least I hope not)

KatieJoanna  
2010-01-28 . chapter 5

Am realy enjoying this story but have got to bookmark here otherwise i'm gonna read it all in one night and fall asleep at work tomorow. Be back soon.

Quileute4Ever  
2010-01-28 . chapter 10

Was that the last chapter? Hope you write mor cuz I really love this story (and On My Own). Please write more and soon :)

X-NessieCullen-X  
2010-01-24 . chapter 10

No! This can't be the end! I want more, please! Hey an idea if you didn't think of it... Tell us what happened with the ancients who tried the diet of animal blood. :D

twilightlover2013  
2010-01-24 . chapter 10

loved it


	24. Big News! I'm Published!

Let me start by saying I'm only go to do this once. I promise.

Next, if you noticed a lot of chapter alerts with the same title, that's because they're all the same, skip/delete the others.

Finally, I wanted to give this big news to as many people as I could, which is the only reason I'm doing this (see first point)

Okay! The good news! I'm published!

That's right! If you've enjoyed my stories, which I bet you have as you've put me on alert, now is your chance to read a completely original story written by yours truly.

Cargon: Honour & Privilege is my first novel, but I already have two more complete manuscripts, so a second isn't far off. It is set on a future earth after a cataclysmic even has destroyed nearly all of our technology. It is the time of the second renaissance. The story revolves around Eve, a servant in a caste-style society who has the nerve and the guile to step out of her set role and take on a new and much loftier one.

Here's the back blurb:

* * *

Lives are won, lost and traded on the three-tiered Cargon boards.

Eve, a serving-girl, has watched the elite from the outside, seen the dramatic shifts based on the results of the Game. With a growing need to reach beyond her station, she can no longer accept her position on the edges.

Wagering her own life, she wins and emerges in a strange new world. New rules and old acquaintances tangle to make Eve's life less comfortable than her position would suggest.

One pawn moved, but an entire world shaken – Eve will change the world.

* * *

Copies are available at Amazon (kindle and paper versions) and signed copies, as well as information about up-coming book, blog posts from me, tour dates as I book them, are all be available on my website: Kimmydonn. com

I'm so excited about this, my first release. I've had a bit of a stumble out of the gate and that's gotten me down, but I'm hoping some of you will perk me back up, possibly with sales, but even with just reviews/PMs of congrats. I'll appreciate all of them.

I thought I'd finish by including an excerpt from the book. After demonstrating her wit to the High One, Eve was moved into classes with elite. She is still a servant, still apart from them, but in their realm. (Excuse the formatting, I pulled this from my final PDF copy ;)

* * *

Awaking early from the nightmare, she entered the classroom  
an hour before the elite students. Even so, the Ernst was there  
ahead of her. "If a rock is placed in the sea, does the rock become  
wet or does the sea become rocky?"

Eve smiled, but didn't raise her eyes. This was exactly the sort  
of question he would ask his class. "Both. The rock joins those on  
the bottom, making the sea rocky. As well, the rock, having space  
within, takes in water, becoming wet."

The Ernst smiled at her. "And, if the rock were not porous?"

"Then only the sea would become rocky, as the rock would  
retain no water upon removal. Nor, if the rock were the only one in  
the sea could the sea be said to be rocky either. Was this the only  
rock in the sea?" Only after she asked did she realize she was  
looking up at the Ernst.

His milky blue eyes shone. "You are a fine student. Take your  
place," he sighed. Eve heard the students approaching. Today, the  
Ernst quizzed his students on the nature of time and its flow. Was  
it even, like water poured from a pitcher, or variable like the wind?  
Eve imagined it was choppy like water in a stream. It generally  
flowed in one direction, but it was possible to be thrown back, with  
memory and dream, to an earlier time, only to be rushed forward  
again. She made plans to write this after class was complete.

Prince Louis came to her as he had so many times before. He  
was significantly older than his classmates, making Eve wonder  
why he was still here. His hand came to rest over her breasts,  
where she had pinned the bloom today.

"That bloom will never fade. I think his attention is not so  
constant. But mine is, as you can see." Eve set her teeth at that. She  
taunted him, but did not seek his affections. Prince Louis put his  
nose to her hair now, inhaling deeply. He sighed. "Would you taste  
as wonderful as you smell, I wonder?" His hand traced down her  
side, just off her skin. It brushed the fabric of her skirt, and she  
stepped to the side. It was not strictly permitted, but neither was  
his touch.

He sidestepped with her, grinning now. "Skittish. I like that.  
Where will you jump to next?" He moved to place his hand on her  
chest again, and she leaned away to her left, twisting from him.  
Her skirts brushed his legs. That wasn't permitted either. She  
backed away again.

He continued to pursue her as she backed herself into the  
corner. He put his hands to either side of her head, trapping her  
effectively. Finally, unable to find another response, she turned her  
eyes level to his. In them she held all of her hatred, her anger, his  
loss of honour. Would he continue to ignore the impropriety he  
was inflicting? Would he simply accept the slight she had  
delivered by staring him down?

He seemed to, showing no offence and instead dipping his  
nose to her bloom. He was nearly touching her breasts. She tried  
not to breathe while he inhaled deeply. "Smells wonderful, but I  
think that's not the bloom. I do wish our stations were not so  
distant." He pulled his arms away and turned from her.

It had been over a year since the first time he had approached  
her, but for the second time she fell to the floor in relief. She had  
nearly spat on him! He would have had her beaten severely for  
that. She sniffled, and only then realized tears streamed her face.  
She pulled a kerchief and wiped them away before rising. She took  
one more deep breath and strode to her lunch with what time  
remained.

* * *

If you'd like to read a larger sample, there are a few chapters available on Google Books. Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
